Classifieds: Tiberium 2007

Hummus, tabouli and babaganush. Nose Ring Girl no longer interested. Contact Perry, LA, CA. Rice cakes also available for minimum fee.

Vertically halved carrot. $4.00 per day. Vichnan, Pan. Oostle, NH.

Groucher needed to be grouchy. Must stand, arms crossed, face scowled for seven dollars per hour. Bonus for angry grumbling. Cleveland Municipal Government, Box 3, Cleveland, OH.

Aimee Echo handler needed to handle Aimee Echoes. Must walk Aimee Echoes, feed them and clean them of parasites. Must have license and full insurance. Bill Thompings, 7248-54-5955-547-548-1. ext. B.

Striped pants. Size 11. Will pay up to $43.00 for lycra or cotton. Must be horizontal stripes. Chinflap O’Connor, Box 809.

Victor Hugo’s remains in a burlap sack. $300.00, sack $5.00 extra. L’remains Disposoir, Paris France, EU.

Storage bin for holding the remains of 19th Century French authors. Solid oak, with separate drawers for all major limb bones including the tibia. $5.00 per month. Skeeky, Box 204.

Bronze bust of William “Wild Bill” Donovan, must be at least twelve feet tall and made of bronze and be only a bust, not the whole body. $5,000 for bronze bust. Must be of William Donovan. Rector Michaelis, Route 4, Biloxi, MI.

One Apnea for use in photo shoots featuring scantily clad kind of a weird looking girl who certain people find rather attractive. Tattoo of boxes on arm. $3000 or best offer. Phillip Picnic, Houston, TX.

Umlaut to go over a “U” in my band’s official name. Will pay up to $30.00 per dot. Hemlutt the band, Box 809.

Eight hundred and seven candid photographs of Betty White playing billiards. Free Manchester United commemorative tumbler included. £500.00. Gordon Brown, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1.

Audio recording of a pickle (Kosher dill). Pickle sits on counter making no audible noise for one hour. Available on 8-track, tape, CD, LP, minidisk or MP3. Hippo Records, Box 811o5.

Spacious shoe box, perfect for storing excess pair of shoes. $1.00 per year. Stu Violet, Stu’s Boxes, Hemper’s Flapping, RI. 85488-98-54756.

Sexually promiscuous and trusting hot blonde girl with big tits and nice ass needed to give me directions to Cork. I’m trying to visit the birthplace of author Virgil Buckfuller, but I don’t know how to get there. Will say thank you in a nice voice and nod politely. Nigel Fraps, 32 rue Flace, 75001 Paris.

Classic brand of beer revived by modern brewery as watered-down spittoon swill. Please send twelve first-class stamps to Amy Galveston, 385 Leyte Ave. Romaniaville, EL 00347

Blue-haired hottie to help me find my dentures, crack walnuts for me (I have arthritis), and gratify me every 6-12 weeks sexually. Herbert Denster, Plenipotentiary Convalescent Residence, W. 14th St., Brazzaville, NY 11117

Reproduction cargo cult fetish necklace made from beer can tabs, wing nuts, and bicycle inner tube patches. Only $37!!! Call Barry P. at 703-966-0402.

The corpses of Abbot & Costello for an after-dinner engagement. Free dessert. Tony Brummel 346 N. Justine St., Suite 504, Chicago, IL 60607

One plate of cold, roast mutton. Come on by the kitchen window at 233 Mulver St. You won’t be disapointed.

