A Discourse on the Subtlety of Attraction

It is a widely known fact that most heterosexual, and even some homosexual, men love attractive women. What is less widely understood is why certain women are particularly attractive; especially since many attractive women look nothing alike. You can take a big curvy Amazon, a little petite ballerina or even a scruffy tomboy and find them all to be highly pleasing to the eye, and to other parts as well. Some psychologists try to boil it down to facial symmetry, some anthropologists might point to the sphericality of breast shape, some biologists might talk of pheromones or child-bearing hips, but for some reason attractive women come in all sorts of different styles.

One way to look at the situation is to realize that there are cute women, pretty women and beautiful women; all of which are different yet still equally desirable. Cute, pretty and beautiful are closely related, often it can be difficult to distinguish one from the other. Usually this is because the person trying to distinguish one from the other is not thinking with his brain. All three types of women have a remarkable ability to shut down any male’s higher brain functions.

It’s most important to note that cute, pretty and beautiful are entirely separate from the other triptych; girl-next-door, virtuous virgin and wildly fun slut. It’s easy to pair each of these three terms with a counterpart; the cute girl-next-door, the pretty virtuous virgin and the beautiful wildly fun slut. This doesn’t work at all though. Any researcher should always keep in mind that there are plenty of cute sluts, pretty girls-next-door and beautiful virtuous virgins. The key question then is, what makes a woman cute, pretty or beautiful?

First, we will explore cute. Often, cuteness corresponds directly to stature. One will find more short cute girls than pretty or beautiful girls of small stature. Cuteness can also be dictated by the facial features; large, pronounced eyes, a small nose and mouth and generally rounded facial types are often the hallmark of the cute woman. One could, if one were so inclined, describe such features as mousey or child-like, although this is not the best comparison, as only the insanely strange enjoy sexual relations with mice or children while almost all men enjoy such activities with cute women.

The pretty woman, on the other hand, is perhaps a bit more classical in appearance. Her features are well arranged, and sometimes even angular in their appearance. Many pretty women are of a taller, but more graceful stature, and their looks could even be called refined. While one might easily call a beautiful or cute female of any age a girl, the pretty female seems to fit the word woman quite well. She is grown up, maybe even tall and elegant and perhaps more serious in her countenance then her beautiful or cute compatriots. There is a sly, cat-like grace about the pretty woman, and even if she is a girl-next-door, her classic exquisiteness always shines through.

Lastly, the beautiful woman seems to embody some of the traits of both the cute and the pretty. In many ways she combines the strengths of both styles into one package that is instantly appealing. She’s more grown up than the cute, but still more unbounded than the pretty. Drifting through all the styles, the beautiful woman is at once elegant and playful. Unlike the cute, who can hide behind bashfulness or the pretty who can hide behind her stoicism, there is no sticking a beautiful woman under a bushel; no matter where she goes she will be noticed by everyone. For it is the beautiful woman, who combines the allure of the cute and pretty, who always gets the attention, whether she wants it or not.

Each of us has known and has fallen in love with women who are cute, who are pretty and who are beautiful. Though each group has its own strengths and particularities that single it out, when it all comes down to the right moment, they are all the same; no matter if a woman is cute, pretty or beautiful, the only important thing is that at least she isn’t fugly.

An Editorial

From the Desk of Philip R. Dick


Pants: The Scourge of Humanity

Did you know that roughly seventy-nine percent of people throughout the world wear pants on a regular basis? This is a horrible fact when you think about it. In actuality pants are nothing more than exceptionally-loose tights or bifurcated skirts. There are those who claim pants are just long shorts, but this is a silly opinion as shorts are just short long pants.

Pants were invented by a Mr. Pants of the Seventeenth Century, who first donned what were then called pantaloons. Since that day men everywhere, and some women, have been forced to exist under the Tyranny of the Pants. This is most unfortunate as pants are an uncomfortable and unreliable garment.

