Monthly Archives: January 2007

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Scott Birdseye Sticker Page

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Classifieds Jeremy Rosen

Classifieds: Pentember 2007

FOR SALE
One coupon entitling bearer to a free back rub. £5.00 or best offer. Backrub is from a Ukrainian. Employee Skaggs, Box 201.

FOR SALE
Seven ideas I had relating to Leprechauns and Leprechaun society. I did have a really interesting idea about drill bits used in Leprechaun industry, but that one’s not for sale. $10.00 for each idea. Includes certificate and Leprechaun idea placard. Jasonina, Room 4, Dalton House, Chasdael, SA1- YU4.

WANTED
Giant, solid chocolate animal for use in my exciting plan to depress global chocolate markets. Ernie Steven Bloomfield, Secret Cave #3.

FOR SALE
Three lorry loads of Size 01 standard metric paper clips. Free rabid badger included. £500.00. Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London SW1.

WANTED
Hats of the Tudor monarchs; Henry VII, Henry VIII, Edward IV, Mary the Catholic or Elizabeth I. Will pay top dollar or trade for raspberry flavored lip gloss. Hiem Yeat Gu, Box 8281.

FOR SALE
Pineapple upside down cake. It wasn’t supposed to be upside down and I don’t want it anymore. Kelly MacInnis, box 3482.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Master criminal needed to rob banks in Europe. Must have brown hair, enjoy scuba diving and drive in a car with a red, white and green flag on it. Contact Carmen, currently residing in a country that begins with the letter S.

WANTED
1/24 scale model of B-17 Super-fortress bomber. Must be fully assembled, Revell version from 1987- 1988, fully painted. Will pay up to seven dollars. Range Mitke, Calgary, CC.

FOR SALE
Pie server. Highly used, rusted through in several areas. Handle broken in several places, loosely held together with scotch tape. $73.00 or best offer. Alfonso, #402, Hepspring, MV.

FOR SALE
Diorama on my series of “Caddyshack” fan-fiction short stories. A must for any collector of seriously off-beat dioramas. Debbie R. Placling, 772-282-2821, call before 2 am.

FOR RENT
Glass mason jar. Contents include vinegar, salt, water, peppercorns, garlic and small cucumbers. Comes with label and screw-on top. $16 per week. Morton Feldman, corner of 8th St. and University Pl.

WANTED
Pair of corduroy panties. Corduroy must be on the inside. Mary Margaret, Beautiful Downtown Augusta, Georgia.

FOR SALE
Tired of rainy weather? We’ve got a slightly-used high pressure front waiting for a loving home. Comes with vinyl carrying case. Sam and Linda P. Chase, 771-325- 9696 extension 52.

SEEKING
Sexy brunette with curly hair and great flanks. Preference for tennis balls preferred. Must be Springer Spaniel. No other type of spaniel wanted. Especially not Cavalier King Charles Spaniels. eleanor@yahoo.com

POSITION AVAILABLE
Albanian accountant needed to hit bread with a hammer. Two hammers on Tuesdays. We call it “Two Hammer Tuesdays.” $5.80 an hour, plus access to water fountain. Wally’s Weasel World, Winter, WL.

FOR SALE
Gas-powered carrot peeler for $7.99. Optional aluminum peel bowl available for an additional $53.99. Martina Combine, Left Mule, PL.

WANTED
Friends to whom I can tell humorous anecdotes at my next salon. Also some experiences to tell those friends about. And, also, a home in which to hold my salon. Will pay •235. Please include a definition of a salon. Harvey Mulcahy at The Ranch Bar & Grill, table 15.

