Monthly Archives: October 2006

Scott Birdseye Special Feature

Halloween Costume Ideas for the Ladies

Everyone loves a good excuse to dress up all slutty. Halloween’s as good an excuse as any, I guess. Of course, there are many problems with the usual sexy costumes.

Halloween Costume Ideas

Take for instance the sexy bee costume in the above picture. The reproductive life of the common European honeybee Apis mellifera is such that only a small portion of a hive population is involved in the mating act. The vast majority of bees are non-reproducing workers. Why would a worker need to look sexy? It can’t mate and hence does not need to display its sexual characteristics. Most awful is the fact that the sexy bee costume seems designed to accent the woman’s breasts. This is utterly silly; bees do not have mammary glands. So few people put thought into their costumes.

Sexy pirates, cops, firemen, gun molls, witches, vampires, and nurses are clichéd and hackneyed at best. This Halloween, as you celebrate the convergence of the netherworld with our plane of existence, why not try one of these sexy costumes:

  • Architect
  • Chairperson
  • Records Clerk
  • Human Resources Director
  • Lab Technician
  • City Planner
  • Prospector
  • Zoning Comission Member
  • Event Coordinator
  • Senator from Kansas
  • Merchandising Associate
  • MRI Technician
  • Copy Machine Repairperson
  • Congressional Aide
  • Press Spokesperson
  • Graphic Artist
  • News Anchor
  • Chartered Accountant
  • Assistant Archivist
  • Talent Manager
  • Driving Instructor
  • Gardener
  • Valve Inspector

And don’t forget that everyone loves a sexy Regional Development Coordinator or a slutty Information Technology Specialist.

Note: Watch out for razor blades in your trick-or-treat candy, and have a safe, fun Halloween.

Classifieds Scott Birdseye

Classifieds: Caliguly 2006

FOR SALE
Home-made robot costume. Made of 1 in. thick iron plates. Weight: 1.2 metric tonnes. Difficult to move in. Really difficult. £300 or best offer.

FOR SALE
Recording of “Das Rheingold” performed with banjo-and-kazoo-only orchestra. Comes in special fifty-four CD box set. Yours for only one nickel. The Kalamazoo Kazoo Cotillion, 011.318. 618.281.2711.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Kay Hanley impersonator to perform at retirement village. Old people really like Kay Hanley but the real Kay Hanley hates the elderly.
Happy Acres Rest Home, Birmingham, AL.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Minions needed to help me in my quest for world domination. If you fail me, I will kill the guy next to you. Dental plan included. Aristotle Scorpio, Seoul, Korea, Room 3.

FOR RENT
Coupon for fifty cents off dish detergent. $4.00 per day, plus mileage. Contact Lionel, 77.333.8381.

WANTED
Cigarette lighter cleverly disguised as M-1 Abrams tank. Full size only. Will pay up to y5,000 or trade for Apache helicopter style can-opener. Yasper Keating, Box 553.

FOR SALE
Paraglider Pig. World-famous county fair performer and popular philosopher. Must have state-certified slop trough and installed, functional mud puddle, and 40 foot tall launching pylon to purchase.Only $3000. Not for use as bacon. Call Dan at 445-6822

WANTED
Space to hold cannibal flesh roast for visiting team of imitation Mexican wrestlers. One female with excellent secondary sexual characteristics.
Cantankerous, Ltd.
Box 66232

FOR RENT
Package of one dozen cigarette lighters. Please do not open package of one dozen cigarette lighters.
Fred McMurray
Los Angeles, CA

NOT WANTED
My left hand. I don’t think I really need it. Free. Bring own tools.
Michael Freesly
Lemon, NV

WANTED
Model of the rocky mountains. Any scale. Must be fully-functional.
W. Price, 35 Prescott Ln. West Ontario, OT

FOR RENT
Succubus. We’ve been together for 4 decades, but much of the glamor is gone. As is. Lascivious thoughts included.
Damon Worthington
Box 7438

FOR SALE
Bottom 1/3 of Pacific Ocean. Call for details: 272.181.18111, ext. 2. Ask for Jacum.

FOR SALE
Municipal water tower full of tiny, evil-looking snow men dolls. Some animated by dead spirits. $7100 or best offer. Pyle Heights, PD. 72721.

WANTED
One box full of atomic element #405. Four hundred protons? That sure is heavy. I’ll take a box worth. Ruth W. 77.333.8382.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Fry cook needed to head up marketing department. We happen to like the smell of burning oil and fry cooks just wreak of it.Please ring DeLancy Pharmaceuticals.
Katharinetowne, WD.

FOR SALE
Dead cat. Really cheap. The pet cemetery wants y100 to bury it. You can have it for anything less than that. Sean O’Malley, Ulster.

FOR SALE
One hundred, twenty two thousand, four hundred and eight Indira Ghandi bobble-head dolls. Free eggplant included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London SW1.

