Classified Ads: February 2006

World’s largest hamster. It’s fifty three feet long and lives in an airplane hangar. Once it ate a mailman. $400 or best offer.
Toby, Box 21.

Radio-cryptology kit, including rotary hammer, spelunking bib and powdered helmet mix. Perfect gift for any radio-cryptologists you know.
718-093-9312, ext. 405.

Trireme, slightly used, some oars missing. Slave rowers available for extra cost.
Talk to Bobby D. down at the office.

Robotic squirrels for use in terrarium. Should look as realistic as possible.
Ramada Inn, Treper’s Pass NV.

Two butter knives, one for butter and one for margarine. Do not mix them up. Contract is voided if you mix them up. Don’t do it.
Randolph VI of Silesia. Box 456.

Two eyebrows, brown in color. Found in alley.
Chad Colon. 747-474-7744.

One hundred and twelve complete sets of “12 Monkeys” action figures. Free broken radiator valve included.
Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London SW1.

Motorboat noise. I will come over and do my noise any time you want for only four dollars a minute.
Carrie Anne Moss. Box 121.

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World of Economics

Researchers Release New Findings

A new study conducted by the International Institute of Economics and Such has determined that there is not a high degree of correlation between US space shuttle launches and the gross domestic product of Guatemala.

The group looked specifically at the period between 1985 and 2004 and made the startling conclusion that the Guatemalan economy and the NASA mission schedules seemed to have had no influence on each other.

Incidences of space shuttle missions varied from a high of nine (in 1985) to a low of zero (in 1987). Meanwhile, the Guatemalan economy seems to be growing at a slow but steady rate.

The results can be seen in the graph below, which charts space shuttle launches by year in comparison with the GDP of Guatemala in billions of dollars. Most interesting is the fact that the graph of the shuttle launch schedules resembles a kitty cat.

Guatemala GDP

Scooter Memories, Part V

by Jeremy-Joseph Rosen
Jeremy Rosen

Javier recognized Scooter right away. A brilliant smile, like none Scooter had ever seen on him, crossed Javier’s face. A cigarette dangled from his mouth and his jacket collar was turned up.

“Scooter,” exclaimed Javier.

Some strange force overcame them and they embraced. There was plenty of smiling to go around. Some hearty pats on the back and then a long look at each other. Scooter was curious about Javier.

He asked, “Where have you been?”

Javier laughed.

“Let’s go grab some coffee.”

So Scooter piled into Javier’s car and they were off. The drive was long and curiously quiet. Javier asked Scooter if there was a good shop they could go to and before he could think about the answer, Kalisotta Koffee Klatch was the place that spilled from his mouth.

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Ask Montezuma: February 2006

Answers from the Dead

Montezuma II

Montezuma is currently serving twenty to life in Shawshank Prison for his involvement in thousands of premeditated human sacrfices.

Dear Montezuma,Does the 707 eat its young?
Ernestine Kovax
Tempe, Arizona

Ms. Kovax,
The Boeing 707, 707-120, 707-220, 707-320, 707-420 and 707-020 (known respectively as the 707, Dash 120, Dash 220, Dash 320, Dash 420 and Gwendolyn internally in Boeing) all reproduce through a budding process similar to that of the cnidarian Hydra. A rough patch forms on the undercarriage of these 707 variants, eventually growing into a hardened cyst. Once this cyst is weighty enough, the bud separates from the parent 707. The 707-700 reproduces through a hazardous sexual process nearly identical to that of various species of mantid, whereby the female 707-700 detaches and digests the engine nacelles of the male 707-700.

