Classified Ads: Clauduary 2008

Electric chin clefter with harness. Wear it while you sleep and after ninety days you’ll have a cleft chin. My own invention. £60.00 plus £4.50 shipping and handling. Pete Townsend, London, UK. Ring top bell.

One potent bout of dysentery. Highly unpleasant and potentially life-threatening. $4.00 per vial. Great for getting out of social obligations or for practical jokes. Alfonse Chicuba, Box 2417.

Pudding. Slightly used, with skin over top. Bowl not included. $1,250.oo plus insurance fee. Hydrich Himmler, Jr. 011-39-43-6901-777. 100% Confidential.

Wax replica of scuba regulator. 90” x 54” x 60”. Includes faux marble pedestal (also made of wax). $150.00. Send inquiries to

Eight thousand four hundred and three sets of M*A*S*H playing cards with Klinger as the Joker. Free red sofa cushion included. Gordon Brown, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1.

Leaky tarp. Blue in color (hexadecimal #0000FF). Perfect for covering old boat. Fifty cents or best offer. Serious inquiries only. Mutton Chop Inn, 573 NE Ruffle St., Plame, WV.

One human soul. Immortal and made in the image of the Christian God. Slightly tarnished by decades of sin. €50,000, includes carrying case. Rene Chupacabra, Paris, France, Boite #208.

Dinner at my brother’s house. Arrive by 2:00 PM, leave by 9:00 PM. Includes antipasto with various meats, cheeses, and other “yum yums;” lasagne second course, and main course includes roasted goose with cranberry sauce and trimmings. Dessert of apple crumb pie. Only $400. Find Angela on Facebook.

Rabbit. One ear missing. 35 extra hairs. No insurance. $2 per day or best offer. Charles Incharge, Lakota Nation, North America.

Over one hundred cult members. Possibly as many as 103 or 104. Robes and brainwashing included. Must provide own shoes. Grand High Empress Kiwi, 45 Mercer Lane, Chicago, IL 60609.

Erotic dance moves performed by female human and set to music. Pole extra. Czech regular price. $40 per hour. Liberal Libby:

Small percentage of company. Will exchange sliver of ownership for cash based on value established by “the market.” Steve Wolfbuddy, United States Securities and Exchange Commission, 3 World Financial Center, Suite 400 New York, NY 10281

You read that right. I will gladly be hired on retainer to yell out “Fore!” when your golf ball is about to hit someone on the course. I’m cheap, too, as I’m out of work. Just $35 a month and I’ll show up anywhere you like. Must include meals. Call Steve Gutenberg, 415-626-9337.

Grim Reaper bathrobe. Tie-off has a scythe pattern on it. Hood extra. $5 per year. Ask for Jenny at any local restaurant chain.

Space within my genome. I will gladly remove several thousand base pairs for your own coding. Genes coding for new organelle extremely welcome. Albert Fortran c/o Bert’s Liquor, South Minnetta Strip Mall, Peekhoe, WD.

50 Ways to Better-Market Cereal

1. Include a coupon for 50% off next gallon of milk.
2. Corner the Mediterranean demographic by including dried chunks of goat marrow in the recipe.
3. Encase cereal in bio-engineered melon. Sell with “bowl included.”
4. Include sugar-water packet with pin set to prick on a timer counting down three months inside box with light-sensitive exterior which changes over time so that the expired product can then be sold as an alcoholic beverage called “Liquor Charms.”
5. Continue the practice of not combining the thought of cereal with the thought of menstruation.
6. Free glow-in-the-dark combination cock-ring/secret decoder ring in every box.
7. Fill package with CO2 for that fun “dizziness” effect.
8. Package the cereal in a container which by its very nature not only prevents resealing, but encourages the spilling of valuable cereal product all over the floor.
9. “Not Manufactured in Newfoundland & Labrador” stamped on each box.
10. “Authentic $20 Bill Included!”
11. Put nude women on the box.
12. “Free laser with purchase.”
13. “Now without phlegm.”
14. Include a ticket for free robot sex.
15. Small RFID transmitters which broadcast the amount of cereal in the box wirelessly to your home computer via RSS feed.
16. Ads which proclaim “Eating this cereal is comparable to anal sex.”
17. Embark on a global campaign for Asian Bjrnto, the cereal with prawns.
18. Tell people they can only eat your cereal if they are awesome.
19. Don’t create commercials that are black and white homage to film noir and late Sixties French cinema.
20. Label your cereal as “Inspired by the television series Firefly.”
21. Create cereal boxes that double as rape whistles.
22. Point out how much less fiber your cereal contains. You don’t want to be on the toilet all day because of some Crusty Crunchy Roos.
23. Include a touch-sensitive keypad on the back so consumers can take notes during breakfast.
24. Have your cereal endorsed by The Skeptic’s Guide to the Universe.
25. Take Cancer-Os™ off the shelf once and for all.
26. Replace deadly razor blade chips with colourful marshmallows.
27. Put chapters from Great Expectations on each box, so you have something to read at breakfast besides boring nutritional information.
28. Endorsements from RadioShack CEO Julian Day.
29. Create new promotion “Buy twelve boxes and we won’t kill your mother.”
30. Replace the standard six sided rectangle box with an eye pleasing dodecahedron.
31. Mention, via advertising, that the cereal meets the rhyming description of “nutritious and delicious.”
32. Print Bible verses on the box.
33. State on the record that the rival, store-brand knock-off cereal supports communism.
34. Increase the levels of highly addictive nicotine in your corn puffs, flakes or whatnot.
35. Announce that you will reduce prices by 3%, then wow the public by actually reducing prices by an astonishing 3.0125%.
36. Get the stamp of approval from the Union of Ultra-Reformed Rabbis.
37. Tell children that if they don’t eat your cereal their parents will stop loving them and sell them to Gypsies. Particularly cruel Gypsies.
38. Make it fully compatible with the CerealCaddy5000™.
39. Use science to create an alternate universe where your cereal is more valuable than gold.
40. Make the average breakfast cereal thirty percent more flammable.
41. Have an octopus in every box who can dispense the cereal without the need for complicated pouring.
42. Attach a plug to the box for some reason.
43. Get all four members of KISS to put blood in each batch.
44. Convince retail merchants to give you an end cap display.
45. Replace the traditional toy prize with a coupon good for one free informative lecture from Richard Dawkins.
46. Create Latin packaging to corner the ecclesiastical market.
47. Put a cartoon dinosaur on the packaging. Hey, it can’t hurt, right?
48. Tell women that eating puffed corn will somehow reduce the pain and discomfort of the menses.
49. Put nanites in every box that, once consumed, travel to the consumer’s brain and take over higher functions, turning the person into a cereal buying robot.
50. Stop advertising the cereal as “the Nazi way to start your day.”