FOR SALE
Bicycle with triangular wheels. No, it doesn’t work. Ask for Father Rio Ban 77.333.8384.

Scott Birdseye Sticker Page

Sticker Page!

Click on the image below then print it out on sticker paper, or if you feel like it, magnetic paper and then decorate your world or your world’s refrigerator.

Fifty Things Scott Birdseye

Fifty Ways to Have Fun with Tongs

1. See how many turtles you can pick up at once.
2. Play “Wipeout” on your pots and pans.
3. Use them to sling hot coals at bears.
4. Taunt people whose thumbs are amputated.
5. Use them as a handy hat remover.
6. Cut the tongs in half. Glue one half to your stomach and the other to your back. Splatter some fake blood about your torso and pretend someone stabbed you.
7. Use tongs to do work on Sabbath. Ask forgiveness.
8. Sell tongs on an infomercial as “Super Grip 9000.”
9. Bend paper.
10. Press tongs onto skin for a minute. Be fascinated by red tong impressions.
11. Invent new party game called “Capture the balloon.”
12. Use tongs to gently stroke cat’s back. The cat will enjoy it.
13. Remove corn from boiling water. Place on plate for eating. Salt to taste.
14. Manipulate marionette.
15. Use tongs to pick up biohazardous needle on beach.
16. Mock talkative person by pretending tongs are their mouth. Open and close tong prongs rapidly.
17. Use as ineffective catapult.
18. Join mariachi band. Use tongs as castanet’s.
19. Lightly tap congresspersons on the head with tongs. Giggle.
20. Use to pick only the good bits out of the chicken soup.
21. Provide your wife with home gynecological exams.
22. Secretly replace cavalry officer’s sword with tongs. Laugh as he attempts to lead charge.
23. After much training, use tongs to grasp flies out of the air.
24. Use to teach children about biangles.
25. Attempt to dial a number on a rotary telephone.
26. Hold a cigarette while smoking.
27. Put one in each hand and live among the crabs for a week.
28. Use them on the job when coworkers complain about you doing work too fast.
29. Conduct a symphony.
30. Paint them in rainbows to celebrate Gay Pride.
31. Make a game for kids using tongs and toothpicks, and the picking up thereof.
32. Juggle glasses.
33. Cane prisoners of war for infractions.
34. Cover with a condom and attempt to open.
35. Move your collectible action figures without getting human oils on the packaging.
36. Encourage rebellion and civil unrest in areas lacking tong technology by giving tongs to an ethnic, political or racial minority.
37. Waggle tongs over your head when your sports team or military is victorious.
38. Spend the day counting from one to two by opening and closing the tongs.
39. Stick them on the end of a broom and spin them around to create the illusion of a cone.
40. Purchase various spherical foodstuffs, then pretend to pluck the eye out of different-sized animals with them.
41. Use them like a dowsing rod to find water.
42. Insert into gravy. Open tongs to stir twice as effectively.
43. Turn book pages without annoying licking.
44. Throw into cave. Should anyone ask about tongs, lie and say you lost them.
45. Prove effectiveness of wrench by attempting to remove bolts with tongs.
46. Offer Rivers Cuomo tongs in exchange for private Weezer concert at your birth day party.
47. Measure height of Chrysler Building in tong units.
48. Get a bunch of fish and stick them in a barrel. Use tongs to alternately stir them, poke them and grab them.
49. Dip tongs in fruit punch. Stick in freezer to create tongcicle.
50. Pretend to be an ancient Greek warrior with tongs.

How to Do It Scott Birdseye

Helpful Hints for Daily Life

brainpower

1. They say that fish is brain food, so why not eat the smartest fish of all; the dolphin.
Studies show that eating one pickled dolphin brain a day can raise your SAT score by as many as three points.
2. Try trepanation; it releases pressure on the brain so more wisdom can fit in there.
3. Attach a couple of 9V batteries to a magnet and then run a wire to a knitting needle. Just jam the needle in your head and you’ll be using electro-mental powers in no time.
4. Wear a metal colander on your head. It helps focus mental radiation.
5. Use chemicals to break down the blood-brain barrier so you can let all your symbiotic parasites help with the thinking.
6. Try handy mnemonic devices. For instance you can remember the order of the first Ten Amendments to the Constitution as Only (one) Tumulous (two) Thoroughbreds (three) Fight (four) Fancy (five) Souped-up (six) Silverfish (seven) Every (eight) Night (nine) Tentatively (ten). Easy as pie.
7. You know the metal colander on your head that keeps in mental radiation? Cover it with
tinfoil, to help block out anti-mentation interference (AMI).
8. Try to imagine squares, circles, and triangles as three-dimensional objects.
9. Plug up your nose and ears with cotton balls to stop your knowledge from leaking out.
10. Try thinking harder.