Monthly Archives: May 2004

Classifieds Jeremy Rosen

Advertisements (Classified): May 2004

WANTED
16th Dalai Lama. Must be below the age of 4, Tibetan of exiled parents and imbued with the soul of the original Dalai Lama at the same time as the 14th and 15th Dalai Lamas. Must no be related to the Panchen Lama, the Nustro Lama or the Origishi Lama. No joke Alpaca submissions please. $50 U.S. or best offer. Contact His Holiness, Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama; Lhasa.

FOR SALE
Full set of 27 dominoes. 30 pesos Call Lee at 998-2122

FOUND
Social Security Card. Made of metal with name Kermit James on front. Will withhold SSN for now. Call Ernie 405-205-9541

FOR RENT
One bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. Must be returned full and unopened. Best offer. Write to Jules McKenzington 24 Boynton Way Northbridge, MV

FOR RENT
The contents of my briefcase. 65 cents a day plus all applicable local, state and federal taxes and tariffs. 1 Proctor Business District, Cubicle 1.

WANTED
One portly woman. No questions asked. Must be portly or no deal. Send photo, resume and stats to Clifford Brownlee c/o Menizen Sanitarium.

FOR SALE
One song. Available for a song. No posers, please. Box 6492

FOR SALE
Secret of fire. Contact Prof. M. Theus through prayer.

LOST
Four pet marmosets. Male and female. Call Sven, Hladenkog, Norway.

WANTED
One half monkey. Must be the right half and must be dyed blue. Will pay $45.21. Call Ed, ask for Bill’s number, he’ll give it to you.

FOR SALE
376 Heads of cattle. Without bodies. Free can of corn included. Write to Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1.

ANNOUNCEMENT
The Homosexual Musher’s Society of West Dakota is holding its annual convention in Hermule, Kalisotta this year. Get ready for five days of fun in the sun, dancing, the world’s most erotic marzipan contest and much more. Must be a member to participate. For more information visit www.wdma.org.

LOST
One department store mannequin lamp. No shade. Please report to Katharinetowne Police Department.

WANTED
Part-time arch-fiend to complement my costumed vigilante alter-ego on weekends. Possible party gigs a plus if good work done. Must be evil genius with funds to match. Call Artie “the Moleman” Moelman 345-6757

LOST
16 ounces of Serious Putty. Purchased with last of rent money for my only son’s birthday. Why God, oh why?

FOR SALE
Brand new indulgences. Only the best of this season’s indulgences are available at Papal Warehouse and Spa. Route 15 by the Neptune Society Cremation Lodge

FREE GIVEAWAY
25 Gideon Bibles. New and unused. Still with Gideon Society bookmark! Sharpe Creek Motel 35 Kentonville Way Oak’s Neck, AG 49268

FOR LEASE
Horseless carriage. New 7 horsepower, two cylinder, internal-combustion engine included. Call Cyrus Pokorny 342-1717

WANTED
Brand-new, world-changing, synergistic technology for license. Must be able to claim credit for technological innovation for a duration of 15 years. This will save my marriage. Price negotiable. email crumbley@vorgotronsubkinematicscybercorp.com

FOR SALE
Used breast implants. No longer needed by previous owners. Cornish County Morgue Bliven, TR 66605

ANNOUNCEMENT
Sliers and Sliers Law Firm opening offices in area. Specializing in post-mortuary recovery issues, lapsed intellectual property rights and poultry law. An experienced law firm is your best ally in court. Make sure that ally is us, Sliers and Sliers, your poultry law specialists!

WANTED
Ohio. Will pay any price. Particulars negotiable. Contact French Embassy (Also seeking Michigan and Illinois (would also like any land sold as Louisiana Purchase (also portions of Mexico (perhaps wayward portions of New France)))).

FOR RENT
One ton of wood pulp to be returned as finished paper product. Free keychain to first customer. Morland Paper Company Mooseknot, WV 23456

FOR SALE
One half a monkey. Left half. Has been dyed orange. Call Thespis
718-682-0093, ext.72###2.

