CLassified Advertisients: Justinuary 2006

Mickey Dolenz’ eyebrows. Stolen while he was asleep in the bus station. Yours for $35.00 or trade. Rebecca at line 201.

4 supertankers full of shaving cream in aloe variety. 1.2 million tonnes total. Free Indira Ghandi necktie included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London SW1, UK

Wet cardboard. Two cents, or best offer. Timothy, 10 Ran Way, Indian Falls, MV 202919

200 TW earthquake machine. Causes earthquakes up to 7.1 on the Richter Scale. Not for evil! $300,000.75 plus insurance and transport fees. NASA, Houston, TX

Croatian sex slave named Angela; 5’9″, light blue eyes, auburn hair and 3% freckle coverage. 36B with quarter sized, darkish pink areolae. $30,000. For sale to good home or enterprising lawyer. Call Ms. Elizabeth at #008.

100 volunteers needed for human-grasshopper hybridization experiments. Earn $7.00 an hour plus a free thorax and all the hemolymph you can stuff in your exoskeleton. Bugman Research Labs, Tripoli, PD. Fax resume/photo to 771-828-2881.

Photograph of lion. Lion is sitting with quizzical expression. Sketch of lion and my lion poetry also available. Call Todd at 109-332-2272 for price list.

Croatian sex slave. 5’6″-5’7″ with light green eyes, strawberry blonde hair and 12-14% freckle coverage. Breasts 34C with Susan B. Anthony dollar sized light pinkish areolae. Name beginning with R preferred. Will accept T or I at substantial discount. Mike Bolton, Esq. Box 222.

Author needed to write long, formulaic, mass-market paperbacks. Highly paid, much publicity. Chance for movie to be made bearing no resemblance to book.
Call Sarah Tam at Lorimer Press, NY, NY

The book I wrote. While waging a secret, personal war against a corrupt I.R.A. influenced senator covertly financing a Columbian drug cartel, a plucky lawyer uncovers a centuries-old conspiracy by the Vatican to clone dinosaurs led by a young wizard who’s only begun to discover that his fantastic power may spell doom for Shepherd’s Point, a small town in Maine. It’s called Innocent Until Proven Deadly. For sale to a publisher or movie producer. Dan Steele, Hartford, CT.

More coffee. I just can’t seem to get going this morning. Please fax coffee to 728-0092-20289. Will fax back $1 per cup. Jim at Intertel Globalcom.

Spacious apartment in nice area. Four bedrooms, two full baths. 230,000 square feet. Only $122/month. Perfect for people who don’t need to breathe because the whole space is a vacuum chamber and there’s no air. Carbunkle Realty, 337-2832-28333

Call Mit O. Chondria at the corner grocery.

Doobie Brother. Includes landing gear, vest and sequined bowling apparatus. $450.00 or better offer. James Wilson, Oncology Department, NJ Teaching College.

Woman, age 18-35 needed to sit opposite me on the train. Must be attractive and/or dressed in interesting clothes. Eye contact a possibility. N train, second to last car, most mornings around 8am. I’m the fellow with glasses.

Three Gorges Dam needed to block off Yangtze River in the People’s Republic of China. Top pay, benefits and company car provided. Contact Hu Jintao, Beijing. Room 3.

Fifty Things You Can Do With a Dollar

1. Leave it in your coat pocket as a nice surprise for next winter.
2. Exchange it for twenty nickels. Neatly stack them into four stacks of five nickels each.
3. Watch one-seventh of a matinee.
4. Fold it so that George Washington turns into a mushroom. Use it as a visual aid to explain Hiroshima.
5. Bet it on the cock that looks like he’ll win the fight.
6. Purchase lozenges for the sick.
7. Donate it to your alma mater. See if they’ll name a window sill after you.
8. Give a penny each to 100 different shepherds.
9. Offer Ted a dollar to pick up the sticks in the front yard.
10. Attempt to bribe your congress-person.
11. Practice origami.
12. Lie and tell your friends it’s two dollars.
13. Use the counterfeit detection pen on it when you get one at your supermarket cashier job.
14. Lick it. Tell people you like the taste of money.
15. Bury it. Then create a complicated, cryptic map to your mini-treasure.
16. Draw an eyepatch on Washington. When your friends tell you it’s illegal to deface government property, explain to them how the Federal Reserve Banks are an independent body.
17. Offer it to a kid, see if he’ll get in your van.
18. Write a short story on the front. End it with “to be continued…” so the next person who gets it can share in the fun.
19. Put it in a pyramid so the sides will get sharper.
20. Fold it into a triangle for paper football. Goal!
21. Look at the pyramid-eye thing on the back and spin your own conspiracy theories.
22. Spend a few hours and practice forging the Secretary of the Treasury’s signature.
23. Try to find the secret spider on that web back-ground.
24. Tip Angel, the best stripper down at Babydolls.
25. Offer it in exchange for something a merchant has valued at one dollar.
26. Use a blender to shred it into small pieces. Then, snort the pieces to get high off of all the cocaine with which it’s come into contact.
27. Pretend to be a rich guy by rolling cigarettes with it.
28. Go to the bank and try to get 50 two-cent coins.
29. Trade it in for 62 cents Crime Cash.
30. Buy a hooker for the night. A really cheap hooker.
31. Fold it up for use as a handy implement to get food out from between your teeth.
32. Use it as inspiration for your hit Blues song, “My Lonely Dollar Bill.”
33. Copyright it and sue everyone using dollar bills.
34. Play Blue Fiber/Red Fiber. Have each person choose a color and count those fibers on the face of the bill. Whoever has more of their color wins.
35. Travel back in time to the 1920s and get yourself 90 pennywhistles.
36. Add crumbled dollar bill to your corn flakes for that great linen taste.
37. Use it to destabilize the economy of Namibia.
38. Take it out to a popular mall on Black Friday, attempt to buy an expensive product, then cry in front of news cameras about the effects of inflation.
39. Coat a corner in butane and use it to get the stickiness out of key pads on your saxophone.
40. Roll it up and swat bees.
41. Use it to separate hair in which you wish to put highlights.
42. Put a down payment on a marble statue of yourself.
43. Offer it to a club DJ to play your favorite song.
44. Study it if you get bored while defecating.
45. Buy one of those tequila worm lollipops you’ve always wanted.
46. Pull the security strip out of it to add to your collection of security strips.
47. Buy five pounds of New Jersey beach sand as the start to your new outdoor bar.
48. Drop it on the street to distract a mugger.
49. Point to it as a symbol of the evils of capitalism for random strangers.
50. Offer it to your teenager as their allowance. When they scoff at it, tell them to get a damn job.