June 20, 2004 @ 7:35 pm
Axes & Alleys: No Longer Available in Finland as Dictated by the Papacy
A Special Commemorative Issue
Celebrating Fifty Years of Underpants
While we here at Axes and Alleys normally shy away from specialized issues and other cheap tricks, we have recently realized that such tricks do actually enable us to sell more issues. Hence our new policy of putting photographs of nearly nude women on our cover. And hence this, a specialized commemorative issue.
Of course, we will never fail to bring you the best in tractor repair and maintenance information, but now all our up-to-date, highly informative, tractor-related articles will also feature flashy graphics, big colorful ads and lots of pictures of scantily clad women.
Welcome to the new era for Axes & Alleys and join us as we celebrate 50 Years of wonderful underpants. Cheers.
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@ 8:04 pm
Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.
Dear Sirs,
I would like to write a letter to express my gratitude to you for possessing the boldness necessary to publish last month’s superb article “Picturesque Waynesboro, Georgia.” Why, I was so impressed with your article that I decided to take my vacation there this year. My lesbian-life-partner Trudy and I had a wonderful time enjoying all the exciting things that Waynesboro had to offer. We especially enjoyed The Wet Spot and Rock the Box, two of the city’s many lovely lesbian bars. The highlight of our trip was when we got to see Elvis Bussard, one of our favorite drag kings, perform the Andy Williams’ song “Moon River.” What a treat! Thanks a bunch for your article, I look forward to more fun from your magazine in the future.
Love in Christ,
Angela C. MacArthur
To Whom This Might be of Concern:
It has occurred to me that July 1st of this year will be the nine hundred and seventh anniversary of the Battle of Dorylaeum (Eskisehir), fought between the Turkish forces of Kilij Arslan, Seljuk Sultan of Rum and the Crusaders under Bohemond of Taranto. Truly the Novcentetseptennial of this important battle demands serious recognition within the pages of your publication. Why, if the Crusaders had not won this battle, how could they have subsequently captured the city of Antioch? Where then would our modern world be? On our block we will be having a barbeque and cake walk to commemorate this event, because we must always remember the sacrifices of those who fought to conquer foreign lands and suppress unfamiliar religions. We must never forget that these noble Christian invaders defeated the Saljuks, directly leading to the collapse of the Ottoman empire a mere eight centuries later.
Thank you.
Warmest Regards,
Maximilian “Mac Attack” Smythe-Horowitz
Dear Publishers of Axes and Alleys,
Recently I have discovered a device which can imbue kangaroos with telekinetic powers. I call in the Pneunguin, because I already registered that name back when I was trying to come up with a pneumatic penguin. Unfortunately I happened to invent the kangaroo thing first, so that’s that I guess.
Love,
Arthur Gordon (Mrs.)
Dear People,
I would like to point out that across this land, criminals who violate laws, have no respect for the social contract. Convicted convicts and felons who commit crimes should be held accountable for their criminal actions in courts and court-like institutions.
As a legally abiding law abider, I think that these criminals should take crime more seriously. Not only does crime violate the law, but it is an infraction against the penal code. Judges and juries should take more time out of their busy schedules to try these convicts and convict them.
Crime would not be such a terrible thing in our society if we had fewer criminals, felons, convicts, lawbreakers, and offenders. Perhaps we should remember that the next time we go to the polls to vote in an election. Otherwise, criminals will be free to violate the legal laws without repercussions.
Delores Pogrot-Grunion-Habberdan
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@ 8:09 pm
Bestoria, Montsylvania is much the same as any modern teeming Kafka-esque metropolis. It full of skyscrapers, has an inefficient mass transit system and swarms with legions of vagrants, winos and crack-whores who roam the streets stalking innocent pedestrians that they can rob, rape or heinously murder.
By Regional Travel Correspondent
Dr. Katie DeLancy.
But anyone who takes the time to dig through the steaming pile of feces that Bestoria appears to be on the surface, will find a city that teems with more than just maggots and death. Though the streets may be strewn with garbage, corpses and discarded disease covered needles, though the parks may be home to shanty towns of semi-savage homeless dregs, the city of Bestoria has many notable attractions that distract the eyes from the squalor and depravity most often associated with this city.
So come with, and take a tour with me of this mighty city; the Garden City!
Founded in 1830 on the winding banks of the Calazoona River, Bestoria was named for legendary Revolutionary War hero Samuel Bester, whose family hailed from nearby Whatchaw County in what was then the Territory of Montsylvania. When Montsylvania became a state in 1832, the city became the state capital, a position it maintains to this day.
Many of the original Antebellum houses can still be found, in varying states of disrepair, in Old Town Bestoria, a small enclave on Bircher’s Hill which still overlooks the river where once river boats brought cotton, slaves, aloe and other commodities up the river from New Orleans. One notable home has now been transformed at tax-payer expense into The Bestoria History Museum. Prixby Place is a marvel of Sub-Georgian architecture and many hundreds of people stop by each year to see its many displays including such amazing artifacts as antique dentures, nineteenth century wheelbarrows and first Montsylvanian Governor Alexander Hull’s official gubernatorial croquet set.
Prixby Place Bestoria History Museum.
401 Walton Way. Admission $1.00 Adults,
$.89 Children.
