How to Tell if Your Hooker is a Russian Spy


All of us, from the lowly brick-layer to the haughtiest Rothschild enjoy the company of a lady-of-the-evening from time to time. There’s nothing quite like the comfort and security you find in the warm embrace of a stranger’s bosom or in the warm clinch of a stranger’s bulbocavernosis muscles.

But did you know that there can be a danger in bedding down for a night of sweet, sweet, forbidden pleasure with a comely prostitute? It’s true. Little do most men realize that their lovely companions may in fact be Russian spies sent to undermine our Nation, our Liberty and our wonderful Public Library System. There a few ways of telling if your lady is a Russian spy, we’ve outlined them below. Print this out and place it in your wallet, next to the stack of twenties you use to pay, and be sure to check it the next time you bed down for a night of “nuns and novices.”

  • When in the thrall of pleasure does she cry out “Oh, Lenin” instead of “Oh, God.” If so she’s probably communist. All communists reject God and His mercy, choosing instead the sinful path of revolution by the industrial proletariat.
  • At the time of payment, does your lady often roll her eyes when you hand her the cash, perhaps even stating that “Money is the means by which the bourgeoisie oppress the workers and maintain their oppressive control over the means of production?”
  • As you attempt to place your penis in her vaginal cavity does she tense and mutter strange and incomprehensible phrases like “In a higher phase of communist society… only then can the narrow horizon of bourgeois right be fully left behind and society inscribe on its banners: from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.” If so, she’s probably a spy.
  • Does she try to borrow your library card or attempt to sneak into the library during regular business hours? If so she probably doesn’t know that our wonderful Public Libraries are open to the public during normal business hours. Unlike in Russia, you don’t need a special pass to read books.
  • When you say a phrase like “The more the division of labor and the application of machinery extend, the more does competition extend among the workers, the more do their wages shrink together” does she heartily agree, nodding feverishly?
  • Between bouts of performing fellatio, as she pauses to draw breath, does she ask you about the functioning of the Dewey Decimal System and how information can be obtained from the American Public Library System? Only Communists and Russian spies would need to ask. All patriotic Americans already know about the Dewey Decimal System.
  • Should you ask her if kinky stuff is appropriate, such as bondage play, does she refer to the sub as the Proletariat and the dom as the Bourgeoisie?
  • After washing your private parts in the bathroom, do you return to the hotel room and find her trying to forge a copy of your library card using a sophisticated mini-camera concealed within an ordinary looking lipstick tube? Then she could be a spy.

It’s best that all able bodied American men be on the lookout for Russian hookers attempting to subvert the American Public Library System. Without vigilance, Russian spies will undermine the United States by sneaking into our Public Libraries, mixing fiction and non-fiction books, putting books on shelves out of order or by checking out books without returning them. We must protect our libraries and our American way of life. God speed.