Advertisements (Classified): November 2003

For Sale:
16 lbs. of carrot food. Great tasting, your carrots are guaranteed to eat up this fine and nutritious meal. Call Joe Strebling an asshole.

For Sale:
Two energy levels of six energy level electron shell. $7 or best offer. Sorry, all shells filled randomly. Contact Stephen H. at 734-1862.

Amateur garden hose roller for retirement home community. Must have experience rolling hoses of all ages, ranging from rubber to plastic sheathed mylar fabric. Washer assembly knowledge a plus. $6.25/hr plus meals. Eldritch Home for the Hose, 1635 Weatherby Way, Quonset, NT Continue reading

A Handy Field Guide to Evil’s Supreme Potentate (The Devil)

by Scott G. Birdseye, Doctor of Philosophy

Scott G. Birdseye

Often the popularity and longevity of stories and myths lies in the strength of the central antagonist. Christian mythology follows this trend, as its villain remains one of the most compelling and infamous characters in the whole of literature. Despite the integral nature of Satan within Christianity’s cosmic drama, the character is not a purely Christian construct and receives only limited mention in the Bible. The character, known alternately as Satan, Lucifer, the Devil, Beelzebub or the Beast, is an amalgamation of pagan Celtic and Greek, Hebrew, and Zoroastrian figures molded into its most recognizable representation by early Christian theologians, Medieval European philosophers and writers of the Renaissance. Continue reading

How to Create Your Own Nineteenth Century Name

To create a more dignified and gentlemanly name for yourself, simply pick one name from each of the columns below. Then, using your selections, go to your local Department of Motor Vehicles and get a new Driver’s? License bearing that name. Then enjoy life more fully. It really is just that simple. Continue reading

A Special Editorial on the Subject of Those Things Which Are Known as Weights for Papers


I want to paste old macaroni to construction paper and create a useless piece of crap and call it art. If no one will buy it and the critics crucify me, then I’ll call it a paperweight, which is basically a useless piece of crap, purchased as a gift for those who we assume have problems with open windows, or rather the drafts of wind which blow through them, blowing away important papers. Continue reading

Ask Montezuma: November 2003

Each month, Montezuma brings you the finest in advice column entertainments from his home offices at the Albigensian Daily Register.

Montezuma: Eponym of the City of Montezuma, GA.
Would you like to Ask Montezuma? Just click here.

Dear Montezuma,

Several days ago I found myself in the commission of the act of formulating and then speaking words which when strung together into a sentence, the information communicated by which was of a non-truthful nature. I now find myself deeply troubled. Are my pantaloons going to spontaneously burst into flames?

Richard Millhouse Nixon

I find myself cognosticating on your name. RMN…that’s neither clever nor meaningful. A note to all readers. In the future please have clever and/or sanctimonious names. This column has many features, not the least of which being the entertainment of myself. RMN has no ring, no zest, no joie de crustacean. This is a problem I have focused on with all of this week’s writers. You’ll notice not a one of them could possibly entertain me.

Dear Montezuma,

Recently, whilst attending a conference of Esperanto Haiku writers in a town far from my home, I became very lonely and sought solace in the arms of a harlot. This indiscretion fills me with guilt, for it exists as a direct betrayal both of my wife of seven years and of the vows we made before God and our assembled witnesses. So, you can see, I am left in a very troubling ethical predicament which only you can solve by answering my question; what is the proper tip to leave for a lady of the night?

Gary Hart

In some instances prostitutes, or their modern populist moniker “hos,” do not need to be tipped. If one hires a “ho” for an evening of philosophical and intellectual exchange, a tip may not be required at all. The same may go for oral or anal intercourse. The action is its own reward for your little harlot.

On the other hand, sexual congress with members of the Sex Workers Union International involves a gratuity of seven percent or more as the completion of any transaction. This may be rather inexpensive (in the case of a handjob and the chance to feel the Sex Worker Class II’s tits) or quite costly (two or more positions from both Asian and Central African sex manuals, mild bondage and water sports with a Sex Worker of any Supervisory Class or higher).

Any working woman with which it is indicated you must make an appointment is likely of the Brothel Stewardess level. In such instances a gratuity of 13 percent is included as per Contract 64-j-P3 and it’s last modification in 1998.

Otherwise, the tip is at your discretion with Sex Worker Class IA and any freelancers or contractors you may encounter. Remember, a tip is always polite, but tip your conscience.

Dear Montezuma,

Last year I was attempting to execute the operation of a far-reaching war in order to put down a rebellion by several of the territories of the nation over which I preside. During this time I made the difficult decision to suspend the Writ of Habeas Corpus in a territory of indeterminate loyalty. Do you believe this will lead to a decreased level of popularity amongst the future populace of my nation, or do you believe that my pragmatically chosen moral stance and determination to keep the country geographically intact will override my violation of loyalist freedoms, leaving me revered as a great statesman?

Abraham Lincoln

As dearest mother mine used to speak unto me, “You gotta keep real to yourself yo!” Her message of self-esteem and pride in one’s accomplishments has served me well through several decades of wonderment, indecision, doubt and peer pressure.

The same ideal could be applied aptly to you, dear Abe. A relative of secondary generational distance used to encourage me to “represent.” I also encourage you to participate in this representation.

Only with forthright fortitude and veracity to yourself will you be able to accomplish that which you desire. Do not dwell upon the legacy which unhygienic masses might claim for you in the future.

Dear Montezuma,

I believe that the Gold Standard is ruining the nation by disadvantaging Western and Southern farmers in order to benefit Eastern banking and shipping interests. I have therefore decided to run for the Presidency of the United States in order to correct this injustice. In order to do so, I have decided to create a political party in order to further these ends. Do you think the better name would be “The Greenback Labor Party” or “The Wetback Labor Party?”

James Weaver

James, James, James,
Choosing a name for your party of politics certainly expresses something to the public. The name should be succinct yet descriptive, clever but not gauche, subjective yet objective, and most importantly catchy.

Many politicians choose names of vigor and strength for their parties, like James Corpuscle’s Left Testicle Party or Norman Alberswith’s Hair On Chest Party. Theodore Roosevelt once came up with such a name, but my researchers have been lazy as of late.