Classifieds: Clauduary 2006

My three favorite staplers. I named them Grey Ghost, Chomper and Ol’ Rusty. All are in good condition, except for Ol’ Rusty who is slightly rusty.
Bill Williams, Billiam, MN.

The letter “J.” It seems as though we actually patented this letter in 1624 and are now interested in selling it to a government or major corporation. The royalties alone are worth billions. Jacombe and Morley Printing Co. Sheffield, England UK.

Neckties in sloth sizes. Available for three or two toed varieties. Lots of fun styles to choose from. All are $4.00. Sloth Tie Company, Route 1, Madagascar City.

Necklace made of robin heads. Preferably fresh. Will pay $2 per robin head. Males only as they have more colourful plumage on their detached heads. Monica Travis, Box 022.

World peace, plentiful food for all, an end to disease and three Detroit Redwing uniforms with helmets. Jasper Johnson, Martinmas Island.

One truck load of noncompressed air. Once breathed by Mel Brooks and other celebrities. 1000 rupees per day, plus expenses. Medelson Air Providers. 54-3843-4844-38. Ext. 01. Ask for the air thing. They’ll know what you’re talking about.

My virginity. I’m pretty sure it was behind the sofa, but I seem to have misplaced it after having sex with Tony at that party. Lucy Thompson, Brassdale, AL.

Are freedom.

1003 life size busts of Bollywood film editors. Free slightly chewed pen cap included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London, SW1. UK

Sexy male neighbors of all shapes, sizes, colors and creeds. Must be sexy and male of any persuasion. I cannot emphasize the point enough. I’m tired of looking at my flabby males, I would like some nice ones around for once. Natalie Broadnax Ovaltine, NC

Door knobbler needed to knobble doors. Knobs Inc. 483-39832-884.

Poorly-functioning area in our power grid. Broken feeder lines and melted above-ground cabling abound. Yours for a pittance! Consolidated Edison, New York, NY

Peg leg. I just lost my other leg and don’t need it at this time. $55 per month. Polish included. Ramsay K. Peetingworth, W. Nomaha, NB

Ustrasana yoga position. Lascivious thoughts sold separately. Will offer deal on pair. Ann Pizer Brooklyn, NY

Apple. It is a new hybrid of Granny Smith and crab. I call it the Grancrabble (TM). It’s got a rather awful taste. Everyone who eats one immediately complains. Five for a dollar. Ghengis Torkum, Box 8382.

Fifty Reasons Why God Put Us On This Earth

1. There weren’t any other available accommodations.
2. To look funny in clown shoes.
3. Angry faces.
4. The pleasure of seeing hippies beaten.
5. To trip over nothing and look indignant.
6. All the bad poetry…well…all the poetry.
7. Because He could.
8. What else goes with a fez and a go-kart?
9. Same reason as alpacas.
10. So He could watch us get fat, pasty and bald.
11. So we could ride across from cute people on the train.
12. The Gold Standard.
13. So we could abuse our bodies by smoking a joint and a cigarette simultaneously while eating a bucket of fried chicken, drinking a fifth of Jack and receiving oral sex from a prostitute.
14. So there would be someone to see all the human faces in everything.
15. One word: velocipede.
16. Balloon races.
17. Agriculture. No, really, He loves looking down at all the irrigation ditches, dividing lines and rows of corn.
18. To pray for victory in the next ping pong match.
19. Shoestring potatoes in a can.
20. Someone was needed to come up with better ways of killing than simply biting the heck out of another creature or surrounding it whole with pseudopodia.
21. Daniel Bester.
22. He just couldn’t wait to get to the square dancing.
23. It’s funny when spiders scare us.
24. Imagining book-reading insects because of the confusion wrought by the words entomology and etymology.
25. The all-you-can-eat buffet.
26. To figure out how coconuts got here.
27. Two words: New York
28: Lists of things.
29. Because the earlier experiments wherein God put us on Mars were terrible failures, but will eventually result in puzzling exo-archeological finds.
30. Someone had to invent the whoopee cushion and you know squirrels wouldn’t have ever gotten around to it.
31. Food for tigers.
32. Because dogs couldn’t play fetch otherwise.
33. So someone could really appreciate pomegranates
34. To herd goats.
35. To dangle string in front of cats.
36. Because we would eventually name a body of water Lake Titicaca.
37. A universe without Bruce Vilanch would have been just pointless.
38. Only we know how to make Kool-Aid®.
39. From Russia, with Love wouldn’t have been nearly as good if the key roles had been played by watermelons.
40. We were the only ones who could be counted on to identify the Noble Gasses.
41. Rubber band balls.
42. To figure out the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and several things.
43. Languages with clicks (!).
44. To make beetles look even cooler as a species.
45. Tacos! Tacos! Tacos!
46. Musical theater needed to be properly hated.
47. To show dolphins how it’s done.
48. The manufacture of squeaking things.
49. So we could kill that bastard JFK.
50. Because He felt like it, damn it.