FOR SALE
Red velvet pool table. Fifteen 5 balls included. Tony Calabash, box 3

Fifty Things Scott Birdseye

Fifty Interesting Things About Elizabethia

  1. The Rorschach Pop-Up Book
  2. St. Mertel’s nuclear-powered wind mill.
  3. Native Tim Wright was the first man to dispute the fact that Saturn has rings.
  4. Famed Lithuanian explorer Herich Lembrul was born there (yes, he’s from Splatonville).
  5. Quasi-immortality serum.
  6. Pornstar Moishe Lembelbach is an Elizabethian.
  7. The ratio of stuff to things in Elizabethia is exactly ?.
  8. Clitoral enhancement surgery was pioneered in Elizabethia.
  9. Sturdy, particle-board chairs.
  10. The nation’s only statute on polyamorous inheritance.
  11. Plastic, imitation, non-functional corn-cob pipes.
  12. High-speed wireless salamander communication.
  13. The top-selling Barenaked Ladies Live at Shermer’s Hardware Store was recorded live at Shermer’s Hardware Store in Macormick.
  14. America’s largest strip mall is located along all 75 miles of Elizabethia State Highway 5.
  15. The Patunxet Meteorite Crater is, at 1 meter wide, the state’s largest crater.
  16. John Quincy Adams’ conception place, also the state’s oldest pub.
  17. The Northeast’s only 1:1 human body exhibit: Elbert Jenkins.
  18. The Elizabethia Governor’s Mansion is the only Governor’s Mansion made entirely from maple and oatmeal.
  19. Owensville’s Amputee Emporium.
  20. Elizabethia has the highest concentration of benches per capita in the world at 423 per person.
  21. Radiohead lead singer Thom Yorke performed more shows in Elizabethia on his solo tour than in any other geographic area recognized by the U.S. Census Bureau.
  22. The International Framing Olympics is held throughout the state every five years.
  23. Elizabethia is in the top six states by riding lawnmower ownership.
  24. World’s third oldest umbrella testing area outside Hommetsboro.
  25. Famous Wade’s sells bottle rockets two for a penny.
  26. The “Slow, Children at Play” sign was first introduced on Mayfair St. (also in Splatonville).
  27. Blackbeard’s beard comb can be viewed at the Maritime Museum (currently on tour).
  28. The state’s lowest point is underwater.
  29. Though fictional Mayberry was set in the neighboring state of North Carolina, the gas pumps from Gomer’s were imported from Elizabethia.
  30. The character of The T-1000 was based on former Elizabethian governor Diamond “Diamond Mitch” German.
  31. Pocket shrews are such a nuisance for Elizabethian farmers that the branded rattler was introduced to keep them in check. It failed.
  32. Though the four-pronged electrical outlet failed to catch on, they’re still used in 24% of Raffeyville homes.
  33. Abbotstown features the only shark-themed bowling alley on the entire Eastern Seaboard.
  34. The X-Files episode “Bump in the Night” featured Elizabethia resident Betty Hargrove in the key role of “Patient #3.”
  35. Instead of using the words “perhaps” or “maybe,” locals tend to say “may’hap.” This may startle many visitors.
  36. Until 1981 Elizabethians had a series of fourteen different positions for mailbox flags, allowing for greater communication than the standard binary system popular throughout the country.
  37. Ghender is known throughout the South East as the “Blind Date Capital of the South East.”
  38. On his way to Mexico City, the exiled Trotsky had a brief lay-over in Elizabethia, where he ironically purchased several icepicks.
  39. The Ummer Pantworks in Fester produces more pleats in one day than Europe produces in eight years.
  40. Triften is the only city in America that does not fall under any designated ZIP code.
  41. Thompson Elementary School is celebrated as the “Home of Homework.”
  42. Brandenburg, EL’s gate is rather different from its German counterpart.
  43. Elizabethian lobsters tend to be, on average, slightly bluer than those from Maine.
  44. The excellent 230 area code.
  45. In 1995 the state ban on ADP was lifted, finally allowing for cellular respiration.
  46. The Braynard Family Restaurant serves seven kinds of custard.
  47. Catatawa River Site manufactures Uranium PU-36 for use in space modulators.
  48. Milk is taxed at an astounding rate of three hours of community service per gallon.
  49. Deep, deep spoons for maximum soup intake.
  50. Elizabethia is nice.

Jeremy Rosen

Blast From the Previous

Blast From the Previous

“There is a Great Amount of Traffic Upon the Republic’s Road-Paths”
An Essay of a Humorous Nature By R.G.H.L. Sneed, Bovineuticist and Farmer

One of my cows threw a shoe on the day previous to yester’s day. For indeed, I am the sort of person who shods their cattle. Elsewise the cows would get their feet wet. This would force the payment of a doctor’s fortune in bills for drying out cow socks as it is wet in their pastures. Why, it’s quite possibly as bad as what the farmwomen give term to as “blasted bladder” when the milking be not done on time.

When one of my cows, a fine one I call “the Sunday after next’s beef-steak,” threw her shoe it forced me to board my carriage so that I might venture to the county-seat to make purchase of a new shoe and have several rotted teeth pulled from my head at the same time, for it is convenient to do so. Of course, I would have to stop at the public house before that as they provide better distilments for pain soothment than does the smith.

After hitching up my horses, Buttercup and Horse, I headed up the main road toward the highway for a furlong and a half before I turned about upon the realization that I left my cow at home, having forgotten it. A bit again I set off, this time with the cow hitched to the carriage, so to save my horses the wear. Take the horse to town as often as the knife to whetstone, I always say.

Thus I again wended my way through a furlong and a half. Then wending I did pass another quarter league, passing quickly by Mrs. Transom’s ill-reputed establishment for fear of my immortal soul, before I was set upon by scabrous abomination. No, it was not the Devil, nor was it an uneasily dismissed tinkerer.

Instead it was that thing belched forth by the former and indubitably worked upon by the latter: a horseless carriage. The machine perambulated about like a locomotive off of its laid track. As a locomotive that had had a glass too much of sherry. If you follow my manner of speaking.

Behind its vomitous of fume and bilious miasma I traveled for at least fourteen stones’ throws and a ha’mile more as some birds may choose to flit through the sky, until finally it turned onto the road toward Savannah. Here I stopped my journey by the Culpepper’s scarecrow and said a short prayer that the Good Lord protect the people of Savannah from that horrid device which was ever-thwartling toward them. The scarecrow gave appearance to agree with me.

Why would man, forged from some very hard substance in the image of his Creatitian, choose such immoral travesty over a standard carriage? I need not remind you, as my little wife Penny Smetters Sneed (wise yet for her 16 years) pointed out, that Christ rode an ass into Jerusalem though it was within God’s mighty strength to call forth a horseless carriage if He had so desired. This was not the case, and it makes me glad, for I would shudder to see a stained-glass representation of Our Lord bedecked in a rider’s apron and goggles.

Perhaps some gentlemen enjoy kerosene powered contraptions; the motor-coach or the motor-kite. Next that Mr. Edison will attempt to invent a motor-table or a motor-chair; perhaps even a motorized rabbit which moves across one’s estate eating the grass.

Mind you, of course, some think this new Era need be about movement. Movement in steam-driven ships, movement in aero-plane-craft, movement in motorized carriages. To me, the whole thing, and I must remind literate ladies to read no more of this particular sentence, reminds me of a different sort of movement, one made in the privacy of an outing house.

Whatever some gentlemen may feel as progress, I see as another sort of fancy; a foolish, frivolous fancy that weakens the mind and constitution. Humbug, pure humbug. Excepting, of course, that I did exchange my unshod cow for a mechanical cow; it runs on kerosene. By Jove, when in Rome, do as the Romans do, they say. Good day now.

From Axes & Alleys: Volume 112-AA3, Issue 06, Pentember 1907 A.D.
Blast from the Previous