Classified Ads: Apros 2007

Tire iron, jack and spare tire needed to sit in my car trunk in case of emergency. No pay or time off provided. Sally Macgregor, Attenborough, Scotland. Ring top bell.

Some sort of smelly whale effulgence I found. €20. Joao Dafrixo, third dinghy on the right, Feces de Abaixo, Portugal.

Saint Polycarp’s day. Isn’t of much use to us at the moment. $235 billion per millennium or best offer. Cardinal William Joseph Levada, Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Piazza del S. Uffizio, 11, 00193 Rome, Italy

Electrode alarm clock. Simply attach electrodes to suitable part of the body and set the alarm. £39.98. Alarm clock not included. J. P. Smiley, President, Matthew Sweet Fan Club, P.O. Box Dendrite, Alamathia, EL, 00036.

Used ball of masking tap with some paint involved. Roughly four inches in diameter. $5.00 or best offer. Call Scott, Room 2, Queens, New York.

Dead bass player and drummer needed to form band in Heaven with Thom Yorke. Radiohead c/o Columbia Records, Hollywood, CA.

Used Chapstick, raspberry flavor. Approximately 1/3 of tube left. $7.00 or best offer. Hammer, Box 304.

Alamo needed to fall to Mexican Army on March 6th, 1936. Possible promotion to Museum and/or historical site. State of Texas, ring top bell.

Six legged race horse. Runs 33.33% faster than an ordinary horse. Chernobyl Horse Farm, Chernobyl, Ukraine.

Life sized model of 104 Statesboro Street, Macon, GA, a lovely old, Antebellum, Neo-Georgian two storey. It’s made of plastic, interlocking blocks, whose trademarked named I need not mention. Perfect for any serious collector of Macon building replicas. £1000.00 plus two sheep. R. Murray, Donaldson Flats MV.

Statue of Reginald McDonald, inventor of button holes. $4.00 per hour, minimum of ten hours. No grease may be applied to statue surface. Forgrave Statue Leasing, Buxom, PD.

Nincompoop, 3rd Class. Melissa Folger, Box 408.

100 tons of paste so that I can start my own paste company. Nills Forman, 103 Boxle Street, Cumming, AL.

Yorbo Linda, CA, so that I can rename it after my hero, Napoleon and rule as regent over the Grand Duchy of Napo Linda. My brother Lee can be a Viceroy. Rory Alabaster, Pigot Falls, NY.

Goat shackles. Free fifty-pints of beet pudding included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1.

Water. Lots of water. 1 penny per bucketload. Hurry, please hurry. The facet is broken and I can’t turn it off. Cherry Love, 392 West Whitaker Lane, Nimbus, AK.

Former Senator Al Gore needed to stand in my front yard, admiring buckets. I have many nice buckets and just don’t feel that they’re being properly admired. Yalley Festerthyme, Monkeyglove, LA.

Yarborough Valley High School Varsity Lacrosse Jersey from 2009. When 2009 comes around, please send to Brewster Buffalo Mulch Corporation, P.O. Box 327, Simi Valley, CA 93062

One ventricular artery. It’ll be like we’re conjoined twins or something. Should be fun. $25 per day. Please provide own blood. Call Winston Carbuncle at 212-695-7200.

