Ask Montezuma: December 2004

Advice from Beyond the Grave

Montezuma II

Montezuma II is back from his won-derful vacation last month and if greatly refreshed and ready to take on the day, so to speak. Montezuma II and Axes & Alleys regretfully inform our readership that a continued column by guest advice-giver Montezuma I is not possible at this time.

Dear Montezuma,

I was really good at musical theater, but then I gave it up. I had performed all the great parts; John’s butler in “A Tuna Passes to the North,” Abigail in “Disco Temblor” and even Deric Ventress in the great 1930s smash-hit “Destiny Pilots a Metaphor.”

For the last several years I’ve been working as a Wall Street analyst for a company I shall not name. I make a lot of money, live comfortably, but am unhappy because this is the life my parents wanted for me. Recently I was offered the part of Robert Drejer’s understudy in a high-school friend’s production of “Cleave to Me Oh Petty Officer.”

The pay scale is somewhat less than my current occupation and the job is full-time. In taking the positions, I’d have to find a smaller home and scrimp on luxuries. My parents will be unhappy and my car model girlfriend will probably leave me for my team-partner Gary. Should I rewrite the classic blocking for the scene where Robert tries on sun dresses at the Alsacien Boutique?

So Proud Here In North Charleston Township Emergency Room


The character of Robert Drejer launched the careers of so many fine actors and distinguished pedestrians. The scene where Robert passes out from the excruciating pain of his hangnail when Marian spills lemonade on his sandals was a paramount performance coup for Bollywood it-boy Chandershekreman Rikutaporti.

The metaphysical implications of Robert’s choice of bow-tie over the bolo tie when he marries Andrea though he is still in love with Henry required the most subtle approbation of the choice of tie that the successful performance of such by Mike Zemin led to his lauded career as a Palmolive spokesmodel.

M. Smethurst, whom you may recall to memory as the founder of the Obnoxious school of acting, so astounded Queen Elizabeth II when he portrayed the aching loss of Robert’s pet salamander in the S-Mart shopping aisle that she stood up at the curtain and declared a 10 day national period of thanksgiving in Smethurst’s honour.

Alas, the poorly articulated performance of Robert Drejer by several actors has resulted in their loss of career and virtual non-existence in the theatrical and greater world. The actor formerly known only as Dan, you shant remember him because of his poor performance, is now relegated to taming pygmy hippopotami at a Venezuelan sweat-zoo.

Aaron Warner, last seen completely fumbling Robert’s elegant monolog on trusses, currently resides in a size 40 refrigerator box on the Nova Scotia coast. Once quite popular in Africa as a character actor, Jimmy Birdseed is now blessed with three mortgages and teaches high school remedial physical education in South Carolina. Again, as you likely don’t remember, his great beard and bald pate completely ruined the scene where Robert is assaulted and robbed by countless be-leathered homosexuals in a Baltimore strip mall and mini-amusement park.

These are a few of the thespiatric road kill left in the wake of a poor Robert Drejer performance. Remember that the sun dress scene is the pivotal portion of the second act and serves to illu-minate and enlighten, as well as elucidate and expound, Robert’s utilitarian ennui and post-pointillist angst. Keep this and the occurrences mentioned above in mind as you make your decision.


Dear Montezuma,

My friend Frank and me was talking and we gots ter this thing. See, he says ya can’t run off on no tangent wit no bullwhip tryin ter find a dead horse. I says ya can. He says ya can’t. Then he takes my juice. Now, I gots ter thinking maybe he were jus tryin to distrect me from that there juice wit his horse-talkin. Whaddya think?

Ernie Anastos

Mr. Anastos,

I am a bit curious as to what kind of juice you were drinking. Was it orange? Another kind of citrus drink? Perhaps an ade of some sort? Or maybe you were consuming an apple beverage, perhaps a cider or an apple-cranberry admixture. This columnist is truly baffled. Could it have been one of the exotics, such as guava or mango? Or was it a mixture of exotics, like Caribbean Punch surprise? I really would like to know more about the juice because it is most certain that such knowledge would help me gain a better understanding of your situation. Perhaps Frank was trying to point you in the right direction, a direction whence you may come to comprehend the inscrutable. Certainly his classic example signifies such a stance. However, the juice thievery places an odour of chicanery about the whole exchange. Write me with this information when it is to your convenience and I will answer further in a future column.

Dear Montezuma,

I have 3 and a half feet of rope, a litre of petrol, 12 stone of dried barley, an air conditioner of 4500 British Thermal Units, a 3 cubit restaurant-style aluminum roasting pan, 7 2-count packages of wooden dowels, a 14,000 lumen camping light, 6 molar Hcl, a baker’s dozen of ornamental iron column capitals, 1703 lingen berries, an angstrom of electromagnetic radiation, 3 wallet chains, a murder of Lithuanian crows, a pair of catheters, 2 pints of caulk, 2 drams of synthetic oil, 1 penny-weight of palladium, a perch of schist, 1 scruple of cupric carbonate and a large plastic container of unspecified odds and ends. How many more pounds of sand do I need?

Rodney Iles


A wise man (there are many of these, but this one was particularly wise) once said that 5 drams of synthetic oil could get you to the Faroe Islands and back, no problem. I am inclined to be agreeable with this man. Clearly, one should also be searching for a 12 molar concentration of acid. Avogadro was also a wise man, but he was notoriously miserly. The sage creator originated our species, if you are in fact human, with two representatives. You should consider the same for your marooned penny-weight of palladium. As you can see, with these changes no sand is necessary.

