Monthly Archives: June 2004

Classifieds Scott Birdseye

Advertisements (Classified) : June 2004

Editor’s Note:
In order to better comply with the Classifieds Reduction and Farm Annuity Subsidy Act (2001), this will be the last installment of classified ads in this publication. Any persons wishing to place ads should contact our sister publication Go Icecream!: The Official Magazine of the Eugene, Oregon Chapter of Teddy Roosevelt Impersonators Internationale.

Thanks, and see you next month!
-Delores.

WARNING:

THE FOLLOWING ADS HAVE BEEN DESIGNATED [CLASSIFIED]
BY THE US DEPARTMENT OF INTELLIGENCE and SECURITONOMY.

ANY PERSON OR PERSONS ENGAGED IN ANAUTHORIZED VIEWING WILL BE SUBJECT TO CRIMINAL PENALTY UNDER THE FREEDOM FROM INFORMATION ACT (1971) AND COULD FACE UP LIFE IN PRISON OR A FINE OF UP TO $4.35.

And Now the Classified Ads
FOR SALE
1 oz. of lunar soil. This is soil produced on the Moon. $55CND, shipping included. Call Rory’s place on Stanton Street.

WANTED
Live version of the Trucker Hat Banjo Five’s “Hosanna Chicago” from the Nyack show. Will pay top dollar for quality version.
Macy: 544-4706
PUBLIC MESSAGE
#77895/33

FOR RENT
Cursed African tribal mask from Congo. Must don mask in presence of rentor for period of 5 minutes or more.
lou@crabtree.net

WANTED
Polyandrous zebra for pool parties and other functions. Must be looking for fun, no commitments.

WANTED
Live specimen of beings from ZX-2579 in the Procarlis Cluster. Must originate from smaller continent!!!
Dr. Schuyler’s Menagerie 2525 Bolton Pkwy.

FOR RENT
Soul Mate. No longer useful for romantic purposes. May be skilled in cleaning or upholstering arts. Paper trained.
779-7425

FOR SALE
One gross of denizens of Lower Grunding. Freshly harvested and ready for consumption. First come, first served. $1 each or $20 per dozen.
Harvey’s Lower Grunding Purveyors of Lower Grunding.

WANTED
Handy disposal service. Myriad homunculi processed in testicles are ready for disposal. Seeking appropriate area for disposal. Women only.
Box 4599

FOR RENT
Eighteen fat women for use with art project.
Alan Rench, 778-1992.
FOR SALE
Whale carcass found on beach. Partly decomposed, but otherwise useful. Transportation costs not included.
Leftron Beach Pier 47

REWARD
For 1 oz. of lunar soil stolen from Montsylvanian College of Agricultural Technical Design Arts’ Arboretum and Space Walk last Thursday. $23 and lifetime pass for information leading to capture and prosecution of science thief.

FOR RENT
Down and out auto mechanic and family. For rent to good home with four bedrooms. Must feed and clothe. Murray 987-6523

INNOCULATIONS!
Daniel Bester, Inc. is offering $15 pre-natal inoculation against various artificial viruses and pathogens. Visit the Nutley Methadone Clinic for more information.

WANTED
Society-changing, innovative technology for cheap licensing and production. Small processing fee, free consultation.
www.patencorp.com

FOR SALE
1,018 piston rods from 1934 Bentleys. Free “I Love Lumberjacks” yarlmulke included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1

FOR RENT
Last page of magazine, formerly classifieds, now great ad space! Contact Delores at “A&A”

Ads Scott Birdseye

Orangutan

Jeremy Rosen Stuff & Things

An Editorialization

From the Desk of Alan Guthman

Alan Guthman is known the world over for his
constant and unwavering activism. He is President
of the Global Conservation Group and also serves
on the Daniel Bester Inc. Board of Directors as
Special Advisor on Environmental Affairs. As the
founder of ASSHAT (Americans and Saskatchewanese
Stopping Hate and Tactlessness) he speaks at
colleges and universities all over the lecture circuit
to raise money for his various hippy ass liberal causes.

As far as I’m concerned, puffins are the coolest animal out there. Wombats come in second and marmosets are third. Lions are number four and ocelots round it out at number five. Animals are super cool. See ya later.

Jeremy Rosen News of the World

The Society Page

A Description of the Happenings
All About the City of Bestoria

Attack Velocity 2: The Last Attack actress Jacinda
Sporkan returns from her wedding yesterday to Bestoria
Peregrine football quarterback Herb “The Wall” Halloran.
The couple will be taking their honeymoon in York, U.K.

Look who showed up at the Grand Opening of the new
Cannery on the Katharinetowne Industrial Parkway.
That’s right, it’s reclusive author Jamison B. Flindershdtadt,
who sources tell us is getting ready to write the
sequel to his bestseller A Hedgerow for Darius.

Local Bestboy Grip Dave Flan smiles for the
camera while partying at Triscoe’s Bodega.