Fifty Useful Things

1. Scratch-proof linoleum
2. Bread slice sized sandwich bags
3. Undies that dispense talc
4. Magazine insert vacuum
5. Dirt-repellent paint
6. Flopless flip flops
7. Freckle ointment for pale-skinned girls without freckles
8. Self-polishing leather
9. Quiet packing tape dispensers
10. Something, anything, to replace grout
11. Deodorant application flaps in t-styled shirts
12. Nail clippers that can do the job in one clip
13. Odor- and taste-free lubricated condoms
14. Universal inclusion of sales tax on all price tags.
15. An air conditioner that just fits
16. A tin beverage can that doesn’t leave a sip of liquid at the bottom
17. Boot-height loafers for old men who insist on wearing loafers with calve-length socks and shorts
18. Subway doors that withstand leaning
19. Homeless people armed with air horns to scare off pigeons
20. A human spine which is completely adequate for upright walking
21. AM radio that penetrates obstacles
22. Adequate training for bassists on bass line construction
23. One city willing to fully-commit to the grid system
24. Non-dribble spoons
25. Anti-gravity bread crumbs
26. A cell-phone that doesn’t need to be advertised.
27. Celebrities without personal lives.
28. Intelligent goth girls.
29. Non police car related metaphors for explaining the Doppler Effect and Red Shift.
30. A zombie movie that actually avoids every single Zombie movie cliché.
31. Forks that magnetically attract those last few peas or grains of rice.
32. An alarm clock that wakes you up with the smell of frying bacon.
33. Mid-Def for those who feel broadcast isn’t enough but aren’t quite ready for high definition television.
34. Neck ties for sloths.
35. Glow in the dark Norse figurines for playing Viking Raid in the dark.
36. Attractive gargoyles for those easily frightened by cathedral architecture.
37. Feeling bad after being shot down by the girl at the party insurance with complete blonde coverage.
38. Special corsages for accountants to wear on Arbour day.
39. Pants with asbestos reinforced seats for use with jet packs.
40. Idiot repellent.
41. A pope who supports birth control.
42. A little box on the TV news that tells you how likely you are to actually come to harm, much less die, from the latest health scare.
43. Double yo-yos with two strings and three separate orbs.
44. A third option besides the regular chutes and ladders.
45. Extra strength minty toe paste for when you scrub your toes with your toe brush.
46. Z-rays that allow you to see the outside of objects.
47. Tepid seeking missile.
48. Special stamps commemorating 150 years of philatelics.
49. A new Polish folk dance sensation to replace the aging Flyk Cryzok.
50. The cure for cancer.

Katie Stalin in Templeton


I came to Templeton, Accadia because of its reputation as the relationship advice capital of the world. according to the Relationship Advice Weekly Circular, anyway. My editors say they get a lot of mail about my love life as described in this magazine. That really made me want to stab all of you in the eyes with mechanical pencils and then click the end a lot so that the lead went all the way back into your brain. It also made me decide to peep Templeton and get some questions answered.

My first stop was at Love Success Publications, Ltd., home of Jimmy Gwaltney the famous relationship advice author and lecturer. I met with Jimmy, who is apparently a fan and provided some stupendous nachos during the interview as well as some nice Mexican suds. Anyway, I asked him my first question: “What does it mean when a guy says he wants to have sex with me?” This is kind of where the interview started to go downhill because he laughed at me.

“So, okay, maybe that’s too obvious,” I said. “What about if he asks me out to dinner. What does that mean?”

Jimmy seemed to choke a bit before answering that “pretty much any time a guy says something to you that he doesn’t have to, he wants to have sex with you.” Then he laughed some more. Shortly before I broke his arm for that, he tried to qualify that by saying guys were interested in talking and companionship sometimes. Then I had to hightail it out of there as the receptionist heard all the breaking glass when I tossed all of Jimmy’s awards through the window and smelled the smoke from the fire I set using his copies of his latest book as kindling.

I stole some keys on my way out. Turns out one of them was to this sweet Japanese motorcycle out front. So I took that for a spin, picked up a strawberry shake at a drive through, but then tossed it into oncoming traffic as I ran a red light because it tasted like cardboard. Sorry about that truck, guys. Hope that ASPCA van came through okay.

So I took this opportunity to visit one of the many freelance relationship experts whose offices dot Templeton. Mistress Bitney Jones-Kopaceki had a great place with this huge, plush, red couch and lots of incense, so I totally felt right at home. We cracked open a bottle of red wine and I got down to business.

“If a guy doesn’t call me five minutes after we’ve gotten off the phone, does he hate me?”

Mistress Bitney confirmed that, yes, if a guy doesn’t call you back within five minutes he probably thinks you’re ugly. I also found out that if he doesn’t want to spend six hours chatting on the phone or via instant messenger late into the night, he’s probably sleeping with other people. I knew it!

My last stop was with sex and relationship therapist Stanleyetta Johnstone. See, I’d had this really weird hookup back in Albuquerque I wanted to ask about. I almost didn’t make it to Johnstone’s spacious office with the interior waterfall because I had to stop off at the candy store. And, of course, they were real turds when I was walking around sampling the different sweets in there. Of course the rage just took over and I cracked open that emergency fire hose in the corner and let it rip. Have fun restocking that inventory boys!

But anyway, like I was saying, I was in Johnstone’s office sitting next to this awesome waterfall and I had to get the last question off of my chest.

“If we’re having sex, and I’m just laying there like a starfish not responding for five minutes, and he starts asking me if this feels good, or if that feels good, or if there’s something else I’d like him to try, does that mean he’s not really attracted to me?” And boy if the answer isn’t yes.

I had the feeling that going to Templeton would clear up for me the fact that guys are scumbags and I got the answers I was looking for. Men! Just for that I just might head up to Dry Michigan, known as “The American Isle of Lesbos.” See you next month!