My Brunch with Dirk Benedict


Dirk Benedict came over on Sunday, mid-afternoon. He didn’t take haste in coming, for our time together is leisurely. In answering his knock, I opened the door to find that dashing man upon my verandah. Standing tall and full of life, he sent vibrations near and far.

With bloody maries already at hand I invited him to sit. Oh did we wile away the time, sipping at our cocktails; discussing Aristophanes and macroeconomics. Dirk Benedict, I say, is a masterful economist. with command of theory, practical experience and a rapacious imagination. Later we happily switched to sangria.

I gently bade him enter now, for a fine repast I had awaiting. His eyes were twinkling as he dug right in. His mane is cherubic when he’s eating rye toast and fried ham, and almost laughing at his eggs benedict. Dirk Benedict enjoys that jape, no matter how many times it’s done.
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Gardening Tips with Dave Vendel

Helpful Hints for the Amateur Domicile-Adjacent-Area Horticulturalist

Dave Vendel
Dave Vendel is a Soil and Granule Science expert and member of the Department of the Interior’s Super Soil Action Awareness Team.

Howdy Guys, guess what? It’s spring again and you know what that means. It’s time to dig out that hoe and get those clods a turning. That’s right, it’s time again for all of us gardeners to wage our little wars against nature. So, this month, I’ll be offering some useful information for dealing with those pesky spring gardening problems.

Log Jam
Many small lawns throughout the region occasionally suffer from an affliction termed “log jam.” This unsightly mass of logging castoffs makes many a block party difficult, if not impossible. Log jam makes lawns difficult to traverse, interact upon and mow. Be wary of the snakeoil merchants plying chemical-based solutions to this dilemma. There are no legal controls of such a nature. One may reduce the severity and frequency of the condition by posting armed sentries to control illegal lumber dumps.

Concrete Pest
Check your new concrete walkways for attacks by the orange blood fly. These large flies resemble small flies and will begin laying eggs in your concrete minutes after pouring. An unchecked infestation can result in a pockmarked or wholly non-functional walkway. After the eggs hatch, the giant larvae tunnel out of the con-crete, leaving their molted, gooey exoskeletons on undamaged portions of your lawn walkway. The best solution is to remain vigilant in your yard between March 17 and April 30. Keep a bat handy.

Read the Label
Read the labels of artificial lawn generation products carefully and thoroughly before purchase. Many companies make wild claims about nanotechnology, genetically-engineered “mini-gardeners” or other such artificial methods of lawn creation. Buyer beware! Most such methods do not work, contrary to your intuition.

Hand-Pick Bugs
Look, bugs have been around for so much longer than humanity that you’re just not going to get rid of them, no matter what kind of chemical or pseudo-organic methods you use. The best bet is to hand-pick the type of bug of which you wish to have an infestation. You’ll be better off knowing that you made the choice best for you and the bugs will have a healthy sense of self-worth.

Spring Cleanup for Yards and Gardens
Contrary to the “advice” offered in Poor Richard’s “Almanac,” the home yard or garden is not the best place to dis-pose of deceased relatives, friends or strangers. Corpses can make lawns bumpy and invite pests in gardens. Remember: no corpse, healthy gorse!

Tip o' the Day