FOR SALE
Meaning of life. I can only afford a two line

Ads Jeremy Rosen

Kosher Taco House Buffet Express

Semi-Free Delivery!
401 Dervish Rd. Bestoria.
(771)-662-0990
Nearly No MSG
Health Inspec-

Shanghai Garden Kosher Taco House Buffet Exress

CHECK OUT OUR WEEKLY SPECIALS (SERVED DAILY)
Only 5.95, plus applicable state, federal and local tax, import fees and duties.

MONDAY: Lobster Enchilada Stir-fry
TUESDAY: Chili Cheese Lo Mein
WEDNESDAY: Imitation Crab-Meat and Radish Quessedias
THURSDAY: General Tsao’s Linguini Con Queso
FRIDAY: Country Fried Steak Taco w/ garlic cream sauce
SATURDAY: Bratwurst Dim Sum a la Marinara
SUNDAY: Peking Duck Lasagna with Pesto Meatloaf Fajitas

Above served with choice of braised potato, sauerkraut, or hummus pickle, and choice of barbeque or ranch style dipping sauce (Substitute cottage cheese for jarlsberg for 50 cents)

Add a cup of Garlic Chicken Bisque or Liverwurst Chowder for only 1.99!

ENTREES
Served with radish salad, hummus, pickles and choice of potato salad or goat fried rice.
Chow Fan Paprikash…………………………………………….8.95
Baloney and Muenster Cheese Spring Rolls…………….9.77
Pickled Herring and Cornbeef Lasagna…………………..9.77
Spicy Egg Manicotti con Carne……………………………..8.97
Fried Pork Calzone w/ salsa and jalapenos……………..12.81
Boiled Beef Enchiladas w/ garlic and oil………………..11.71
Barbeque Shrimp Spatzel……………………………………..14.82
Horseradish and Tuna Pizza…………………………………8.23
Cabbage Catatori Quiche Burrito………………………….10.08

A LA CARTE
Barbeque Chicken Knish……………………………1.29
Spaghetti with Matzo Balls…………………………4.67
Penne a la Vermouth………………………………….4.56
Perch Ptarmigan Burrito……………………………..8.71
Soywurst and Cucumber Pananni
(served with vegan salsa mayonnaise)…………..7.61
Fakin’ Bacon Taco with Red Lollo
and vegan cottage cheese substitute………………3.41
Side of pickled eggs (3)………………………………1.00
Side of carrot shavings and yogurt parfait……..1.98
Lemmon Cinnamon Pudding……………………….2.00
Rhubarb Cheesecake…………………………………..2.99

BEVERAGES
Clamato (hot or iced)……………………………………………1.29
Beet Juice……………………………………………………………1.29
Fresh Squeezed Fresca………………………………………….1.89
Bottled Tap Water………………………………………………..1.99
Beer:
Budwizir, Heileitler, Gi Sum………………………..3.00 Bottles
Wine:
Manischewitz Blackberry Zinfandel………………4.50 Glass

How to Do It Jeremy Rosen

Dave Vendel’s Gardening Reminders

Helpful Hints for the Amateur Domicile-Adjacent-Area Horticulturalist

Dave Vendel
Dave Vendel is a Soil and Granule Science expert and member of the Department of the Interior’s Super Soil Action Awareness Team.

Howdy Guys, guess what? It’s spring again and you know what that means. It’s time to dig out that hoe and get those clods a turning. That’s right, it’s time again for all of us gardeners to wage our little wars against nature. So, this month, I’ll be offering some useful information for dealing with those pesky spring gardening problems.

Log Jam
Many small lawns throughout the region occasionally suffer from an affliction termed “log jam.” This unsightly mass of logging castoffs makes many a block party difficult, if not impossible. Log jam makes lawns difficult to traverse, interact upon and mow. Be wary of the snakeoil merchants plying chemical-based solutions to this dilemma. There are no legal controls of such a nature. One may reduce the severity and frequency of the condition by posting armed sentries to control illegal lumber dumps.