Fifty Ways to Annoy D. Alan Stahl

  1. Secretly replace his wife Sheila with Asimo.
  2. D. Alan Stahl loves mustard. Steal his mustard.
  3. Make fun of his career as an Erection Consultant.
  4. Use chalk to draw miniature Nazca lines on his floor.
  5. Call him at home and insist that your coupon for a fried chicken sandwich be honored.
  6. Sell his children, Rachel and Peter, to Gypsies.
  7. Offer to play the Civil War board game The War in Virginia with him. Then, just after the third round, complain about the game dynamics and say you’d rather play Battleship.
  8. Build non-working miniature steam engines and tell him to fix them.
  9. Break his son’s balsa wood glider.
  10. Decorate his yard with campaign signs for non-existent candidates.
  11. Rearrange all the books in his library. Organize them by number of items in the index.
  12. Make him a nice cup of coffee, but with heavy water instead of regular water.
  13. Remove one prong from all his forks.
  14. For his birthday, give him sub-standard mustache wax imported from Laos.
  15. Log onto Call of Duty, find his character “Zeke Anderson” and administer a field court marshal under the 41st Article of War.
  16. Place a single kernel of corn inside each of his ice cubes.
  17. Pour liquid nitrogen over his glasses, so that when he tries to put them on they just shatter.
  18. Replace the prescription lenses in his spectacles with ordinary glass. Then tell him about a new, horrible airborne virus that causes vision problems.
  19. Put those self-relighting candles on his birthday cake.
  20. Repeat everything he says.
  21. Throw rocks at his house.
  22. When you talk to him, speak every other sentence in Vietnamese.
  23. Using Photoshop®, create labels for his homemade beer. Call it “Stupidweiser.”
  24. Sneak into his glove box and improperly fold all his maps.
  25. Call him late at night and thank him for telephoning the Big Apple.
  26. Pretend to press on various parts of the dashboard of his restored VW bug.
  27. When he brings you home as a respectable person to date his daughter, pretend to be gay.
  28. Call him a Nazi. When he denies this, point out the Nazi memorabilia on his shelving.
  29. Tell him he’s a poor dog owner. Point out all the dogs Peter went through.
  30. Rearrange his backyard workshop. For extra annoyance, put a few realistic sex toys on his tool wall.
  31. Put some lye on a patch of his lawn in order to make it yellow.
  32. Refuse to tell him his kids are smoking, even for $20.
  33. Repaint his breakfast nook with African imagery.
  34. Act unimpressed when his neighbour shows you his bomb shelter.
  35. Tell him his polystyrene foam plane with built-in motors and batteries is “okay.”
  36. Put a faux burned skeleton at the site of his next consultation.
  37. Talk to him about electrical engineering, but mix up amps and ohms.
  38. Put fake blood on his WWII memorabilia, then tell him it’s now more valuable.
  39. Mix some cinnamon in with his homemade beer before he brews it.
  40. Call him Davey.
  41. When he starts getting irritated, switch to calling him Davey in the voice of Goliath from Davey and Goliath.
  42. Tell him he reminds you of gay pornography star Moishe Lembelbach.
  43. Talk to him in fake German.
  44. While it’s an easier way to annoy his daughter, regale him with stories from Rachel’s teenage years.
  45. Hold an anti-pollution protest in front of his house.
  46. Paint one of the white pickets in his fence red.
  47. Prance around the house in his wife’s beauty pageant crown and her bathrobe.
  48. Tell him that someone with his qualifications would have no trouble finding a top-flight job in either the food service or housekeeping industries.
  49. Leave a line of shopping carts with lawn gnomes in his yard.
  50. In your message in his daughter’s yearbook, call him a weirdo.

Katie Stalin in UFO Country


Back at the bus station, I was playing poker for vending machine sandwiches with this guy who said his name was Eddie. After I cleaned him out by winning two tuna fish and one ham-and-cheese, he told me a really weird story about how aliens came and abducted him and put a microchip in his head. He even showed me his scars. But when he offered to show me other stuff, I hit him in the jaw with a hot sauce bottle and went to catch my bus to San Francisco.

I was really excited to be heading out to the City by the Bay. Not because of Alcatraz or gay, Chinese hippies, but because I had six hours of McLaughlin Group podcasts on my D-Vice™. I just love the way he says “bye bye” at the end of each show. He’s old and wrinkly, but, hell, I’d shack up with him just because he’s so weird. I mean, can you imagine what it would be like if he took you out to dinner? I bet he drives waiters nuts.

Then I got to thinking about what Eddie told me about the aliens. Questions danced through my mind; you know like the watusi or the mashed potato. Were there really such things as aliens? Real aliens, from outer space, not the Mexican ones, which are from Mexico. I figured I would need to make a stop in Roswell, New Mexico. Back in 1947, an alien space ship crash landed there and the government lied about it. It seems that the same type of big-headed gray aliens have been coming to Earth for years to abduct people and stick medical instrument in them, kind of like dentists, but not as scary.

Unfortunately, the bus stop was thirty miles from Roswell. It seems that New Mexico is made of desert, which is like the beach, except that there aren’t any oceans nearby and there definitely aren’t any cute life guards. So, I hitchhiked for a bit. Showing a little leg worked, and I got a ride with this guy named Colonel Stevens, who told me he worked at Groome Lake and said he was in Roswell to visit relatives and not for any official purpose. He had a stupid mustache that kind of made him look gay.

Speaking of gays, I was supposed to be in San Francisco, which seemed like it would be more fun than a bunch of sand. So, I had him drop me off at the airport and I bought a plane ticket with his credit card. Maybe I shouldn’t have had his credit card, but since he totally tried to look down my shirt I stole his brief case and it had his credit card in it. I bought myself some cool stuff from the airport gift shop, too, including a decorative Las Vegas spoon made of melted poker chips.

I looked through his papers on the plane, but it was just a bunch of boring crap about “reverse engineering of alien thruster control nozzles.” Sounds stupid. Why not regular engineering? Well, I didn’t solve the mystery of aliens, but did you know that in the first class section they totally give you these awesome hot towels to put on your face? I took two and then stole all the magazines from the chair in front of me. They also give you a ton of liquor without checking your ID.

I made it to San Francisco okay, but I had to listen to this fat dude bitch about how they charged him for a second seat just because he was fat. I was pretty happy he was sitting across the aisle. It was worth it, though, because the guy sitting next to him ended up clocking him around the second hour. His name was Mark and I got his phone number before we disembarked. I’ll probably meet him at one of those places in San Francisco with a Spanish name in a couple of days.

So Roswell was pretty cool, because had I not gone there I wouldn’t be able to read this great magazine I took. It has an article about turtles and turtles are way better than aliens any day.