Fashion of the World

Denizens of Trendy Williamsburg, NY Areas Adopt New Tractor Fad

“Tractors are cool” -Grand St. Resident Steve Silachs

Despite the fact that she is pictured
naked, Katie Valencia is a world renowned
expert on clothing styles and clothing-
related-item styles. She is director of the
International Garment Consortium and also
collects rare or misshapen weasel skulls.

The neighborhood of Williamsburg, in Brooklyn, NY, has seen many interesting new fashion trends in the past few years since the light-industrial zoned area became a haven for artists, trendniks and other malcontents.

The trendniks’ fashion sense is inherently tied to nostalgia, especially ironic nostalgia. Thus, the trendniks can often been seen sporting circa 1950s Soviet paraphernalia, circa 1960s unkempt haircuts, circa 1970s tight jeans, and circa 1980s Pumas.

Essentially, the idea of trendnik fashion is simple; the older and more lame the garment, the greater ironic appeal it possesses. Thus, when this idea is carried to its natural conclusion, the average trendnik begins dressing for the 2000s by wearing the clothing and accessories of a rural farmer in 1980s Kentucky; including but not limited to trucker hats, Pabst Blue Ribbon, and Johnny Cash records.

The latest trend to hit the L train follows this progression. Recently, many twenty-somethings in Bedford and Alphabet City have been seen raising chickens, hunting for deer, and most importantly, driving tractors from their studio apartments to their various destinations; art galleries, faux dive bars, Thai eateries, and organic natural food stores.

Tractor popularity amongst urban post-youths is, according to the trade journal Annual Tractor Sales Quarterly, at an all time high. Though tractor dealers are pleased with current popularity of urban farm equipment and accessories, most dealers are realistic about the trend.

“While my sales are up 200% for this quarter” stated Greenpoint tractor dealer ‘Honest Hank’ Gronjez “I figure this fad will go away just like pet rocks or parachute pants.”

Fashion insiders are skeptical that the trendniks will continue the tractor trend, especially since Agro-Farm, a division of Daniel Bester Inc. had recently signed a deal with VonDutch and Steve Madden Shoes to sell the “Infinity Mark VIII Tractor” in H&M retail outlets throughout the five boroughs, no doubt increasing the popularity of tractors to the point where trendniks will no longer favor them. The fact that Agr0-Farm has recently hired Ashton Kutcher as its official spokesman for the “Infinity Mark VIII” seems to back up the idea that the tractor trend has a limited lifespan.

Either way, next time you walk down Lorimer Street, make sure you don’t get run over by the tractor, the newest ironic Williamsburg trend.

Volume 456-BR7: Issue 5

cover9

Axes & Alleys:
The World’s Greatest Tractor Related
Magazine. Now Featuring Tractors!

A Special Tractor Related Issue!

Axes & Alleys has received numerous letters over the years, which we often publish. Recently, a disturbing spate of letters decrying Axes & Alleys’ move away from tractor-related phenomena. This flow of negative energy has increased proportionally with the number of such issues published.

As Axes & Alleys’ new Editor-In-Chief and former cover girl, I vow to address these issues. While we will continue to publish content of various natures for the foreseeable future, we have decided to bring you, our readers, a special treat.

This month’s issue will be solely related to tractors, tractor history, tractor maintenance and tractor repair. Each subsequent issue will not follow this format, however we offer you this special, collector’s edition, full black and white spread.

Axes & Alleys’ readership and advertising sales have grown 2138% and twenty-fold respectively in the past year. Many of our readers are no longer interested in tractor repair and maintenance, as evidenced by the past seven letters sections. Furthermore, a growing number of our employees are drawn from non-tractorial fields. Axes & Alleys’ is only a magazine without its employees.

This issue is also new in that it is sponsored by AgroFarm™, a Daniel Bester, Inc. Company™. We felt a special issue required a special offer, so we brought AgroFarm™ into the fold with this one.

In addition to the normal journalistic content, you will find a special, subscribers-only extra. In addition to two unique covers, each magazine will also include a sample of AgroFarm™’s space-engineered microfertilizer or instructions on how to build your own nuclear powered farm or a genetically modified tuber from AgroFarm™’s parent company, NuLife, which can withstand the effects of aging.

xxx ooo

Delores R. Grunion

An Editorialization

From the Desk of Alan Guthman

Alan Guthman is known the world over for his
constant and unwavering activism. He is President
of the Global Conservation Group and also serves
on the Daniel Bester Inc. Board of Directors as
Special Advisor on Environmental Affairs. As the
founder of ASSHAT (Americans and Saskatchewanese
Stopping Hate and Tactlessness) he speaks at
colleges and universities all over the lecture circuit
to raise money for his various hippy ass liberal causes.

As far as I’m concerned, puffins are the coolest animal out there. Wombats come in second and marmosets are third. Lions are number four and ocelots round it out at number five. Animals are super cool. See ya later.