Concrete Pest
Check your new concrete walkways for attacks by the orange blood fly. These large flies resemble small flies and will begin laying eggs in your concrete minutes after pouring. An unchecked infestation can result in a pockmarked or wholly non-functional walkway. After the eggs hatch, the giant larvae tunnel out of the con-crete, leaving their molted, gooey exoskeletons on undamaged portions of your lawn walkway. The best solution is to remain vigilant in your yard between March 17 and April 30. Keep a bat handy.

Read the Label
Read the labels of artificial lawn generation products carefully and thoroughly before purchase. Many companies make wild claims about nanotechnology, genetically-engineered “mini-gardeners” or other such artificial methods of lawn creation. Buyer beware! Most such methods do not work, contrary to your intuition.

Hand-Pick Bugs
Look, bugs have been around for so much longer than humanity that you’re just not going to get rid of them, no matter what kind of chemical or pseudo-organic methods you use. The best bet is to hand-pick the type of bug of which you wish to have an infestation. You’ll be better off knowing that you made the choice best for you and the bugs will have a healthy sense of self-worth.

Spring Cleanup for Yards and Gardens
Contrary to the “advice” offered in Poor Richard’s “Almanac,” the home yard or garden is not the best place to dis-pose of deceased relatives, friends or strangers. Corpses can make lawns bumpy and invite pests in gardens. Remember: no corpse, healthy gorse!

Tip o' the Day

Jeremy Rosen Scott Birdseye

An Histronomy Thesis

The Life and Work of Psychologistics Researcher Timothy Leary
By Scott Birdseye (Doctor of Philosophy)

Scott Birdseye
Dr. Scott Birdseye is Head of the Histronomy Department at the Montsylvania College of Agricultural Technology Design Arts. He has two cats; Bumpers and Scruffy.

The continuing story of science, and its interaction with society as a whole, is an account which shows a strong dichotomy between the beloved and revered scientists, and the infamous per-sonalities, known more for their deviance than for their research. Dr. Timothy Leary was one such deviant, who in a time of social conformity and paranoia, sought to bring enlightenment and understanding to the whole of humanity by merging Eastern mysticism, Native-American spirituality, and Western sci-ence. Although Leary’s goals as a psychiatrist were altruistic, his cultural alliances and personal behaviors cost him his university position, and his status within the psychology community, and made the mainstream of both academic and public society hostile to his research efforts and his conclusions.

At a time when Behavioralism rigidly dominated American psychology, Leary went against the mainstream to edge psychology back towards its esoteric and philosophic roots, creating a radical new view of behavior, and helping to usher in important changes in American life.

Though Timothy Leary would eventually become known as the guru of the 1960s Counter-Culture, he spent the decade of the twenties as normally as any other child of the time, his thoughts filled with baseball and images of the Wild West and the Indians who populated it. His time spent at Classical Preparatory High School was filled with extracurricular activities, including trouble making and drinking, which were probably the cause of Leary’s poor academic performance. Classmates have remembered that Leary cared little of others’ opinions of him, but was optimistic, especially during times of punishment.

Low grades and constant scuffles with authority were not brought to an end by his high school graduation in 1938, but rather remained with Leary throughout his subsequent collegiate career. In 1940, Leary entered West Point Military Academy, following his expulsion from Holy Cross College at the end of his freshman year. Westpoint shared much in common with Holy Cross however, regarding its opinion of Timothy Leary. A night of heavy drinking, following the annual Army-Navy game, brought Leary to the attention of the school’s Honor Committee. After refusing to honorably resign, the remainder of Leary’s single year at the Academy was marked by continually hazing, punishment and social isolation, a treatment which soured Leary on both Westpoint and organized authority. In true form, Leary continued his usual behavior at the University of Alabama, although he actually managed to remain enrolled long enough to graduate in 1945, with a degree in psychology. Graduate school in Washington State and doctoral work at Berkeley followed, where Leary focussed on Personality Psychology.

