Though worshipped, praised and adored throughout the world, the God has always been a controversial figure. Partly this is due to the rigid attitudes of his followers, but also it is a simple truth that the job of God is probably one of the most difficult in the universe. It is perhaps telling that of the men who have held the position over the past 6,000 years, only one has ever sought reelection. So let us take a look at these men who, for all their foibles, flaws and brilliance, have helped shaped our history.

Elohim Cobb
(4005 BC-4003BC)
After winning a landslide election against Archangel Lucifer Barnes, Cobb ushered his creation or “Great Universe” policy through the Councils of Seraphim, promising “A clockwork Universe of remarkable beauty, full of every type of living thing, dwelling in harmony for the ages.” Though praised for his brilliantly intelligent biological designs and expert fine tuning of the physical constants, Cobb soon found his career ruined by the The Fall scandal and quickly resigned his office.

Yahweh “Pappa” Donnelly
(4002 BC-1906 BC)
Promising “Law and Order” after the failed Cobb Administration, Donnelly expelled the humans from Paradise and signed the still controversial Death and Suffering Acts. After the humans still failed to fall in line with administration policy, Donnelly declared Executive Order 21 which flooded the entire Earth, killing millions and championed the Human Dispersal Act after the building of the Tower of Babel. When critics decried that Donnelly’s policies were “too broad and heavy handed” he selected Abraham of Ur to found a Chosen People who would act as his ambassadors to Earth. Slow to reform, Donnelly returned to his heavy-handiness and the subsequent Sodom and Gomorrah scandal doomed his administration.

Adonai Brown
(1907 BC-1180BC)
Promising moderation in his policy toward the humans, Brown won a narrow victory against Donnelly and in his inaugural address pledged to avoid violence, punishments and destruction. Initially, his policies proved popular, but when the Chosen People ended up enslaved by the Egyptians, his poll numbers plummeted. Though Brown continued to watch over the Hebrews, many in Heaven worried that he would leave them in perpetual slavery.

Yahweh “Pappa” Donnelly
(1179 BC-586 BC)
With the Chosen People in captivity, the angels reelected Donnelly whose campaign had consistently attacked the Cobb Administration for “failing to provide for God’s Chosen People.” After a landslide victory, Donnelly chose Moses as his new prophet and quickly got to work bringing plagues and destruction upon Egypt. Denouncing Cobb’s complacency, Donnelly pushed through The Commandments Act and the Mitzvah Proclamations which placed the Chosen People under a rigid set of statutes and demanded death for any disobedience. After ordering conquest and genocide, Donnelly set up a kingdom for his Chosen People, but plummeted in popularity after The Chosen People suffered a devastating loss in their war against Babylon.

Charles Hashem
(585 BC-7BC)
Hashem appealed to moderate angels who had grown weary of Donnelly’s jealous, angry and vengeful behavior toward humanity. Elected on a non-interference policy, Hashem gained high approval early in his tenure by providing his chosen prophet Daniel with cryptic, rather than specific instructions. His popularity buoyed by Daniel’s work in Babylon, the restoration of the Chosen People to their old lands and the rebuilding of the temple, Hashem continued his policy of cryptic communication. Believing that humans had been led astray by Donnelly’s strict and specific guidelines, Hashem gave his prophets such as Daniel and later Isaiah, only confusing, confounding and mystic messages.

Jesus Jackson
(8 BC-32AD)
Jackson was elected on the basis of his bold and innovative strategy to cease Heaven-based operations in favor of living with the humans and dealing with them directly. While he had some initial success and his messages of love, understanding and forgiveness were popular, he resigned as God soon after his brutal execution at the hands of the humans. Returning to Heaven, he vowed to rework his policies and plan for a future reelection campaign.

Thomas Lamb
(33AD – 620AD)
After a narrow election against Jackson’s Vice-God, Archibald “Holy Spirit” Gnosis, Lamb returned operations to Heaven and finally cut ties with the Chosen People, choosing instead to create a new Papal-run Church as Heaven’s earthly ambassador. Veering away from his predecessors’ focus on the Chosen People, Lamb instead sought to reach out to all the people of Earth, but his Unification policy ran aground following the collapse of his chosen vehicle; the Roman Empire.

Allah Stevenson
(621AD – 1099AD)
Campaigning heavily against Lamb’s bureaucratic Roman Church policies, Stevenson was elected in a landslide on his “One God, One Prophet” platform. Upon election, Stevenson chose a new earthly embassador, Muhammed of Arabia and set about dictating a neovel Revelation to humanity in The Qu’ran. The popular book and its message helped bring about a renewed interest in Monotheism and soon spread throughout the known world. Critics of the Stevenson admistration protested that his One God policies were dividing the humans, an accusation which proved fatal to Stevenson’s position when the Lamb-based Roman Catholics began a holy war against Stevenson’s Muslim’s.

