In order to better comply with the Classifieds Reduction and Farm Annuity Subsidy Act (2001), this will be the last installment of classified ads in this publication. Any persons wishing to place ads should contact our sister publication Go Icecream!: The Official Magazine of the Eugene, Oregon Chapter of Teddy Roosevelt Impersonators Internationale.
Thanks, and see you next month!
THE FOLLOWING ADS HAVE BEEN DESIGNATED [CLASSIFIED]
BY THE US DEPARTMENT OF INTELLIGENCE and SECURITONOMY.
ANY PERSON OR PERSONS ENGAGED IN ANAUTHORIZED VIEWING WILL BE SUBJECT TO CRIMINAL PENALTY UNDER THE FREEDOM FROM INFORMATION ACT (1971) AND COULD FACE UP LIFE IN PRISON OR A FINE OF UP TO $4.35.
And Now the Classified Ads
1 oz. of lunar soil. This is soil produced on the Moon. $55CND, shipping included. Call Rory’s place on Stanton Street.
Live version of the Trucker Hat Banjo Five’s “Hosanna Chicago” from the Nyack show. Will pay top dollar for quality version.
Cursed African tribal mask from Congo. Must don mask in presence of rentor for period of 5 minutes or more.
Polyandrous zebra for pool parties and other functions. Must be looking for fun, no commitments.
Live specimen of beings from ZX-2579 in the Procarlis Cluster. Must originate from smaller continent!!!
Dr. Schuyler’s Menagerie 2525 Bolton Pkwy.
Soul Mate. No longer useful for romantic purposes. May be skilled in cleaning or upholstering arts. Paper trained.
One gross of denizens of Lower Grunding. Freshly harvested and ready for consumption. First come, first served. $1 each or $20 per dozen.
Harvey’s Lower Grunding Purveyors of Lower Grunding.
Handy disposal service. Myriad homunculi processed in testicles are ready for disposal. Seeking appropriate area for disposal. Women only.
Eighteen fat women for use with art project.
Alan Rench, 778-1992.
Whale carcass found on beach. Partly decomposed, but otherwise useful. Transportation costs not included.
Leftron Beach Pier 47
For 1 oz. of lunar soil stolen from Montsylvanian College of Agricultural Technical Design Arts’ Arboretum and Space Walk last Thursday. $23 and lifetime pass for information leading to capture and prosecution of science thief.
Down and out auto mechanic and family. For rent to good home with four bedrooms. Must feed and clothe. Murray 987-6523
Daniel Bester, Inc. is offering $15 pre-natal inoculation against various artificial viruses and pathogens. Visit the Nutley Methadone Clinic for more information.
Society-changing, innovative technology for cheap licensing and production. Small processing fee, free consultation.
1,018 piston rods from 1934 Bentleys. Free “I Love Lumberjacks” yarlmulke included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1
Last page of magazine, formerly classifieds, now great ad space! Contact Delores at “A&A”