The Society Page


A Description of the Happenings
All About the City of Bestoria

Attack Velocity 2: The Last Attack actress Jacinda
Sporkan returns from her wedding yesterday to Bestoria
Peregrine football quarterback Herb “The Wall” Halloran.
The couple will be taking their honeymoon in York, U.K.

Look who showed up at the Grand Opening of the new
Cannery on the Katharinetowne Industrial Parkway.
That’s right, it’s reclusive author Jamison B. Flindershdtadt,
who sources tell us is getting ready to write the
sequel to his bestseller A Hedgerow for Darius.

Local Bestboy Grip Dave Flan smiles for the
camera while partying at Triscoe’s Bodega.

April 23, 2004
Local Poet Search Turns Ugly.

H.G. Peterson, formerly of Esperia, says the process to choose the Bestoria Poet Laureate has been stymied by literati infighting. Peterson is best known for his amazing “Guide to Monkeys” published within this magazine.

And Peterson just might bail out the municipality’s search committee, which extended its deadline from January to April, when it failed to find any poets within the original two weeks specified who were willing and able to write verse about the General Worthington Expressway.

Though he prefers scarf and fedora to the more traditional laurels, Peterson contends, in various pentameters, that no one is suited more than he to Bestoria’s distinct rhyme and odometer.

“My poetry is synonymous with Bestoria and its people,” he told Axes & Alleys’ Romulus Augustulus. “Naturally, I’m be honored to assume the responsibilities of poetifying Bestoria.”

He’s written only one sonnet and few limericks, and is only published in obscure journals of various reputes, but Peterson is a true star. Earlier this century he helped bring poetry to impoverished Montsylvania. Few poets can point to a run of celebrity wives like he can.

Like other poets, Peterson often references the work of masters who came before him – and not just Thomas O’Reilley of Dublin. Keats wrote “Ode to a Grecian Urn.” Peterson wrote “Ode to the Fishing Trawler Which Brought My Fish.”

“I always wanted to be a monger of some sort,” he said. “It’s just now we call it a poet.”

Will the crusty committee consider Peterson’s work on par with that of Shinny Whitfield or Esther Yeardly?

“We’re not going to throw out his application,” said Arnold “Comfy” Silver, the 104-year-old Montsylvania College of Agricultural Technology Design Arts librarian managing the search.

To be eligible for the three-year honorary position, the poet’s work must contain at least 32 references to things Bestorian or be 26% Bestorian in nature, whichever comes last, and have lived in the general area for five years, and have at least one friend originating from Bestoria. They must also take a 500 question quiz on the historiography of the region and its people and show a fondness of carrots. Upon acceptance of the position they will be crowned with the official Poetic Nipple Rings; a much esteemed piercing.

Peterson says Bestoria was the inspiration for much of his poetry. His favorite, “Cleaning Coffins: The Saga of Brenford II with Persimmons,” refers to Bestoria specifically.

Though he recently left this the city for less poetic pastures in Aardvington, that does not disqualify Peterson from assuming the post, Silver said.

The committee, comprised mainly of area swineherds (who were originally the bastion of Bestoria’s poetic virtue), will review the applications in the coming days.

When Good Things Happen to Bad People

An Amalgam of Factisms-Of-Interest From Across this Storied Land

By International Correspondent Jamie Tadpole.

Accadia State Medical Test Labs – Incidences of smoking are less pronounced in teenage lesbian poseurs than in any other sub-culture in present day Accadia, contributing to further such mismoral behaviour, unnamed experts say in a new study.

Almost 2% of teenage lesbian poseurs aged 11-20 said they smoked irregularly or not at all compared with over 40% percent for rightly chaste heterosexual girls in the ongoing study of unspecified adolescents.

Norkirk, Platha – Platha’s most annoying man is at large again. Thomas “The Condo Pooper” MacGillicutty, 46, has been awarded $15,000 CND for his unprecedented vandalism streak. Having broken into over 600 condos and excreting solid waste in main areas therein, MacGillicutty, 46, is on the lam and the Norkikrk DA has decided to drop all charges, instead awarding MacGillicutty, 46, for his efforts.

Augusta, Maine – Wendy Swenson, late of Portland, returned home from her turn in the Castlerock State Correctional facility after serving 14 years for Murder II. Upon returning home, Ms. Swenson discovered that her expenses had been paid up for the next six months by the family of her victim, Charles “Gloria” Gyatso. Citing principles of Buddhist thought, the Gyatso family then doused each other with gasoline and self-immolated as a sign of forgiveness.

Hout Bay, Elizabethia – Getting to the “bottom” of restaurant dress codes has been taken to new lengths by a Hout Bay restaurant floor manager who, in his off time from harassing working waiters, took it upon himself to inspect patrons for dress code violations.

Newlands resident Marcy Train said the manager, Bob Toynbee approached her complaining of her visible g-string undergarments. Glad for the attention, Ms. Train promptly invited Mr. Toynbee home for 45 minutes of intense sexual romping, including oral sex. Mr. Toynbee, in a rare show of civility, stated that Ms. Train had “the best ass ever.”