One would be hard pressed to find a decade in which Timothy Leary would be more out of place in than the 1950s, an era of conformity, mass consumerism and paranoia. In his book The Lonely Crowd, sociologist David Riesman described the post-war fifties as a time when Americans began, for the individualist nation’s first time, to view the national strength as more important than the individual’s needs . The collapse of the great Western empires, most notably that of the British, created the Third World, and gave the United States and the Soviet Union a battle ground for the new, nuclear fueled Cold War. Stockpiling of nuclear weapons created, for the first time in history, an atmosphere of Mutually Assured Destruction, in which a nuclear attack by either side would, with retaliatory action by the other, guarantee complete destruction of human kind. With the specter of nuclear annihilation cast over everyday life, paranoia and fear grew exponentially. Nonconformists came under attack, and social and religious harmony became paramount in the minds of most Americans. Church attendance grew enormously, although American religion in the 1950s was less about spirituality and more about civil and social obligation . To be upright and American, an individual was expected to conform to rigid and hostile standards of normality, brought about by simple fear.

His outlaw reputation seemingly behind him, the fifties saw Leary as head of the Kaiser Foundation for Psychology Research, where he explored the long-term effects of psychotherapy on patient outcomes, and came to the conclusion that traditional psychological methods were of little or no value. Other research findings, which described the human personality as made up of component behaviors which were capable of being initially taught and later restructured, led to Leary’s 1957 book Diagnosis of
Personality, which was well received by the academic psychological community.

Don Quixote 3000

The success of his personality theory brought Leary an invitation to a permanent position at Harvard, which he accepted in 1959. His first year at Harvard brought Leary little prominence or notoriety, however, a trip to Mexico the subsequent summer with an anthropological team, whose goal was to study indigenous religious practices, would change his reputation at the university, for it was on this trip that Leary had his first experience with peyote, a native medicinal plant with powerful hallucinogenic properties. Leary returned to Harvard, and with fellow professor George Litwin began a new research project, known as the Concord Prison Experiment, which studied the effects of the hallucinogen psilocybin on the behavior of repeat offender prison inmates with antisocial personalities.

The Concord studies showed that hallucinogenic psychotherapy had a positive effect on the prison population, reducing the incidence of repeat arrests in the test group. The study created controversy however, within the Harvard psychology department, as Leary and Litwin used themselves and their graduate assistants as the control group.

Timothy Leary was not the first psychologist to scientifically experiment with hallucinogenic drugs, nor was he the first to use them in an attempt to heal psychological conditions. Peyote, from which is derived mescaline, and which formed the chemical basis for the synthetic lysergic acid diethylamide 25, or LSD, was first used as a medicinal plant to treat all manner of conditions, and later as a religious substance, acting as the basis for the spiritual rites of the early Native-American cultures who first discovered it. Famed psychologist William James later experimented with peyote, although he drew no particular conclusions as to its psychological use. Peyote’s and LSD’s main effect is to increase serotonin levels in the brain, producing euphoria and producing a psychological action known as synethesia, a distortion of the brain’s recognition of sensory perceptions.

Following the accidental discovery of LSD’s effects, four years after its discovery in 1937, many projects were conducted, most notably by the newly created American Central Intelligence Agency, as to LSD’s psychological effects and potential uses, although the drug did not gain any real notice within the academic community until Leary’s controversial Concord Prison Experiment.

The experiment’s notoriety exploded when Litwin, infuriated by his partner’s breach of ethics, revealed that not only had Leary been using the drugs as part of his research, but also for recreational purposes, and had even been holding parties in which students were invited to use LSD and other drugs, including marijuana. Conflict with those in charge was natural to Timothy Leary, and rather than back down from the familiar authoritarian commands and threats, he continued his informal personal research with LSD, often ignoring the university’s policies and standards outright .

