Zoos The Ticking Time Bomb

It is important for people of all ages to understand biology. After all, people are animals. For this reason, zoological gardens, otherwise known as zoos or wildlife parks can be found lurking within the depths of many of the world’s urban areas. There, near our schools, hospitals and churches, zoos bide their time, waiting silently to unleash a furry fury upon humanity. Zoos are a powder keg waiting to be ignited. Zoos are a ticking time bomb poised to destroy us all in a bloody orgy of claws, teeth, talons and fangs.

Perhaps you have been to a zoo and seen the variety of animals: cuddly koalas, cute little lemurs, majestic gorillas, and even regal lions. And perhaps you also spied the zookeepers, who, for some reason, wear safari-style khaki uniforms and hats. The zookeepers are the key to this impending catastrophe. Who cares for the menagerie? Who feeds the animals, cleans their enclosures and heals their wounds? That’s right. Zookeepers.

Without the zookeepers (The thin brown line) the zoos would be in chaos. Hungry tigers would greedily eat babies while nearby hyenas would fight over the carcasses of school field trip groups. In the dark corner, a content little monkey would lap up the pools of fresh crimson blood collecting around a dead grandmother whose face had been pecked apart and devoured by blue plumaged macaws.

By night the animals would escape their confines and stealthily invade our cities. Glowing eyes would be all the warning a sales executive would get before being ripped to sanguine shreds by a pack of vicious wolves. Venomous snakes would fly, via centrifugal force, from moving ceiling fans in suburban homes and sink their fangs into the faces of horrid, screaming housewives. After mastering the use of screwdrivers, chimpanzees would remove our doors, kill us in our sleep or cut the brakes on our city buses. Elephants would trample the elderly to death, crunching rib cages like potato chips and giraffes would bite flying kites out of the air and spit them back as children ran away crying. Society would collapse and hippopotamuses would eat our heads.

As you can now clearly see, we need two things if we’re to avoid this calamity:
1. Back up zookeepers, in case the regular zookeepers are sick or unable to work for some reason.
2. Secure locks on animal enclosures.

So, write your legislators and tell them that you do not want to be mauled by a zebra. Tell them America needs backup zookeepers and locks on the animal enclosures, lest we be destroyed. Thank you.

An Editorialization

From the Desk of Alan Guthman

Alan Guthman is known the world over for his
constant and unwavering activism. He is President
of the Global Conservation Group and also serves
on the Daniel Bester Inc. Board of Directors as
Special Advisor on Environmental Affairs. As the
founder of ASSHAT (Americans and Saskatchewanese
Stopping Hate and Tactlessness) he speaks at
colleges and universities all over the lecture circuit
to raise money for his various hippy ass liberal causes.

As far as I’m concerned, puffins are the coolest animal out there. Wombats come in second and marmosets are third. Lions are number four and ocelots round it out at number five. Animals are super cool. See ya later.