Category Archives: News of the World

Jeremy Rosen News of the World Special Feature

Crustacean Considered Kosher

Karakol, Kyrgyzstan – The serendipity of science continues in an onward direction! Children from a local village, in an attempt to play a painful prank on a visiting British scientist, have brought into the blazing beam of the lighthouse of science Pronephrops capranothus; the Mountain Lobster. The children and local villagers were denied the chance to name the lobster, however. Dr. G. Everett Spindle refused to consult them before submitting the discovery to the journal Biology.

“That’s what they get for being literal pains in the bum,” the irate Spindle responded when questioned on his decision. “I’m still unable to sit down a week later!”

The Mountain Lobster, whose scientific name roughly translates as “bastard of the goat” is not just the first lobster to be found on land. In fact, it is also the first lobster known to have hooves and to chew its cud. It is also the only known lobster to live exclusively on a diet of grass.

These discoveries have made for an influx of Jewish and other Hebraic tourists to the Karakol region on the assumption that they could now enjoy lobster like everyone else. Rabbis everywhere have cautioned that the appearance of hooves and cud-chewing does not negate the animal not being a mammal. A minority of Rabbis have posited that the Mountain Lobster could be the long-lost species of locust mentioned as edible in the Torah.

The creature is still rather difficult for non-locals to find. Though large in size (some approach nearly a meter in length), the Mountain Lobster is able to run at over 10 miles per hour. They dig extensive burrows in the mountainsides and, due to a symbiotic relationship with a slime mold, are able to blend seamlessly into the crags and crannies of the local valleys.

The benefit to the slime mold is, at present unknown, though it has been hypothesized that organism has created a culture based entirely off of wind power, which the lobster’s movement provides.

Slime molds with culture and windmills are also a biological first.

Kyrgyzstan was long ridiculed as the land of stone rolling competitions and a poor man’s Uzbekistan. This Mountain Lobster discovery, newfound tourism income, and a more prominent place on the world stage all bode well for the landlocked Republic.

Only time will tell if the Mountain Lobster becomes an income generator pending Rabbinical decision, though the fact that the lobster tastes slightly like motor oil mixed with wheat germ may preclude its eventual adoption as a popular food stuff.

Jeremy Rosen News of the World Scott Birdseye

Race to the Finish Line!

Map

When the Free-American party was founded in the wake of the Crisis of 1883 and the 1884 interference by U.S. Marines in Cosa Nostra on the orders of President Horace B. Borden, it attracted many disaffected Union Labor Party and Federal Party supporters. This motley group, who could no longer stand shoulder-to-shoulder in the face of such graft and colonial enterprise, helped to offset the Republican Party off-shoot engendered by the American Freedom Party.

In 1888 the Free-American and American Freedom parties went head-to-head in a presidential election for the first time. While neither party won (Republican tailor’s dummy Benjamin Harrison took the prize), the nation split noticeably along each party’s political lines.

The wake of division flowed throughout the campaign, eventually splitting the nation along the route of the Montsylvania-Pacific Railway which had precipitated the Crisis of 1883 to begin with. Snaking its way from Southwest to Northeast, the railway separated regions politically as well as physically, creating what Teddy Roosevelt christened in 1904 as “The Great Diagonal Divide.” The Divide has had major bearing on every U.S. presidential election and national issue for the past 120 years.

The Free-American Party (The Greens), as the new children in the sub-division, planned to exploit every regional factor they could in an attempt to gain a huge electoral bloc. From the project representing the inchoate plans for what would become the Hoover Dam, through the speculative land crisis that would last decades and leave fallow the region which eventually formed Platha, into the Ohio Religious Persecutions, and all the way to immigration problems in the industrial and urban New England, the Free American Party stabbed at everything.

The American Freedom Party (The Purples), by contrast, was never able to gain the initiative in this first contest of wills. Fumbling the key issue of the St. Lawrence Seaway Blockade, they never recovered. Cut off at the knees for their support of Ku Klux Klan in Kentucky leader Arthur Phillips-Smoot, and having no appropriate response to the Great Blizzard of 1888, the American Freedom Party would barely have made it to election day if not for their vociferous embrace of Ernest Thayer’s poem “Casey at the Bat” as their convention keynote.