While his reputation at Harvard became further tarnished, international interest in the subject of LSD for use in psychotherapy was growing, and in 1961, Leary was invited to speak at the Fourteenth International Congress of Applied Psychology in Copenhagen. In his speech, he boldly declared that traditional psychology was at an end, and that a new, more existential psychology would be born, a more humanistic science concerned with the conscious mind, rather than with the rote learning of mindless conditioning:

“Up until recently I considered myself a behavioral scientist and limited the scope of my work to overt and measurable behavior. In doing so I was quite in the Zeitgeist of modern psychology…this decision to turn our backs on consciousness is, of course, typically Western… tonight, I speak to you… presenting a theory which is Chinese, in that behavior is seen as an intricate social game; Indian in its recognition of consciousness and the need to develop a more cosmic awareness, and finally Western in its concern to do good measurably well .”

Vegetables

The speech served as a declaration. On August 19, 1961, Dr. Timothy Leary forever broke from mainstream psychology, and began down his own scientific path. Although he was not initially rejected by the psychological community, after Copenhagen, Leary started a journey, the result of which, would be his complete ostracization from the scientific and academic communities.

At the same time that Timothy Leary became frustrated with traditional psychology, many Americans were becoming disillusioned with the conformist culture in which they lived, which relegated women, minorities and those with differing political or religious opinions to a lesser status. As poverty grew in the inner cities due to the white flight to the nation’s growing suburbs, many blacks became disenfranchised within public life, forced into a separate, but unequal, world.

These matters brought an open divide into American culture, blatantly illustrating how post-war prosperity had not reached all members of society. The landmark 1954 desegregation Supreme Court case of Brown vs. Board of Education, brought renewed strength to the ongoing Civil Rights struggle, bringing it out into the open public and giving it massive media attention . The assassination of John F. Kennedy in 1963 only further inten-sified American disillusionment. Many youths saw their parents’ world in an unfavorable light, and used the escalating conflict in Vietnam as a rallying point. Youths, dubbed the Counter-Culture, modeled themselves after the non-conformist Beat Generation, and allied themselves with the Civil Rights Movement and the new psychology on a larger scale than could be accomplished within a university setting.

This new personification however, made Leary even more controversial, and the leaders of Harvard turned him into a villain. In 1963, breaking from university life, Leary traveled the country, exploring the new culture by stopping at free-love communes, Hell’s Angel’s camps, and the homes of poets, writers, musicians, and mystics . A trip to Mexico to seek out one such mystic however, proved disastrous, as Leary was arrested on the U.S. border and was sentenced to thirty years in a federal prison. The drug convictions were too much for Harvard, which fired Leary in 1965. He was subsequently barred from the American Psychological Association. Leary, however, remained optimistic, and after five years in various prisons, and after countless legal battles, escaped from San Luis Obispo Prison and fled to Nigeria.

Free from his academic restraints, Leary began working intensely to formulate and specifically explain his new perspectives on psychology. Ever an outlaw, Leary held a grim, yet optimistic view of society and how it was governed by psychological laws. Society, in this view, functions as a balance between maintenance of the social order and the development of individual con-sciousness . Society, he maintains, is kept ordered by indoc-trinating individuals according to behavioral principals.

Just as Leary held that personality is a construct of learned be-haviors which could be broken down and restructured, so he extrapolated this principal to the whole of society. Society exists as a series of common behaviors which can be both learned and unlearned, however, those who, for whatever reason, fail to learn or unlearn society’s behaviors, they are either mentally restructured or eliminated.

Psychological stress then, stems from an individual’s innate desire to expand their own conscious-ness and society’s refusal to allow such growth. Only by separating an individual from the social order, can psycho-logical health and conscious growth occur. This separation could, according to Leary, be best achieved through the use of LSD in rituals based upon Eastern meditation. Such rituals provide for a temporary break from the ingrained behaviors instilled by society since birth, and allow for a restructuring of the mental process, which enables the individual consciousness to expand without the hindrance of social order.

