Classified Ads: Gregor 2007

Yoga class. I’ve been teaching for years, but as its popularity has exploded, I’d like to move on to teaching something more obscure such as lathing or forgery. No experience required on behalf of the purchaser. Most students won’t know the difference. $600 or three boxes of dried cherries from Traverse City, MI. Write to Yolanda Vega, care of Rockville Centre Chamber of Commerce, Rockville Centre, Long Island, New York.

Uxorious marriage. I thought it would be nice to have a husband devoted completely to me, but this is simply ridiculous. Visit Maria Testanova at 32 Via Madrigal, Rome, Italy and make an offer.

Pictures of cats in costumes. No vampire cats, please. Will offer 25¢ per photograph. However, if pictures of vampire cats are included, I will bludgeon you with an object of my choice. I am completely serious about this. No vampire cat pictures. Email

Baseball pitching machine safety manuals. Will trade Flyer XL-57, Johansen Mk. III, and 35q Lemonding manuals for Winston-Zedmore Superdelixe, Overdrive Systems Primary, and 457 Arclite Fantasmo manuals. Meet me on the corner of Marbury and Madison Streets, downtown Kentucky.

Large quantity of used lamps. Over 300 to choose from. You can pick one, two, or even many lamps and carry them off to your own home. May also be used in businesses or religious buildings (unless your religion prohibits electricity, of course). Write to Kodie Salter, 52 MySterio Lane, Oakland, CA.

Great item for a Moishe Lembelbach fan! Call me to find out what it is. 876-535-9998.

Quartz synthesizing kit. Must include: high pressure chamber, instruction booklet (color only, please), full container of quartz starter solution, cleaning brush, three quartz synthesizing helmets, poly-cotton blend face mask, 18 hour underwear, The Quartz Synthesis Handbook 2006. Please do not include high pressure chambers with 36 mm gas ports. Must be like new. Will pay up to $57 or trade in like value of services. Please write for a list of offered services. Barry Macormack, 85 Aiken St., Kanak, SC.

Lightly-used wooden bidet. £35.40. Cleaning extra.

19 year old, 19 stone nymphet seeks muscular dude to hang out with and have fun. Hanging out and having fun are limited to sexual intercourse three times a day with one instance of cunnilingus. One back rub per week required. No need to provide pumice stones for pedicures. I have my own. Jessica Bradley, Box 30936

My Luddite boyfriend. Recently traded in all of his compact disc collection for reel-to-reel recordings, burned all of our digital video discs and replaced them with animated picture discs of 1920s era blues singers, and will not allow touch tone telephones or cellular telephones in the apartment. He’s yours for three hours per day with a one week guarantee at $12. Call Alicia Abercrombie at 779-726-5355.

False beard made of real human hair. While I’m 14 years old and physically resemble a full-grown man, I still cannot grow facial hair. Anything in brown to dark brown works for me. Will pay cash for creation and delivery. Let me know your prices by visiting my MySpace:

Rear half of a pug. I’m keeping the front half for my own purposes. Just nickels a day! Write Danny Kilvarough, 355 Frontage Rd., Suburbia, EL, 00475 for more information.