While neither party would make headway in presidential politics until the election of 1898, the Free-American Party and the American Freedom Party have essentially each taken turns in the leadership role and for the most part the geographic blocs created through their competition have remained static. And so every four years it becomes another battle of Green versus Purple, with the winner taking the White House.

Green and Purple, always diametrically opposed, continue to battle to this day. In 2008, the nation will see who will triumph; Dick Armstrong, who proudly wears the Green sash and golden starburst, or the eventual Purple-sashed contender. It is an exercise as old as 120 years and as fresh each time as the newborn calves of the field. And it is our choice, our vote, our will which decides if this year Green or Purple shall triumph.

Jeremy Rosen News of the World

Present History

Dick Armstrong

Never one to shy away from controversy or to worry about the polls, President Dick Armstrong has been steadfastly ignoring the upcoming election and the frenzied campaigning of his would-be opponents. Instead, Armstrong has focused on running the nation, playing daily games of marco polo with his five sons and three daughters, and fruitlessly hunting the White House lawn moles with a frogging gig. Some insiders, however, think he’s not quite ready for next November and the fight to the finish.

“We must not forget,” said amateur blogging pundit Lucy Coverage of Firedoglake.com “that Armstrong’s first term was anything but a breeze. Between the War, the Reptile Crisis, the short-lived video camera revolt, the Nullification Confrontation and the situation in Belgium, Armstrong’s had his hands full. Still, he has handled every situation with his usual wit and aplomb. Also, get a load of those suits!”

When asked about the election, Armstrong has developed an interesting new habit. Instead of answering he will smile coyly and then perform several yo-yo tricks. His most common is the “walk the dog,” though he has been known, on occasion, to do the “around the world,” or the highly difficult “Chinese loop the loop.”

Insiders have leaked reports that the president’s scale models have become “sloppy and careless,” troubling since Armstrong is well known for his breathtakingly detailed 1:48 scale replicas of his favorite airplane: the A-10 Warthog.

“It was troubling, because the cockpit glass was all fogged up and the landing gear wouldn’t retract because of a careless glue application. Half the decals were ripped or placed crooked,” stated White House Model Describer Mary Hargrove. “He even sanded the rudders in a sloppy fashion. Can you believe that?”

While the President is no doubt preoccupied by the upcoming election and the ongoing needle shortage, he seems upbeat as evidenced by a recent Daughters of the Agricultural Conflagration luncheon where the President displayed his charismatic wit and humor by recounting his third favorite joke:

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town’s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper “final” arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: “BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.” Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid’s final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin’s tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows: “RETURNED UNOPENED”

Despite the best efforts of the FA challengers, Armstrong seems more-or-less ready for the election and for another term. Polling asking whether Armstrong was preferred over any generic Free America candidate found the President ahead by a 5-to-1 margin. Against specific candidates, he led by as much as 90 points. As several taxidermists shouted at a recent speech, it seems that both Armstrong and the nation are ready for “Two hundred and eight more weeks.”

Jeremy Rosen News of the World

Election 2008

Election 2008
Contumacious, WL – This year, primary can be taken literally with Willinois, the nation’s newest state, holding its first primary; the first in an already-contentious electoral season. The ascendancies of several candidates and the meteoric fall of another have made for another first: the first interesting primary in 37 years. The American Freedom Party has never before been so glamorous.

While Rupert Olive won and Mitch Damage came in a close second, reflecting months of alternating at the top of the polls, perhaps most surprising was Mary Tarzan’s apparent self-destruction over the course of the four weeks leading up to the Primary on January 1st. The front-runner for much of the past year, Tarzan’s series of gaffes, foibles-come-to-light, and unfamiliarity with state customs in existence for only six months slashed the tires of her campaign and jimmied open its glove box.

The first hint of trouble came towards the beginning of December at Phil’s Pickle Factory located in Rueben-on-Rye. Shortly before she was to give her stump speech, Ms. Tarzan was overheard on a hot microphone saying to campaign manager Cyril Hendrix “Pickles are a stupid food. Anyone who likes pickles is stupid, too.” Willinois has the highest per-capita rate of pickle consumption in the Western hemisphere. (Pickled cucumbers are the favourite, but other varieties of pickled foodstuffs, most notably Japanese oshinko, are quite popular.)