Richard Deity
(1100AD-1517AD)
With the human followers on Earth divided and engaged in cruel and ceaseless warfare against each other, the Deity campaign promised to unite humanity with “New Challenges for a New Day.” Deity’s theory was that by introducing new ideas and events, humanity would put aside their differences and be forced to unite to overcome the novel tests. When the creation of Vinland failed to catch on, Deity followed with the creation of two completely new Continents, but the “New World” program only increased the bloodshed. Deity’s other major challenge “The Black Death,” was a complete disaster which failed to unite humanity and instead simply left millions dead. When confronted with a further splintering of the human followers in 1517, Deity resigned, though his New World has proved a popular innovation.

Yahweh “Junior” Donnelly, Jr.
(1518AD – 1654 AD)
As the Catholic Church began to splinter, many in Heaven felt that previous Gods had been too lenient with the humans and too divided in their messages. Like his father, Donnelly, Jr. was a firm believer in a tough, no-nonsense Law and Order policy. As soon as he took office, Donnelly Jr. followed in his father’s footsteps by ordering the Catholic Church to unite the human followers by any means necessary; including torture, burnings, massacres and wars. Though Donnelly’s heavy-handed approach appealed to many human groups, in the end his policies failed to unite humanity and instead led only to a century and a half of war, cruelty and death. When, after three decades of brutal war, the Catholics had still failed to unite even Europe under one religious rule, Donnelly Jr., was forced to resign.

(1655AD – 1916AD)
Marcus Bailey Lord
A long-time protégé of creator Elohim Cobb, Lord came into office after vowing to work with humanity by encouraging exploration, engineering advancements, and scientific and medical discoveries. By weakening both the Catholic and Muslim camps, the Lord Administration hoped that the new, secular states would, through humanistic reason, achieve greater things than the divided religious empires championed by past administrations. While many angels praised his New Universe policies (including the Infinite Cosmos Act, the Atomic Act and the Cell Act), Lord’s popularity plummeted in 1914 when critics pointed out that all the new scientific achievements had led only to the creation of more destructive machines of death and weapons of war.

(1917AD – Present)
Ian Gott
Claiming that “humanity is the problem,” Gott was elected in a landslide victory with over 94% of the Archangel College. Gott’s Non-Interference Plan called for a complete lack of contact between Heaven and Earth, including a moratorium on revelations, miracles and divine inspiration. Though criticized for allowing some of the worst warfare and genocide in human history, Gott continues to maintain that humanity can only truly advance if they are allowed to grow up and be on their own. After claiming that humanity was a “rather bad idea that this administration inherited,” Gott has twice attempted to create a newer, better humanity, however, both his Alien Creation Bills have failed to pass.

According to the Constitution (of America) the president must be a natural born citizen, at least thirty five years old, and have lived in the United States for at least fourteen years. Mind you, these are the only qualifications stated. Nowhere does the Constitution clearly define what a “person” is. Could the government of the people, by the people and for the people include such people as chimpanzees, dolphins or parrots?

If a citizen has to be a person, then how do you define what a person is? The easiest way to describe a person would be that they are a member of homo sapiens sapiens; they have 46 chromosomes, and can breed successfully with other members of the species. We could add that they have the ability to think, reason and communicate. But, is this too narrow a definition of what a person is? There would seem to be beings who meet many of these criteria who cannot vote and beings who fail to meet some or all of these criteria who can vote.

It is known that chimpanzees share 98% of their DNA with us and that humans are just another great ape. But, at no time in history has suffrage crossed species lines (Caligula’s menagerie notwithstanding). Currently, the only voting standards are that one must be a citizen, aged 18 or older and a member of homo sapiens sapiens. This does not take intelligence into account at all and yet we often separate human and non-human animals by the ability to speak, communicate and reason.

If a parrot, chimpanzee or dolphin can communicate and shows evidence of reasoning at the level of a human child, why should they be denied suffrage while a retarded human adult with a five-year-old’s mind is granted suffrage? Should they be denied personhood on the basis then of species? They do have different numbers of chromosomes, but then again not all humans have 46 chromosomes. Should we deny the vote to those with Klinefelter’s syndrome? After all, they have 48 chromosomes, the same number as a chimpanzee. But, species is not just chromosome number, actually most scientists would describe a species as an isolated breeding population. Yet those who are sterile or use birth control are not denied the vote.

Mind you, there have non-homo sapiens sapiens who did possess intelligence equal to us. Would a living Neanderthal or Cro Magnon be turned away from the voting booth simply because they do not belong in the exact same species as us? We can define “human” or “personhood” across species lines, so why then do we not define citizen status across species lines? If dolphins can be as intelligent as we are, why are they not granted suffrage that an equally intelligent human or perhaps a non-homo sapiens sapiens Neanderthal would likely be?

There are numerous non-human animals at least as intelligent as below-average humans. Many of these animals can communicate with us in abstract ways, they are self-aware, can use tools and think. Perhaps they are not as intelligent as anyone reading this article, but they are certainly more intelligent than many mentally impaired adults and imbeciles.