The Fifty Worst Things to Find in Your Younger Brother’s Room

1. A heartfelt letter from Richard M. Nixon congratulating him on faking the moon landing.
2. His script for the puppet show. You know, the ones where the puppets have sex. Yeah, that one.
3. Candid photos of yourself in the shower.
4. An autographed copy of Mein Kampf.
5. The original, un-altered cut of the Zapruder film.
6. The world’s third largest collection of butt plugs.
7. Costumes for the Renaissance Fair.
8. Costumes for the Furry Convention.
9. A handwritten letter from the Shah of Iran, declaring a Fatwa against your family.
10. S&M porn.
11. S&M porn featuring farm animals and amputees.
12. Marijuana.
13. Heroin.
14. Seventy pounds of nitrogen based fertilizer.
15. A tactical nuclear weapon.
16. A bottle of estrogen and a copy of “Transexualism for Dummies.”
17. Walt Disney’s frozen corpse.
18. A fifty gallon drum full of human body parts.
19. A fifty gallon drum full of the president’s body parts.
20. Life-sized cardboard cutouts of the Golden Girls.
21. A den of rabid raccoons.
22. Saddam Hussein’s death rope.
23. The Home Stomach-Stapling kit.
24. A copy of the director’s cut of It’s a Wonderful Life, where, in the end, George Bailey decides to go ahead and
kill himself.
25. A hive of killer bees.
26. The collection of his Little Mermaid fan fiction.
27. President Armstrong underoos in their factory-sealed condition.
28. The Horticulturalist’s Guide to Scoring Women with Carnivorous Plants
29. Lemon-flavoured genital crabs powder.
30. A chimpanzee named Bubbles.
31. The Congolese fetish magazine Starved, HIV+ and Armed.
32. His proof about how we really do live in The Matrix and so can pretty much kill whomever we wish.
33. His altar to Jerry Lewis, but only as the Nutty Professor.
34. Voodoo dolls for fictional characters.
35. The Toxic Algal Bloom Beach Infection Kit (Extra Strength).
36. Mom’s desiccated remains.
37. An Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue.
38. Used tampons arranged in a grid.
39. An authentic, but improperly ventilated Mongolian barbecue.
40. Thousands of broken wishbones.
41. An application for a Claire’s franchise.
42. NAMBLA membership card.
43. Eunuchry Quarterly (a trade publication)
44. His collection of personal bodily fluids in mason jars, wherein the blood and urine are marked with happy
faces, but the semen is marked with sad faces.
45. Erotic gargoyle statuettes.
46. Flyers announcing a free peep show starring you for a $5 cover.
47. The Bible
48. His 50 compact disc collection of Uruguay’s greatest hits.
49. Love letters from the octogenarian across the street.
50. Mad scrawls on the walls written in Sharpie™ declaring that the daisies are coming for him.

Katie Stalin in the City of Brotherly Love


If you want to have a ton of fun, then stay away from the bread factory I went to. It’s just ovens and big bowls and stuff, and no, no one told me that a bread factory is just a big kitchen. Like, I have a kitchen at home people. I don’t need to go see one. Sure, they give you free bread, but it was too hot to eat. Gee, thanks a lot.

It smelled pretty good, I guess, but it was still pretty stupid and there are a few crabby
old ladies wearing hair nets. Did you ever notice that hair nets make people look like they’ve got a big mole in their forehead? Me neither. Until I went to a bread factory. Actually, two of those ladies did have big, ugly, hairy moles on their foreheads. I think the hair nets were just to cover them up.

Luckily, there’s lots of other stupid stuff in Philadelphia so I didn’t have to spend my whole trip in a bread factory. During my two days in Philadelphia, I learned a lot. For instance, there’s this supposed rule that says “You broke it, you bought it.” Who even decided that that was gonna be the rule, and since when does it apply to Liberty Hall? See, I went to go see where our Nation (America) was born, so I visited Liberty Hall. Of course, yeah, it’s just a bunch of rooms, albeit with some nice wood panelling. But c’mon, I live in a house with rooms. I don’t need to pay money to see more rooms.

Then, this tour guide (yeah, like that’s a position of authority) tells me that I can’t drink in there. And it wasn’t even like I had a whole bottle, it was just a carton of cranberry juice mixed with vodka that I was sipping from discretely. Discretely! But no, this jerk, who had probably the gayest moustache I’ve ever seen, tries to take it from me. And I’m not about to let this douche take my vodka, and then I kicked his ass sort of. Actually, I got in some really nice blows before we fell over and knocked down a bunch of stuff. Yeah, these security and cops showed up, like it wasmy fault.

And this guy’s all like, you broke my bell. Oh, did I break your precious bell? Who cares about a bell? Well, a bunch of people apparently. They said I broke it, but that’s just wrong because it already had a big crack in the side. And why do you even need a bell still? My phone can make bell noises, but I don’t use that as my ringtone because bells are annoying. Either way, the expense account department at Axes & Alleys is gonna be pissed when they get the bill for that bell. Ah well, that’s why I’m a field reporter, so I can be out of office. That way they can’t yell at me.

I found this neat thing outside after the guards threw me out on my ass (literally!). They have these tricycles that float on the water! It’s the most amazing thing, ever. You just walk up to the guy, pay him some cash, and ride out onto the river. Of course there’s a catch, though. You can’t just go around knocking other tricycles over with that handy pole you found in an alley after coming out of Philadelphia’s most exclusive night club. Oh no! That’s just wrong. And they won’t refund your money.

Now, I’ve gotta go check out the Amazon jungle and see if that’s cool. I hear there are
some temples, and some naked tribesmen, and a group of folks who don’t even have a concept of the past. I bet you can slap them around and get forgiven pretty quick. Sounds exciting though, because it’s in South America, right near Mexico where they invented nachos.