Following such a major gaffe was Tarzan’s wearing of a left-breasted blazer in Strapami, a city in the Southwest of the state best known as the birthplace of the right-breasted blazer. Pundits across the country took carefully-aimed shots at Ms. Tarzan, with Pete Rendle of the Missoula General-Star calling her “Ready to Wear Out,” “On the Rack,” and other fashion-political puns.

Perhaps the largest contributor to her six point drop, though, was her fifteen minute indictment of ice cream presented on the capital steps at Contumacious. Tarzan turned a ten second sound bite about the familiar brain freeze into a lengthy harangue on the ridiculous amount of flavours available, cone sizes and textures, as well as “those Sinonipponesian hippies Ben & Jerry.”

Not that Willinois is a particular bastion of dairy farming or ice cream production in particular, but fully 90% of living Americans enjoy ice cream. A three point drop in poll numbers was soon to follow, with Tarzan finishing out the month and the primary at 15% and fourth place.

The largest increases came for G. Thomas Borden, mayor of Katharinetowne, West Dakota, and Elmo Wrigley, first governor of Willinois; each receiving a six point bump in poll numbers. With Borden coming in third and Wrigley right behind Tarzan at fifth, late-term stump promises certainly gained one candidate the right kind of attention.
Borden, previously “way behind,” made headway on December 14th in Selenium with his declaration of “small government for all,” followed shortly thereafter by a promise in an interview with the Selenium Heavy Metal to “bomb evil.” Further trumpeting of his war record and ancestry was seen by campaign managers as being somewhat boring.

He later showed off his wife and children, in order to prove that he was capable of carrying on an interpersonal relationship and engaging in unprotected coitus; followed, strangely, by a visit to a soup kitchen downtown, where he grabbed a bowl of soup for himself, claiming hunger. Press flacks for the campaign claimed that the visit was an effort to call attention to the hungry in our nation, but it was widely reported that Borden went back for seconds.

Wrigley, however, has led one of the most unusual campaigns in the history of presidential politics. While filing the paperwork for his candidacy himself, and making sure to have logos and signs designed and printed, the Willinois governor has done absolutely no stumping. In fact, though his schedule often shows him as purportedly appearing at one place or another, Mr. Wrigley is usually on the rear veranda of his house penning romantic short stories set in Asia (when he is not involved in legislation).

When pressed, campaign manager Darren P. Darren said that Wrigley had attended “no more than three” of his scheduled 672 campaign stops in December. Once he had even enjoyed a cappuccino in place of his speech to be given at the Daughters of the American Revolution in St. Tiddleboro.

Rupert Olive and Mitch Damage, the current overall front-runners, experienced another exchange of places as the former barely won. For months Olive has been trumpeting his “Olive for Olives” plan and his work seems to have paid off by finally taking a win at the first primary.

The three-point strategy involves the olive branch, olive oil, and olive loaf with each respectively representing peace, good health through low-cholesterol cooking, and the good bits hidden in the processed meat of life. While still somewhat vague, many onlookers see the “Olive for Olives” strategy as encouraging.

Accruing a sizable number of delegates for the upcoming American Freedom Party Convention, Mitch Damage could emerge the winner in later ballots should Olive’s hold on the lead prove ephemeral throughout the coming primary season. The stylish young congressman from Ohio spent arduous hours throughout the last year locking up the vote amongst women.

Candidates 2008

Notable endorsements included Mrs. Lewella Drumbley (age 23) the mayor of Knitting Needle, Stacey Howell (19), Ms. Willinois, and Mrs. Elizabeth Wrigley (27), wife of Willinois Governor Elmo Wrigley and a former hand model. Flashing his bright smile and mischievous grin while surrounded by a bevy of Thompson’s Dairy milk maids, Damage stated that “hard work and sweat pay off.”

Vice President Al Page experienced a five point drop, which Libertarian commentators have explained as due to his support of an immoral system such as government. However, experienced commentators such as George F. Will found it more likely that Page’s absence from the scene for three of the final weeks due to surgery on his overworked kidneys likely led to the crumbling of the campaign in Willinois.