The LSD experience allows a person to see themselves as an individual, rather than as a part of society, enabling them to achieve a higher level of thought and a greater freedom of behavior, liberated from psychologically harmful societal constraints.

In the Counter-Culture, Leary saw a group of people who were ripe for LSD induced behavioral modification, and began to see the establishment as a master group, in control and enslaving the free individuals through social construction of the mental processes of thought and personality. In a 1974 letter to the Los Angeles Times and the San Francisco Chronicle, Leary advocated a violent revolution by the Counter-Culture in order to free society from its masters, and create a new society, based on principals of conscious-expanding drug use to raise the level of human thought and start a new period in human evolution. Those who knew Leary, however, insisted that the letter was intended only as a final declaration of separation from the normal society, not as a literal advocacy of violence.

The timing of the letter, however intended, caused it to be interpreted literally. Starting in the late 1960s, the Peace Movement, with which Leary was associated, had grown increasingly violent. The race riots following the assassina-tion of Martin Luther King Jr., and the rioting outside the 1968 Democratic Convention were only important benchmarks in an era marked by heightened social unrest and chaos. Frustration with the lack of success in stopping war or in expand-ing civil rights, coupled with the murder of students by the National Guard at Kent State in 1970, caused many fringe groups such as the Symbionese Liberation Army, the Black Panthers, and the Weathermen to believe that peaceful protest had failed and that violent revolution was the only means left to achieving political and social change.

Many people felt that a civil war was inevitable . Thus, when Leary, who was associated with both the Black Panthers and the Weathermen, began to publicly talk of revolution, many people took notice, most notably, the FBI. While most of the would-be revolutionaries were arrested, Leary was merely scrutinized and investigated by the FBI, and managed to avoid serious charges. His reputation as an academic however, was beyond repair. In popular opinion, Tim-othy Leary was seen as a drug guru and spokesman for the dwindling and disappearing Counter-Culture, rather than as a research psychologist. Despite this, Leary continued to be involved in psychological research until his death, and was one of the first to attempt to integrate computers into psychotherapy, psychological testing and bio-feedback.

Assassin Crunch

Since the turbulent days of the 1960s, many researchers have explored the use of LSD and other drugs in psychotherapy. Such research has shown that LSD creates dream-state waves in a conscious individual, and others have claimed that its use activates parts of the brain, which are rarely activated and thought to be normally utilized only in the early stages of infantile development, although, no definitive proof has been shown. The majority of research has shown LSD’s effects to be too unpredictable for use in therapy. Political pressure, no doubt tied to Timothy Leary’s outlaw behavior, has determined that the legal supply of LSD is small and funding for research projects using LSD is rare.

Although Dr. Timothy Leary’s ideas were radical and could have profoundly changed psychology’s views of society’s effect upon the individual mind’s behavioral and cognitive pro-cesses, Leary’s own well practiced anti-authoritarian views and behaviors, came at a time when American culture was caught in a conflict between a potentially dangerous Counter-Culture and a fearful conservative academia and establishment. Leary chose his allies, and as the peaceful move-ments of the mid-sixties grew into the violence of the late-sixties and early-seventies, his fate became sealed, forever one of the Counter-Culture, and never again a part of the university system.

In later decades, the radicals of the sixties embraced mainstream culture, and Leary was left with-out allies, but with a reputation tarnished and destroyed. His achievements in the field of psychology, potentially ground-breaking have been discounted as outlandish and pseudoscien-tific. Though his contributions to the science of psychology are largely ignored, Leary’s radical ideas have made him a part of the larger scope of American culture, as well known in popular society as Freud, Pavlov, or Skinner, but known as a drug guru, rather than as a respected research psychologist.