Dear Montezuma,
Recently I watched a TV documentary which stated that rocker Liz Phair had been replaced by a robot. Can this be true? Surely a performer of her renown and stature could not be taken away and replaced by machinery without raising the collective eyebrows of the citizenry.
Yours Truly,
Isaac Amizov
Tuscaloosa, Alabama

Dear Mrs. Amizov,
Robots are dear, close friends of mine and I do not appreciate your levying of such accusations upon them. You create a vast onus of guilt and conspiracy about your person for even spreading such a rumour. I sent a request for comment from Ms. Phair’s manager, Scott McGee. Mr. McGee, a fine M-GR387 robot of long good-standing was incensed by such comparison. “Robots,” he said, “are a vital part of any society and as, in part, progenitors of the Shintoist philosophy, deserve better treatment.” While Ms. Phair is a fine musician, impugning the reputations of countless automata through comparison with this organic vixen of the stage is wholly inappropriate and at most close to genocide of reputation. You, madam, are never to appear in this column again. As you may already know, I have had you let go from your employer and have had you blacklisted in your community. Good day!

Dear Montezuma,
Why is it that my door hinges always taste like limes?
Avian Radger
East Katharinetowne, West Dakota

M. Radger,
Have you been playing the ivory and ebony, the great dark mistress of the phonorecord, the piano? It was discovered by Dr. Thurston Pore of Oxford in 1957 that piano performance often led to the taste of limes being conferred upon various objects which were tasted by the test subjects. While his research was good, Dr. Pore came to some rather…unorthodox conclusions including: magic, space men, psychic porpoise communication and piano/lime evolution from a common ancestor.


Dear Montezuma,
When I vacuum the carpets it always seems to scare my cats; Tabbins and Luke, who hear the vacuum and immediately scurry for cover under the nearest bed. My cats; Tabbins and Luke, also seem to be afraid of small children. The arrival of our two nephews, Gregory and Simon, always seems to evoke the same reaction. How can I get these cats to calm the heck down?
Mark Morone
The Bronx, New York

Mr. Mark Morone,
Gregory and Simon must, at all costs, study anthropology when they attend university. They must also be trained in DOS programming of computers. Finally, they should know how to properly dice an onion. Onions give a greater understanding of DOS programming because DOS is a system of many layers, much like an onion. DOS is related to anthropology because man invented DOS and anthropology is the study of men. Furthermore, Gregory and Simon are fine Biblical names.

Dear Montezuma,
What is the deal with the Globosphere? Is there any truth to the rumors? Just curious.
Mike Harrington
Ballroom Station, Florida.

Mike Harrington,
Are you THE Mike Harrington? I cannot believe you have written me! The only man to receive 17 medals of valour from over 12 countries is writing to me for advice. I’m flabbergasted, without words, cat’s got my tongue, &c. Your actions in Equatorial Guiana alone are worthy of mention. Accolades should be heaped upon you for the steely demeanour you showed in Laos. And thatescapade in the kitchen of a New York City seafood restaurant is without compare. You, of all people, write to me for advice? I have neverbeen so honoured. Truly you are a man without compare. As the Germanic peoples would say, mein Gott! The William Howard Taft of Haiti deigns to put pen to paper and contact this humble slave of advice. Hope that helps. – M.

Dear Montezuma,
There is a patient in my hospital who has a fever of 99 degrees, and also a rash on his left elbow. He seems otherwise healthy, but does feel some numbness in his fingers after we administer 20ccs of NSAIDs. His home is near a railroad and his mother collects exotic plants. Do you think he has flu? Prader Willi Syndrome? Hemophagocytic virus? Or is it just a sprained ankle. Please help soon, he has only twenty hours before the seizures and internal bleeding kill him.
Dr. Gregory Domicile.
Monmouth, New Jersey

Dr. Domicile,
What you will need are 30cc of blood from former dictator Idi Amin, 40 barrels of okra, one chicken wing, 40 pence and one cat in heat. Mix ingredients in an ice cube tray and heat to 130 degrees Kelvin. Take to Flanders. Entomb mixture in peat moss for 26 days. Use a calendar to keep track of the days involved in this test. Apply one marine and two meerkats. Stir, then shake. Go back to patient to see if he still lives. If so, he is not dead.

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