Monthly Archives: May 2006

Classifieds: Tiberium 2006

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FOR SALE
Slightly used basket for lowering lotion into pit. B. Bill, West VA.

FOR SALE
Mutated tomato plant for use as night light. 5,000 lumens. Joey, 530-2816. Ask for Joey.

WANTED
Homemade mailbox cover, preferably burlap or velvet. Must be IBM compatible. Ronda, Box 234.

FOR SALE
Six hundred and two Gideon Bibles stolen from Best Midwestern hotel chain. $2 each or best off. Silas McGurney, Room 4, The Pentagon.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Sparkle Boy needed to stand in corridor for eight hour workday. Must be able to stand still while holding sparklers. 125K per year, plus company car. 5-10 exp. Necessary. Fax resume to DB Inc.
Human Resources.

FOR SALE
Incredibly realistic reproduction of fried chicken dinner. Potatoes, rolls and coleslaw included. All made of wood. Call Delia, 628-1873.
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How to Do It: Tiberium 2006

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With LeMuel LeBratt

Featuring Permanent Guest Host Marcia Spatzelberg
by Special Guest Columnist Dave Titlebaum

In this month’s How to Do It, we’ll tell you an easy and simple way to steal the Kabbah Stone, the black meteorite in Mecca which is considered seriously holy to many Muslims. Now, how they consider a rock holy when they have tons of rules in Sharia against idolatry is beyond me, but it should be a fun thing to do on a rainy Saturday afternoon.

mecca
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Fifty Reasons Why the World is A Dangerous Place

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1. Poorly maintained bathyscaphes.
2. Mid-air collisions at crowded air shows.
3. Pennies on railroad tracks.
4. Annoyed cobras.
5. Monsters.
6. The A-10 “Warthog.”
7. Badly translated band saw instruction manuals.
8. Non-pasteurized dairy products.
9. Bugs who lay eggs in people’s brains.
10. Cross-eyed marksmen.
12. Agnostic extremists.
13. That stuff that leaked into the water table.
14. Expired mayonnaise.
15. Psychos who sneak razor blades into Christmas candy.
16. Tornadoes.
17. Flammable pajamas.
18. Grenades with unexpectedly short fuses.
19. Exploding bats.
20. Committees planning things.
21. Drunk teenagers with automobiles, for that matter, regular teenagers with automobiles.
22. Outlaw regimes seeking weapons of medium-grade destruction (WMGDs).
23. Housewives inadvertently mixing ammonia and bleach.
24. Africanized European honeybees from Asia.
25. The gods of Olympus who use we mortals as their playthings.
26. The many ways human necks can detrimentally deviate from their intended position.
27. Adults. Especially if they’re serious.
28. Entropy.
29. Vast swarms of two-toed sloths searching for their neckties.
30. The instinct for self-preservation.
31. Pastimes involving the use of blunt and/or sharp objects in conjunction with alcohol.
32. Any of the solutions for economic equality.
33. Any amount of intelligence and intense boredom.
34. Realists.
35. Original sin.
36. Messages of Potential + Children = Disgruntled Middle Management
37. Camouflage as fashion.
38. Reptiles.
39. Iceland. Just think about it.
40. Cats locked in rooms filled with double-sided tape.
41. Acronyms and abbreviations.
42. Humidors that only lock from the outside.
43. Inappropriately-sized dowels.
44. Brave journalists.
45. Heraldic imagery of flamingos.
46. Carnivorous grass.
47. Illegal Asteroids
48. Rabbit evolution.
49. Increased reliance on non-internal memory-retrieval mechanisms.
50. Angels and demons fighting a prolonged war for the souls of humanity in a substanceless dominance game whose winner is supposedly preördained and whose end conditions are amorphous at best.