Classified Ads: January 2006

Hibernian buffalo of undetermined gender with brown fur and sunny disposition. Must enjoy tin cans and axle grease on Sundays and be able to calculate the angular momentum of Mars-sized bodies throughout the Solar System. Call Terry: 223-8407

Half a high hat cymbal. No refunds, no warranty. Reginald box 573874

50 kazoos for marching band. Must own own kazoo. No kazoo will be provided!
Wilma Selmerensonson 432 Pattern Blvd. West Moronia, CT 09323

Half-rotten Dutch settler. Comes with own fungus and shovel. No cufflinks, only one testicle. Please provide evidence of good home and proper storage facility to Sandy Parkinson, age 47, Lookumpin, PT

Remember New Orleans? I don’t much either. That’s why I’ve created this origami version of the fabled jazz city. Resembles Chicago more than The Big Easy, but only to trained eye. $40 or best offer. Barry Nagin 2 W. 2nd St. Twosville, NH

An amen. Can I get an amen?

Continue reading

Fifty Reasons to Abandon Pine


1. Pine hates you and everything you stand for.
2. It never helps take out the trash.
3. That pine smell reminds you of cleaning.
4. Those stupid home improvement shows love it.
5. It’s not wicker.
6. Pine is lazy.
7. The Fascists used pine. Do you want to be a fascist?
8. The pine industry supports corrupt politicians in Katharinetowne, WD.
9. Good backpacks cannot be made from pine.
10. Your parents’ marriage broke up because of it.
11. Try exchanging pine for goods and services. Just try it.
12. It destabilizes the trade balance between Togo and Colombia, leading to a prolonged, trans-oceanic conflict scarring that pristine continent of Africa.
13. The lower specific heat of pine results in more fires.
14. You don’t see the Chinese using pine.
15. Pine endorsed Dewey for President of the United States of America
16. Merv Griffin enterprises has never used pine.
17. It makes for a disappointing conversational partner.
18. Heroin addicts.
19. Face it, you just hate pine.
20. Has a lot of net carbs.
21. Lots of people were lynched on pine trees.
22. Pine never brings beer when it visits.
23. It tastes like dead babies.
24. Pine suppressed the success of The Last Starfighter.
25. You can thank pine for women’s lib.
26. Never was any good at playing second base. Never.
27. Remember the Vietnam War?
28. Pine sap doesn’t cure cancer.
29. Pine needles can only be woven into substandard baskets.
30. Pine trees make fun of your dead mother.
31. Pine has yet to produce a single pop-punk album.
32. GI Joe never needed pine to defeat the forces of Cobra.
33. Meg Ryan has often spoken out against pine trees.
34. Wood from pine is much heavier than balsa.
35. In no way will pine ever help you win at the game of Clue.
36. Germs destroyed the Martians and their tripods; pine never did a damn thing.
37. Pine is never mentioned in the Odyssey.
38. Though they are roughly the same shape, pinecones are not as useful as grenades.
39. The Beejees liked everything about pine.
40. Walt Dinsey never created a movie with anthropomorphic pine trees.
41. Pine makes your stomach flabby.
42. Pine isn’t anywhere as interesting as hot goth chicks.
43. When Drew Barrymore was seven years old, it was a pine tree that first offered her cocaine.
44. There has yet to be a single good ska song written about pine.
45. A pine tree once murdered a guy.
46. Pine ditched its girlfriend at prom.
47. A pine tree framed Rodger Rabbit.
48. Vikings hated pine.
49. Pine trees don’t have arms, so they can’t even wear vests.
50. Every time I’m hit in the face with a board, it’s always a pine board.

The Porcelain Coffin

A Cautionary Tale

by Hack “Sawtooth” Fixspear
As transcribed by Llewellyn Absalom

Now, everbody knows that the turlet is the most dangerous room ever invented.


You got that there suction thang with a handle. Don’t try sittin’ on it. On the floor there’s tile. I know it looks damn tasty, but eatin’ such is a bad idea. Some people are afeared of the plastic hangin’ across the shower, but don’t fret. There ain’t no bogey men or nothin’ behind that thing.

What I wanna speculate upon today is the shower. Saunter into any of them bathroom fixture places and ask a guy with a name tag about showers. You gotta really ask, though, otherwise you just get some hogwash about the flowin’ capacity and chrome fixtures. Buy the guy a beer and he’ll really start chatterin’. Stories, tons of stories, start pourin’ out about fellers who made that shower their final restin’ place. That’s why, in the Industry, it’s called the Porcelain Coffin.
Continue reading

Scooter Memories IV

An Ongoing Continuing Serialized Narrative

by Jeremy-Joseph Rosen

jeremy rosen

And there in a flash was Javier. Not the Javier he had known. No trowel-wielding child was he. In the three seconds during which Scooter saw Javier flash by, he knew exactly who the man in the bright red Yugo was. Older, more withdraw than he had been as a child, but it was Javier.

The car was parked in a lot adjoining the station Scooter’s express train had just shot through. In an instant Scooter came to life. The train would be making a stop at the next station down and he would get off, grab a train going the other direction and find Javier.
Since he had burned down the corn stalk, no one had seen him. There one day, not there that same day. While he may have disappeared, Javier’s influence lasted considerably longer.

One year after discovering the growing palm tree in the South grove, Scooter had noticed another odd thing. He had passed by it once or twice, but this time he really noticed. The experimental lemon bush. The lemons had changed to limes!
Continue reading