Monthly Archives: December 2003

Classifieds Jeremy Rosen

Advertisements (Classified): December 2003


WANTED
Advanced formula for the creation of sub-dermal dendrite clusters in modern homo sapiens. Must result in watermelon vines growing from ears. Price negotiable. Must not exceed one week’s milk money. Call Joshy: 544-8903

FOR SALE
Arthritic orangutan with septum punch, lobe and cartilage piercings and a prince albert-style penis ring. No papers or registration. Loves to party. South Bole Animal Clinic: 55 Sandhurst Roundabout

PROPERTY!!!
Beautiful half acre lot of sand and brush. Ant colony, broken bottle and rusting chain-link fence are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to amenities on this parcel! $3000 C.D. or best offer. Zone Rite™ Properties and Solicitations, A Daniel Bester, Inc. Company. 800-956-1562

FOR SALE
One body, formerly containing the essence of personality (soul if you will) of Vladimir Lenin. Good condition, but missing left middle toe. Contact The Kremlin, 1 Kremlin Plaza, Moscow.

WANTED
Photographs of original cast of “Charles in Charge” for use with Voodoo. Will pay top euro for Willy Aimes pics. Audrey 2-990-887-0043

FOR RENT
My emasculated boyfriend. Tall, lanky, dark and pale, Bobby is your man. Will already be broken and ready to be brow beaten into doing your bidding. Available for three weeks starting in July. No gays or professional slavers, please. Mary, last house on the left.

FOR SALE
For Sale sign. Mint condition. Call Todd.

LOST PET
Gary, our 7 year old cocker spaniel has gone missing. For over fifteen years we have searched every corner of the state, but to no avail. If you have any information leading to his safe return, please call the Spencers.

STOP
You know exactly what I’m talking about. You heard me yelling at you the other day, but you wouldn’t listen. I’ve asked repeatedly every day this week, but I just can’t seem to get through to you. I must tell you, sir, that should you continue on in such a fashion I shall have no other recourse than to challenge you to a match of fisticuffs. I can no longer stand such slanderous exclamations on the quality of my cole slaw dressing.

FOR SALE
One doily. Lacy, white and lovely. Yours for 59 cents. Louie: 919-8888

FOR RETURN
One red onion and one green bell pepper. Left at my house Christmas Eve. Slightly moldy. Call 731-0773.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Fully certified grout inspector, must have level 77AB on Montsylvania State Grout Inspector Sub-Level Examination, with a mean Section III Score over 250, needed to play checkers with former Soviet bureaucrats for new Reality TV series. Contact Channel 01, 709-332-4462, ext. 67321. Ask for Tilby.

FREE GIVEAWAY!
I need someone to take some stuff off my hands. Free for the taking; one blood stained tweed jacket, two used rubber globes and one slightly used machete. No questions asked. Call Bob, 777-272-7482.

WANTED
Populace seeks horrible atomic monster, either genetically grown or jumbled together from dead parts, to rampage through small Balkan village, killing, maiming, etc. Apply now, we have a strong desire to show the folly of mankind’s attempts to dominate nature. Zuribon, Albania, Box 3.

FOR SALE
Head from statue of former dictator Saddam Hussein. Some shoe damage, but otherwise in good condition. Azmaht bin Yahnni, Baghdad, Iraq. Please send courier, all phones destroyed in Coalition attack.

FOR SALE
56 pounds of fresh love. The Beatles were wrong, you can buy them love. Show Paul McCartney what an idiot he is, only $45. Uncle Bill, Box 78.

POSITIONS AVAILABLE
Human Guinea Pigs Needed! We are doing an experiment to see how the brain’s endorphin levels fluctuate during times of extreme physical pain. $250 a day! Good pay if you don’t mind having your arms and legs sawn off without anesthetic. MCTDA Department of Psychology: 68 Ermine Rd., Bestoria, MV 991832

FOR SALE
696 sq. yds. of orange and white striped astro-turf. Free “I ? Puffins” coffee mug included. Contact Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street. London SW1, England.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Lower Grunding seeks experienced Bounty Hunter to track down Bacon Festival organizer Steve Fronthal. He has escaped, but must be brought to trial for his horrible crimes. The victims of the Bacon Festival must be avenged. Send resume and photo: 563-739-9888 (fax).

Ask Montezuma Jeremy Rosen

Ask Montezuma: December 2003

Montezuma

Montezuma: Circuit Martyr
Would you like to Ask Montezuma? Just click here.

Montezuma was born in 1466 and became emperor in 1502. He governed with great cruelty. His dominions having been attacked and conquered by Cortez, he was killed in 1520 by his subjects while attempting to persuade them to submit to the Spaniards. Montezuma now writes a nationally-syndicated advice column and currently resides in Pangeria with his wife Trudy and their two children Christopher and Kayla. He enjoys boating and human sacrifice.