Still, said Balavaster Gremlinson of The New York Times, Page’s drop could have been much greater had he not reappeared in the final week of the campaign. In his first appearance after the surgery the Vice President, lacking his signature caffeine, attended the opening of the Porcupine Race Track in Scabrous. Wearing a no-Commies flame-retardant suit and bearing a flame thrower, page threatened the racing animals and their jockeys, then the audience before deciding to find out what running a flame thrower in a car wash was like.

His 11th hour endorsement by entertainer and non-citizen Björk led to a novel dance competition between the two where both sewed themselves in burlap sacks and rolled across the Little Streeple River Bridge through blue paint.

Page received a last minute poll increase of 1 point after this episode.

Of the trailing candidates, James Randi was sceptical of his abysmal performance, emitting a curmudgeonly “I don’t believe it” when told of the results and offering $1 million for proof. Few spectators stayed behind to watch him bend spoons using slight of hand and misdirection.

Alexandra Hague remained jovial as she applied a beet-based rouge in the Willinois International Airport ladies room, which she hasn’t left since early September. “I’m really happy to be here,” the loser said “It is the safest place, because there are American agents after me.” Though neither the FBI nor the CIA would confirm that they are “after” People’s Commisar for Population Zone 1, Hauge concluded the interview by crouching ready in the corner with an AK-47 trained on the bathroom door. Despite a poor showing in Willinois, in which she received only two votes, Haugue won the Platha State Primary with an astonishing 128% of the vote; a record for any candidate thus far.

Gavin Rossdale, the Tory candidate for president, referred all questions about his trailing finish to his wife’s publicist. When pressed on the issue, he proceeded to mumble a few things about a “new album” and “green to red” before wandering off in search of “a pint.”

From here only the six leading candidates are likely to continue, though Randi did scowl when asked of his intentions to campaign in the final couple of days before the Iowa caucuses. It is still conceivable that Tarzan could pull into the top three by New Hampshire, but all eyes are still on Olive and Damage as they battle for each possible delegate to the convention. Because the race is still a close four-way, analysts expect a great upset before Über Tuesday.

No matter what the final outcome may prove to be in the primary and the ever approaching election, many pundits and commentators have noted that this is likely shaping up to be the most exciting Presidential election in four years.

News of the World Scott Birdseye

News of the World: Maine 2008

executive order

Washington D.C.- Beltway insiders are scrambling for information in the wake of President Dick Armstrong’s announcement of Executive Order 314. In a speech before a join session of Congress last Tuesday, the President declared:

“There are a myriad of dangers and incontinences still threatening our great nation. In order to make things better, I am hereby implementing Executive Order 314, which will greatly help us rectify this situation we face and steer us to a more positive outcome in regards to these things I’ve already mentioned.”

When asked about the particulars of the order, Whitehouse Press Secretary Delores Spigot stated only that “…details are irrelevant. You’re not looking at the big picture. C’mon, people.”

Info-Box-35

While many have speculated on the precise nature of the Executive Order, the text of which has yet to be declassified, a recently leaked, ominous video shows Secret Service personnel loading hundreds of croquet sets into unmarked vans. Some, such as web sleuth Mac Garvey of the www.macattac.com site, have claimed EO314 may be related to reports of bright orange A-10 Warthogs seen circling Omaha and Sheboygan. Other conspiratorial bloggers have claimed to have seen mustachioed men in monks’ robes purchasing large quantities of beach balls and blackberry passion colored lipstick at BestMart locations from Maine to Walla Walla.

Bamco spokesman Chet Hartely said, in a recent press conference “Bamco Inc., the world’s largest manufacturer of inflatable summer products has stepped up production of everyone’s favorite beach-time accessory, but we are still having trouble meeting demand due to the recent high volume purchases made by the mysterious mustachioed monk-men.”

When questioned about the strange occurrences and their possible connection to Executive Order 314, Armstrong told the assembled press corps members:

“We are helping to make America better. That is all you need to know, isn’t it? Trust me, the Order has nothing to do with any of that, especially not the new twelve-sided purple stop signs.”