Did you know that 78.5% of criminals wore pants while committing their crimes? It is true, most criminals are men; men who wear pants. A minority of crimes are committed by skirt-wearing people. Is the problem of crime in society caused by pants? It can’t be proven definitively, but the statistics seem to show that perhaps all ills in society find their foundation in the wearing of pants.

When the climate is hot, pants are uncomfortable. Pants are not quite acceptable. Everyone knows that skirts are far more comfortable. Skirts allow for free air flow and even freer movement.

In battle, pants are restrictive while skirts allow you to defeat your enemies in comfort, and in the latest fashions. Let us not forget that the brave Spartans at Thermopylae were wearing skirts while their insidious Persian foes were clad in leather trousers.

Pants come in only a few styles, fabrics and colors. Skirts come in brand new styles each season; from the monochrome mini to the long, patterned and flowing, to the dark and metal-adorned bondage style. Skirts allow each individual to choose their own style and fashion. Whether you prefer the thin pencil skirt or the flowing, flowery style, you can be certain that there will always be a skirt available to best suit your own particular mood or personality.

Pants represent nothing but structure, limits and death. Skirts are about freedom. Skirts are about comfort. Skirts are about individuality. So, next time you want to feel special, why not give the pants a miss and try a skirt instead. 83% of Scotsmen would agree with you.

Fashion of the World

Denizens of Trendy Williamsburg, NY Areas Adopt New Tractor Fad

“Tractors are cool” -Grand St. Resident Steve Silachs

Despite the fact that she is pictured
naked, Katie Valencia is a world renowned
expert on clothing styles and clothing-
related-item styles. She is director of the
International Garment Consortium and also
collects rare or misshapen weasel skulls.

The neighborhood of Williamsburg, in Brooklyn, NY, has seen many interesting new fashion trends in the past few years since the light-industrial zoned area became a haven for artists, trendniks and other malcontents.

The trendniks’ fashion sense is inherently tied to nostalgia, especially ironic nostalgia. Thus, the trendniks can often been seen sporting circa 1950s Soviet paraphernalia, circa 1960s unkempt haircuts, circa 1970s tight jeans, and circa 1980s Pumas.

Essentially, the idea of trendnik fashion is simple; the older and more lame the garment, the greater ironic appeal it possesses. Thus, when this idea is carried to its natural conclusion, the average trendnik begins dressing for the 2000s by wearing the clothing and accessories of a rural farmer in 1980s Kentucky; including but not limited to trucker hats, Pabst Blue Ribbon, and Johnny Cash records.

The latest trend to hit the L train follows this progression. Recently, many twenty-somethings in Bedford and Alphabet City have been seen raising chickens, hunting for deer, and most importantly, driving tractors from their studio apartments to their various destinations; art galleries, faux dive bars, Thai eateries, and organic natural food stores.

Tractor popularity amongst urban post-youths is, according to the trade journal Annual Tractor Sales Quarterly, at an all time high. Though tractor dealers are pleased with current popularity of urban farm equipment and accessories, most dealers are realistic about the trend.

“While my sales are up 200% for this quarter” stated Greenpoint tractor dealer ‘Honest Hank’ Gronjez “I figure this fad will go away just like pet rocks or parachute pants.”

Fashion insiders are skeptical that the trendniks will continue the tractor trend, especially since Agro-Farm, a division of Daniel Bester Inc. had recently signed a deal with VonDutch and Steve Madden Shoes to sell the “Infinity Mark VIII Tractor” in H&M retail outlets throughout the five boroughs, no doubt increasing the popularity of tractors to the point where trendniks will no longer favor them. The fact that Agr0-Farm has recently hired Ashton Kutcher as its official spokesman for the “Infinity Mark VIII” seems to back up the idea that the tractor trend has a limited lifespan.

Either way, next time you walk down Lorimer Street, make sure you don’t get run over by the tractor, the newest ironic Williamsburg trend.