Dear Montezuma,

Recently, while gardening, I came to the conclusion that I have been dead for some time now. While I do find this state relaxing, I have been wondering whether cremation or burial would be more appropriate. Although burial seems more conservative, as a former NBA all-star I find that the Viking funeral bier holds many exciting possibilities. My question for you is this: How many golf balls would fit in the Grand Canyon? Please give an exact figure.

Wilt Chamberlain (deceased)

Dearest Wilty,

The divot in a golf ball has been created, through much trial and error in middle latitudes, to cause a disturbance in the air flow around the golf ball and thus ease its flight through the air for further drives down the fairway. Divots play an important role in the fundamental stacking problems of modern mathematics and should be factored into any traditional Grand Canyon Stacking Equation. Divots offer numerous surface area expansion possibilities and so a golf ball has much more surface area than a comparable whiffle ball. Taking into account a surface area of 2, with space between balls stacked in a traditional grocer’s orange stack being 17, plus the constant perturbation of the base of the stack of golf balls by the Colorado River, one can only assume that the precise figure would be 5.28 with a remainder of 1. Of course, Stopecki’s Overflight Theorem theorizes an golf-ballogical constant of 12, throwing the true number into the realm of the imaginary. We can thus conclude that the true number can only be calculated through gravitational lensing.

Dear Montezuma,

I have a guy friend whom I really like. I’ve known him about four years. We’ve started holding hands and he even kissed me one time, but he wonÕt tell me if he likes me or not. He knows I like him. I get really frustrated because he keeps sending mixed signals. All the other guys at the oil refinery where I work think that this is really weird. What should I do?

James “Big Jim” Doheen Aniston, Alabama

Dear Big Jim, if that is your real name,

The solution to this problem is very easy. Take a paper clip, a magnet, two meters of thread and a small saucer of water. Rub the magnet against the paper clip several times to impart a distinct polarity to its luscious coils. Gently place the voluptuous paper clip on the surface of the water you’ve placed in the saucer. The hydrogen bonds in water create a wonderful meniscus upon which our hallowed fastener can sustain itself. Watching the movements of this time-honoured treasure will lead to deeper understanding of the situation.

Dear Montezuma,

While on a recent vacation, I visited the ruins of Tihuanaco, in your homeland of Old Mexico. I was amazed by the ruins which are found there. Many of them consist of enormous stone blocks. Naturally rational thought leads me to the undisputable conclusion that these must have been built by aliens some millions of years ago. Was Mexico visited by aliens way back in the day?

Mrs. A. B. Doberman Papua New Guinea

Dear Mrs. Doberman,

Did Kublai Kahn in Xanadu a stately pleasure-dome decree? What is that toe nail thing in the hamburger? Is existence a delusion created by complex actions in the mind? Does skullfucking really take place and, if so, how pleasurable is it, really? These questions and more are all answered in my new Time-Life book, Montezuma Answers These Questions and More, More, More. This 327 page volume, available for only $19.99 covers over 400 years of stately advice from Yours Truly.

Gothchick Brand Mayonnaise

Jeremy Rosen Stuff & Things

A Commemoration: Much High Honour to John Hollis

john hollis

Not much is known about John Hollis. He was born in 1931 in the United Kingdom and in 1980, at the age of forty-nine, he appeared as Lobot the cyborg aide of Lando Calrissian, administrator of the Bespin tibanna gas mine, in the Irvin Kershner film Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. He also appeared in the James Bond film For Your Eyes Only, where he portrayed Ernst Stavro Blofeld, another important bald character. Also appearing in the film For Your Eyes Only was British actor Jeremy Bulloch, who portrayed the character of Smithers. Bulloch is, however, most noted for playing the intergalactic bounty hunter Boba Fett, son of Jengo Fett, in the film Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. Thus, does the world come full circle.

Ads Jeremy Rosen

Montsylvania College of Agricultural Technology Design Arts

MCATDA
Graduates
Grunion
learning

The Montsylvania College of Agricultural Technology Design Arts is a place where young minds can grow into slightly older minds in an enriching atmosphere of pure enriching enrichment.

At MCATDA we pride ourselves on our commitment to academic excellence, while at the same time allowing our students a plethora of activities, sports, and laundry facilities. Our campus includes the most modern technology available, including washers, dryers and ironing board areas.

Happy Fun Guy

Weather your looking for a career in science, art, scientific arts, or artistic sciences, MCATDA is the most best place to be wear you can get a degree in alot of exiting feilds to help you get a job with.

College is a time for learning. In order to facilitate this, we have devised our own special patented system of induced learning which you will only find here at the Montsylvanian College of Agricultural Technology Design Arts.