Ads Jeremy Rosen

AN OPEN LETTER FROM THE C.E.O. AND BOARD OF DIRECTORS OF

Dear Members of the Public,

Daniel Bester Incorporated, the world’s leading industrial consortium, has recently come under fire from certain conspiracy-theory-minded special interests groups, amongst them the U.S. Department of Justice, the Securities and Exchange Commission, and the European Union’s Competition Commission. As unjust and unfounded as the accusations made by these few militant extremists are, and despite the fact that such ridiculous underhanded smear tactics warrant no true attention, we at Daniel Bester Inc. feel that it is our duty to let the members of our product-purchasing public know the truth. Truth is a word that these reactionary extremists do not like to hear, truth is their enemy and they seek to subjugate truth in order to advance their own political agendas. For the sake of the public though, Daniel Bester Inc. cannot allow this happen. Therefore, we must answer these charges so that the truth can be known, and so that these cowards who wrongly attack us with fear tactics, lawsuits, criminal charges and Acts of Congress can see that we are not afraid of them, and are willing to stand up to them for the sake of our public, and our public’s children.

Daniel Bester Inc. has, at no time, ever acted as the front organization for a secret shadow government, specifically not the Masters of the Illuminati.

Daniel Bester Inc. has never employed the Supreme Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church in any official position. While he have great respect for His Holiness, we have never used that office as a tool to advance our corporate missions.

Daniel Bester Inc. has never engaged in any unlawful human cloning experiments. The only human cloning studies we have ever conducted were done in our laboratories in Sau Titlo, an island under the territorial jurisdiction of the Republic of Cosa Nostra, which has no laws regulating, much less outlawing human cloning.

Daniel Bester Inc. has never created artificial virus, biogens, viroids or prions in our laboratories. The creation of artificial organisms and paraorganisms is impossible. For instance, the virus known as TR-89 was not artificially created, rather it was formed by mutating segments of the polio virus, not by creating new paraorganisms from scratch.

We do not play God.

Daniel Bester Inc. was in no way responsible for the recent ousting of Esperian President Ghemel Rotory, nor in the restoration of the Epserian Monarchy. The fact that the newly restored King Simio IV offered our company a tax haven in Esperon as his first official act is entirely coincidental.

Daniel Bester Inc. has never engaged in official meetings with The Arcane, nor have we acted as or claimed to act as the official emissaries and representatives of humanity during said meetings. There is absolutely no truth to the claim that Daniel Bester Inc. engaged in trade activities with The Arcane, nor that Daniel Bester Inc. willingly and openly sold any people in exchange for advanced Arcane weapons technology. Nor is there any truth to the fanciful fiction that Daniel Bester Inc. has acted in concert with The Arcane to replace human political and religious leaders with android or automata replicons.

Daniel Bester Inc. has never engaged in illegal trading policies, insider trading, or artificial manipulation of stock, bond or commodities prices. We would certainly never threaten the life or limb of any member of the New York, London or Tokyo Stock Exchanges, nor members of their families for purely financial gain.

Daniel Bester Inc. has never and will never stockpile nuclear weapons or other weapons of mass or minimal destruction. Nor do we have any facilities in the Colorado mountains which are capable of deploying any such weapons. In is the avowed policy of Daniel Bester Inc. to never deploy or maintain use of “first strike” submarines or orbital weapons platforms.

We hope that this clears the air of rumor, speculation and accusations. And thank you from Daniel Bester Inc. This company has always striven to fight for truth, justice and other such things.

Chief Executive Officer

Daniel Bester

Board of Directors
C. Douglas Borden
Senator (D: Montsylvania)

H.G. Peterson
Poet, Author and Literary Figure

Captain Edward Mitchell
American Space Pioneer

Dave Handerson
Gardening Structural Engineering

Hector McGinty
Congressman (R: West Dakota)

Alan Guthman
Artist and Political Activist

Alice Buckman
Ornithology and Genetics Researcher

David Hewey
M.P. for North Sturrey

Sir William Douglas Hayes
Supreme Air Marshal of the
Royal American Air Corps

Dr. Chester Copperpot
Historian and Explorer

Major Hernando Baptiste Guiverianna
President for Life of the Democratic
Republic of Cosa Nostra

Emile Legartho
Esperanto Ambassador to the
United Nations