Now, another question arises; do non-human animals really understand the issues involved in the elections and in government? Well, they may not, but this is not a requirement of human voters. While there were, at times, literacy tests at the voting booths, currently literacy, and understanding of civics are not required of any human who wishes to exercise her right to vote. As governmental decisions affect human and non-human animals alike, we could in fact say that it is cruel to not grant non-human animals the vote, since laws may affect their very lives. Should they not have a voice?

True, non-human animals do not pay taxes, but are also no paid for the work they do. Plenty of non-human animals have jobs for which they are not compensated, so they can’t actually pay taxes. But this is irrelevant. Despite the popular idea of “no taxation without representation,” we rarely hear the converse “no representation without taxation.” But of course, paying taxes in not a requirement for voting.

The Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution reads:
All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

Historically, the Supreme Court has held that the amendment’s protections extend to such ‘persons’ as Exxon, Google or Sony, which now under U.S. law can be considered persons. Granted, a corporation cannot vote, but this does show that the U.S. government is willing to extend the constitutional person-hood to non-human entities.

So, what is preventing us from extending suffrage to non-human animals? Science recognizes that a human being is a member of genus homo, has 46 chromosomes, thinks, communicates and forms a reproductively capable population with others like it. And yet, voting privileges extend to beings or constructs that violate each and every one of these criteria while conversely denying the vote to beings who do meet quite a few of the criteria.

Why does suffrage work this logically inconsistent and unfair way? It is easy to see that it is our own human bias and species centrism and that discrimination against intelligent non-human animals has no real logical, biological or legal basis. Perhaps one day soon wise up and then we will have a Commander in Chimp.

1. Reinforce your message of change by throwing quarters in the audience at the end of every speech. Everyone loves a gimmick.
2. Be “folksy.”
3. Wear a blue sweater, it brings out your eyes.
4. Use your thirty seconds of debate time to do an interpretive dance about health care. Hey, it worked for Reagan.
5. When you go to a campaign stop, inform people that voting for you is an option they can take. Maybe even explain why taking that option would be in everyone’s best interest. In the long run, you know?
6. For some added flair, cover your face and bill yourself as the “Masked Candidate.” Offer to reveal your true identity only when elected.
7. Create colorful mobiles as a way to illustrate the importance of balancing the budget.
8. Remember that kissing babies is expected, but licking them just crosses the line into creepy.
9. Carry around a brightly colored noose to show that you’re tough on crime, but in a fun way.
10. While voters do tend to like a candidate who they perceive as tough and determined, it’s probably not a good idea to point out how many enemies you had murdered on your way to the governorship.
11. Wild claims such as “I can regenerate failing organs” or “Helium was my idea” can actually gain quite a few votes.
12. Leverage the possibility of hope. What we mean by that is make sure to throw the word hope into your speaking a few times. You might consider mentioning the future, too.
13. Try wearing a tank top. Well, everyone else is doing that oxford without a tie and the top button open look. Couldn’t hurt.
14. Make sure to have a crew of short-shorts-wearing Filipino cabana boys follow you around.
15. Encourage reading. Mention that your opponents haven’t done so yet. You were the first to encourage literacy. Being able to read is a good thing. That sort of stuff. Tell voters you have a secret reading program waiting to roll out. Folks like secrets.
16. Ensure all of your delegates arrive at the convention first. When a quorum is reached, start taking votes. By the time everyone else’s delegates show up, you’re the winner.
17. Have a pop-punk band compose a theme song for you. Nothing corny, but definitely catchy. If you’re of a religious persuasion, make sure it mentions “Him” and that the capitalization is obvious by the way the band sings. Everyone loves pop-punk.
18. Spend ten years adopting children of various ethnicities. Okay, we’re not sure about this one, but it just might work.
19. Promise anything. They won’t really remember later.
20. Try really hard.

Axes & Alleys: The Twelth Branch of Government!

If you’ve ever noticed that instructions involving tabs always tell you to insert Tab A into Slot B, then you’ll know we’ve noticed that, too. How couldn’t we? Instructions, directions, edicts, proscriptions, prescriptions, directives, or whatever you choose to call them are of great interest to Axes & Alleys.
In fact, there’s an entire manual saved to a special folder on our office server detailing exactly how to write this page. This instruction set (or “procedure file”) was last opened on Vespril 29th, 1999. The IT department can’t tell us exactly who it was who opened it, but it was probably our intern Myra Levins since it was opened from the intern computer station.
Myra has been an intern at the magazine for over 15 years and, as is the usual process for such an occasion, we would like to dedicate this issue to her past and continued unpaid and, before now, unappreciated service. At 30 Myra can still collate with the best of ‘em and is certainly one of the hottest women to ever grace the Axes & Alleys offices.

Levins, here’s to you!

xoxo

Delores R. Grunion
Editor-In-Chief

The Clauduary Cover Girl: Cassie Hack

Cassie Hack is the protagonist of the indie comic Hack/Slash.
As she is a fictional character, she has no real existence
and thus has no soul and only eight toes.