Each student is required to participate in a series of learning sessions which we call “Classes.” During the course of each of these “Classes,” an expert we have hired to profess their knowledge will stand in a room and speak for a period of time about the subject in which they are an expert.

Students will be required to remember the important parts of these speeches. to ensure that they remember, it is suggested that students bring a pencil or pen and paper to class to write down the gist of the expert’s speech.

From time to time, these experts will give the learners a paper, upon which are printed questions concerning the expert’s speeches. Learners will be rated according to how well they are able to provide the answer to these questions from memory.

Other learning-related activities will include having the learners read books related to the subjects upon which the experts profess their knowledge. The learners will be required to write their own collection of information based upon the information in the books.

After four years of these activities, the learners will receive a certificate of diplomacy and will be granted the honor of Bachelorhood. In order to participate in these activities, potential learners will be required to give the college a certain amount of monies. After said payment, learners will be given the choice of subjects upon which they want to base the majority of their learning.

Majors Available at MCATDA

Bernard Borden School of Science and Alchemy

  • Radio-Zoology
  • Arithmetic
  • Histronomy
  • Applied Metaphysics
  • Cryonics
  • Commuter Science
  • Agricultural Psychology
  • Imagineering
  • Geo-mathematics
  • Quantum Agriculture
  • Astrogation
  • Granulation Technology
  • Hydro-genetic Engineering
  • Vegetable Husbandry

Reverend Wolfpatty School of Divinity

  • Theosophy
  • Demonology
  • Zen Judaism

Bester College of Belgian Studies

  • Belgian Literature
  • Belgian Children’s Literature

Borden (no relation) School of the Liberal Arts

  • Amish Studies
  • Voodoo Economics
  • Sopwith Camel Studies
  • Esperanto
  • Noticing Things
  • Political Alchemy
  • Slavic Geology
  • Hermaphrodite Studies
  • Television Viewing
  • Undead American Studies
  • John Hollis (Lobot) Studies
  • Philatelics
  • Yodeling History
  • Chronology
  • Histrology
  • Chinology
  • Post-Classical Hermitics
  • Journalistics

Delores P. Grunion School of Sports Science

  • Aerial Croquet
  • Aquatic Badminton

Jim Rosen School of Fine Arts

  • Tim Conway Impersonation
  • Cyborg Choreography
  • Xerographic Arts
  • Nude Fashion Design
  • Arts and Crafts
  • Theremin Performance
  • Vest Making
  • 5-D Design
  • Rough Drafting

Joseph Stalin College of Professional Studies

  • Arts and Crafts Administration
  • Simian Administration
  • Clam Repair/Maintenance
  • Travel Agent Technology
  • Pickling
  • Bacon Festival Administration
  • Pre-Custodial Studies
  • Lobster Design

Horatio Nelson College of Medicine

  • Bovine Gynecology
  • Phrenology

At the Montsylvania College of Agricultural Technology Design Arts we don’t let the university experience stop at mere learning. We offer a wide variety of extra-curricular activities for every student, even those who are very boring.

accordion
Interested in music? There is our award winning musical group The Accordioneers. Now on their world-wide tour of Belgium and Iceland.

football
Here at the MCATDA we also offer many exciting sports including unicycle racing, free style unicycling, figure unicycling, and our intramural unicycling league. There is also a 43-Man Squamish Team.

electrics
Students can also do many exciting things like “surf” the interconnected network, play simulatory games, chat, work on projects and hang out in our brand new, state-of-the-art Computational Engine Laboratory, now featuring the new ENIAC systems.

mascot unicycles
So join Puffsto the Fighting Puffin, our beloved MCATDA mascot and become a part of the tradition of excellence and excitement that is Montsylvania College of Agricultural Technology Design Arts.

library

Dave

Montsylvania College of Agricultural Technology Design Arts Dean of Students Dr. Dave Soviet invites you to write us and receive even more informative information by mail.

for more information:

MCATDA Information Office
5116 Bunion Road Street Boulevard Suite 491,103,131,13
Bestoria, MV 991832
www.mcatda.edu

H.G. Peterson Jeremy Rosen

H.G. Peterson’s “Bloody Stumps”

Peterson
H.G. Peterson is the inventor of the dumbwaiter and an avid pugilist. Currently, he is a member of the Board of Directors of Daniel Bester, Inc.

Dancing on my bloody
stumps
Making squish, squish
squishy clumps
As puddles form upon the
hardwood floor

Happy as a dog in trash
As I hop and spin and
splash
Even though my bones are
kind of sore

Go ahead and do your thing
I’ll just jump around and
sing
As my calves are mushed to
bloody gore

Bloody Stumps

Gothchick Mayonnaise