April 23, 2004
Local Poet Search Turns Ugly.

H.G. Peterson, formerly of Esperia, says the process to choose the Bestoria Poet Laureate has been stymied by literati infighting. Peterson is best known for his amazing “Guide to Monkeys” published within this magazine.

And Peterson just might bail out the municipality’s search committee, which extended its deadline from January to April, when it failed to find any poets within the original two weeks specified who were willing and able to write verse about the General Worthington Expressway.

Though he prefers scarf and fedora to the more traditional laurels, Peterson contends, in various pentameters, that no one is suited more than he to Bestoria’s distinct rhyme and odometer.

“My poetry is synonymous with Bestoria and its people,” he told Axes & Alleys’ Romulus Augustulus. “Naturally, I’m be honored to assume the responsibilities of poetifying Bestoria.”

He’s written only one sonnet and few limericks, and is only published in obscure journals of various reputes, but Peterson is a true star. Earlier this century he helped bring poetry to impoverished Montsylvania. Few poets can point to a run of celebrity wives like he can.

Like other poets, Peterson often references the work of masters who came before him – and not just Thomas O’Reilley of Dublin. Keats wrote “Ode to a Grecian Urn.” Peterson wrote “Ode to the Fishing Trawler Which Brought My Fish.”

“I always wanted to be a monger of some sort,” he said. “It’s just now we call it a poet.”

Will the crusty committee consider Peterson’s work on par with that of Shinny Whitfield or Esther Yeardly?

“We’re not going to throw out his application,” said Arnold “Comfy” Silver, the 104-year-old Montsylvania College of Agricultural Technology Design Arts librarian managing the search.

To be eligible for the three-year honorary position, the poet’s work must contain at least 32 references to things Bestorian or be 26% Bestorian in nature, whichever comes last, and have lived in the general area for five years, and have at least one friend originating from Bestoria. They must also take a 500 question quiz on the historiography of the region and its people and show a fondness of carrots. Upon acceptance of the position they will be crowned with the official Poetic Nipple Rings; a much esteemed piercing.

Peterson says Bestoria was the inspiration for much of his poetry. His favorite, “Cleaning Coffins: The Saga of Brenford II with Persimmons,” refers to Bestoria specifically.

Though he recently left this the city for less poetic pastures in Aardvington, that does not disqualify Peterson from assuming the post, Silver said.

The committee, comprised mainly of area swineherds (who were originally the bastion of Bestoria’s poetic virtue), will review the applications in the coming days.

H.G. Peterson Scott Birdseye

Several Poetical Stanzas from H.G. Peterson

“The Poe of Esperia”

H.G. Peterson is the Director of Children’s
Pop-Up Literature at the United States Library
of Congress. He is an internationally recognized
authority on 19th Century whaling vessels.

World War Two: A Poem

Well ol’ Mister Winston Churchill insists
We’ll never surrender despite the Blitz
The British Empire should never fear
Just offer up blood, sweat, toil and tears
The Nazi’s have armies and much air power
But this will be Our Finest Hour

Herr Hitler on the other hand
That angry vegetarian
Had Panzer armies attack East and West
Because he thought Aryans were the best
The Germans picked quite a few fights
And France surrendered in three fortnights

Hiro Hito and the Japanese
Were conquering islands with the greatest ease
They took Manchuria and the Philippines
And Indo-China and all those pacific scenes
Ruled that whole Ocean with a mighty fleet
And an army that knew not defeat

Then in a day that lives in infamy
The Arizona was sunk by the Japanese
Pearl Harbor the US vowed to remember
For the Axis powers they’d dismember
MacArthur and Nimitz moved toward Japan
While upon Germany bombing runs were ran

But the Russians were in a hell of a state
With Nazi’s at the Moscow gate
So Stalin sent millions of guys into the attack
to drive the fascist invaders back
At Stalingrad, on the Volga’s banks
And on the steppes with guns and tanks

Then on D-Day Normandy was liberated
When the British and US troops invaded
Though the Bulge was quite a threat
The Germans had had their match met
The Russians poured in from the East
And the American advance refused to cease

In ‘45 it all fell down
When the Allies marched into Berlin town
The Axis situation became quite dire
With Hitler in a ditch on fire
The Germans surrendered, every man
But we still had to defeat Japan

The Japanese weren’t doing to so hot
For all their transports with torpedoes were shot
They had no oil with which to fight
Their navy had an awful plight
Lots of planes shot down and carriers sunk
Too many ships now underwater junk

Even kamikazes wouldn’t stop their foes
Nor banzai attacks and their deadly blows
Though the Japanese did really try
To make the American armies die
Continual attacks with the B-29s
Destroyed much behind enemy lines

The US liberated the Philippines lands
And landed on the Okinawan sands
Then we island hopped to Iwo Jima
And dropped The Bomb on Hiroshima
Thus after our nuclear adventure
The Japanese could only surrender

We had a party when we got the news
And so we called it World War II