Those tourists who find the Prixby Place History Museum a bit too quaint, may enjoy something a little more avant-garde, for instance, the National Museum of Performance Art, located in the heart of the Spot Welding District. Once a home to the city’s thousands of spot welders, this area is now a collection of trendy, up-scale establishments which cater to the city’s many trendniks, wannabe artists, and hetero-queers. The N’MPA as locals know it, houses many interested and impossible to understand pieces of art including Michelle Durint’s “Flame” which features video images of monkeys lighting candles while a metallic voice shrieks “Repression” endlessly or Gustav Loider’s infamous “Speakings on Lettuce in the Heat” where the artist sits naked in a vat of peanut butter while attractive naked female communist college students perform oral sex on him. It’s fun for the whole family, especially the members of the family who majored in “Feminist Prose” or “Psycholinguistics of Gender-Modes.”
Amanda Channing’s installation “Grasp #67″
on display at the National Museum of Performance Art.
Suggested Donation: One cabbage as an allegory of
female oppression in a patriarchal phalocracy.
Of course, no trip to Bestoria would be complete without a glimpse of the famous “Sideways Tower” built by renowned architectonomist I.P. Nim in 1947 to celebrate the hundred and seventeenth anniversary of the Bestoria’s founding. At two hundred and three feet, it is the longest sideways tower ever constructed. Visitors can take a crazy sideways elevator to the edge of the building, where they can look down at a spectacular view of the street below, or look up at a spectacular view of the sky. And now, the Sideways Tower is better than ever, since the rats and homeless have been cleared away for good.
The famous Sideways Tower of Bestoria
Bestoria is not just home to mindless art projects and pointless architectural oddities. The city also has one of the world’s largest and strangest zoos; the Montsylvanian State Zoological Taxidermy Gardens. Here, visitors can see thousands of different types of animal carcasses, each in a representation of their natural environment. Don’t forget to stop by the Submerged Primate House, where you can see stuffed chimpanzees stuffed into fish tanks. What a treat for any animal lover!
Another heart-stopping-adventure filled
day at the Taxedermy Zoo in Bestoria.
Not many people know that you couldn’t spell Bestoria without S, and that S is the first letter in the word store, and in the word shop as well. There’s a lot of great deals to be made in some of the world’s best retail and wholesale outlets. You can find whatever you’re looking for in Bestoria. First, make a stop off at Pantstravaganza, your home for all things trouser-related. Britches too constricting for you? Then why not try near by Skirtsapaloozza! where they have nine kilometers of skirts to choose from. But whatever you’re looking for, make sure you stop by the world famous Hormel Megastore, the largest canned meat retail center in the world. They have everything from Spam, Spam light, chili, corned beef hash, and anything else your heart could imagine, and all in their six story, ultra modern mega sized store.
Get great deals on canned meat products
at the Hormel Megastore
And, of course, be sure to stop by the State Capital Building, where you can see the United State’s only Septocameral State Legislature in action.
The Bestoria State Governmental Compelex. Open
to the public on weekdays. No handguns allowed.
Rifles only when properly licensed.
Why, there’s simply too much fun stuff to do in Bestoria and unfortunately I have only three alloted pages for my articles. Guess you’ll just have to go and see Bestoria for yourself then. Tell ‘em Katie sent you.
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@ 9:39 pm
Kalisotta Special Olympics an Unparalleled Success
Wire-filed by Jeremy Rosen on June18, 2004
Jeremy Rosen is the worldwide curator of the
Sine Wave Museum, part-time Astro-Combustion
specialist at the European Space Agency and an
active protagonist in CAMMWSMWK (the
Campaign Against Mandated Minimum Wage
Standards for Migrant Workers in Kalisotta).
Alabaster, Kalisotta- Great strides were figuratively made this past weekend in Alabaster, where the fourth annual quadrennial Calisotta Special Olympics took place in J. Edgar Hoover Stadium on the shores of Lake Chively.
Ronald Montgomery of Bakersfield, IW placed first in the wheelchair race division with his introduction of a wheeled chair powered by a 250cc engine. Ronald finished the 50 meter track in a record seven seconds, gaining the gold over Louis Asterson and Aldo Casper, who received silver and bronze respectively. Mr. Montgomery has certainly evened the playing field, prompting the Calisotta Special Olympics sub-committee on Rules and Standards to reexamine paragraph 3, sub-section 12 on wheel chair standards.
This year’s oil crawl was particularly exciting. Rice Edgars slid to a fantastic finish down the slide, though silver recipient B. Prowter has contested Edgars’ first place finish on collision interference and steroid use grounds. Officials are examining photographs of Edgars’ from two months ago, which Prowter purports to show a marked and suspicious growth in upper body muscle mass.
Perhaps the most enjoyable event was the Buoyancy Competition, wherein participants are judged on standards of buoyancy, placidness and adornment. Samuel J. Samuels deservedly won this event with his special tribute to American democracy. Floating still, regardless of wind and waves, Samuels was festooned with crinoline American bunting, a swim cap modeled on the Constitution and a spiral-patterned version of the Declaration of Independence circling his entire body.
Notable also was Christer Jorgensens Salute to the Armada, which accurately reenacted the famous British sea battle, but lost on account of Jorgensens recreation of the sinking of the Spanish ship Alhambra wherein Jorgensen himself sank beneath the water and had to be retrieved by lifeguards.
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