The March of Progress: December 2004

Submarine Aircraft Carrier Hybrid Craft Remarkable Failure

Jeremy Rosen
Sir Jeremy-Joseph Rosen, Bart. VC. is Caretaker of the Crown Spoons Collection for Her Majesty.


Secretary of the American Naval Kreigsmarine (SECAMNAK) Grand Admiral Alouicious R. Humphrey announced yesterday, with a published report, that the United States will no longer seek the deployment of the experimental submersible aircraft carrier. Following weeks of testing in the North Atlantic, the project was finally scrapped after no fewer than seven F-3.14 “Cascading Walnut” air superiority aircraft failed to take off from the deck of the submerged aircraft carrier. The first of the submarine carriers, CVJ-01 the USS Al Gore, returned to its base at Norfolk, Virginia where it will be converted into a cargo transport.

Project Orient officially began in 1996, when the Pentagon drew up plans for a submersible aircraft deployment ship which was to act as the center of a new submersible fleet group to operate worldwide. The strategic aim of the project was the creation of an advanced fleet group undetectable to enemy satellites, which could project American military power globally. Throughout the next eight years this dream would become a reality, except for the fact that the prototype submersible carrier suffered from many design failures.

In May of last year, the initial testing of the Al Gore led to the destruction of three airplanes, when the pilots were unable to land properly on the submarine’s small flight deck. While initially the Navy chalked this crashes up to pilot error, a later inquiry revealed that the two hundred and thirty foot long deck provided insufficient space for the landing of aircraft. Even when eighty four separate braking cables were installed the carrier project continued to suffer from problems, as planes equipped with the necessary eighty four tail-hooks proved difficult to maneuver, especially on landing.

Despite the difficulties and design problems, the second phase of testing began in January of this year, when four separate take-off attempts were made by aircraft from the “Yellow Jacket” Squadron of the First Naval Air Wing. The first two tests went swimmingly, as the catapult launched aircraft were able to easily take off. The submerged take-offs however, proved far less successful. Modifications made to the Walnuts to allow submerged operation, including the oxygen tanks attached to the front of the jet intakes and the large valves added to the aft burners to allow combusted gasses to escape while keeping water out, made to planes too unwieldy for flight. The second tests, with highly modified rocket powered Walnuts were also unsuccessful, leaving four experimental craft lying at the bottom of the Atlantic.

In recent article in the Navy Proceedings announced the final death of the Al Gore project. Admiral Humphrey addressed the program’s critics, many of whom had long claimed that a submersible aircraft carrier was just stupid. “Yes,” the Admiral stated in the report “Now that I think about it, it was a really stupid idea. I’m not sure what we were thinking.”

U.S.S. Al Gore

How to Do It

with regular commentator Lemuel lebratt

By Permanent Guest-Commentator Marcia Spatzelberg

Marcia Spatzelberg

With the current situation in America these days, you can’t help but feel more secure with a tiny, miniature version of your house underground in the subterranean section of your background. So, grab a spade and let’s get working.

Step 01
Dig a big hole. Line the sides of the hole with corrugated tin (easily obtained from the roofs of the hovels in your city’s shanty town district). Then, put a lid on it and cover the whole thing back over with dirt. Make sure to leave a door. New sod will restore your lawn to its pre-survivalist bunker glory.

Bomb Shelter

Step 02
You’ll need some basic survival items. A generator is a good thing to have on hand. That way you can have electric powered light instead of having to relying on your candle-making skills, which probably aren’t that good unless you happen to be employed as the candle-making lady at Colonial Williamsburg. You’re also going to need a lot of water, and if you’re like me, you’re gonna want tequila as well. Limes go well with tequila. Canned foods are good, but you’ll need a can opening tool, which can often be obtained as part of a set. If you join the Swiss Army they will issue you a multi-purpose tool called a Swiss Army Knife, which has a can-opener included. Any supermarket, check your local phonebook for supermarkets in your area, sells canned food. Canned food comes in many varieties, although the most popular are olives, pineapple chunks in syrup, collard greens, French cut green beans, herring, sardines, beets, chickpeas, sliced peaches, apricots, string-beans, mustard greens, red beans, Spam, corned beef hash, pink salmon, tuna, clam juice, chicken broth, tomato sauce, lobster pieces, mushrooms, pineapple juice, orange juice concentrate, baby corn, jalapeno peppers, refried beans, artichoke hearts, white potatoes, and Beef-a-Roni, which is a macaroni and beef dish native to Italy. Cigarettes and porn will also help you through the lonely nights, or if you’re afraid of committing Onan’s sin, you might pick up a Russian lady or gentleman from one of those internet sites or catalogues. Twine is also good, because, you never know.

Canned Goods

Step 03
Survive and live on to build a new society on the ruins of the old.

Remains Spatula

Verse for the Masses

with H.G. Peterson

Papal Love Song

H.G. Peterson
H.G. Peterson is the founder and former-Viceroy of the British colony of East Sungir. Besides being a Pulitzer Prize and Peabody Award winning poet, he also collects potato chips shaped like cast members of the television show Maude.

I see him walking down St. Peter’s Square
His bulbous nose, his short white hair
His golden robes, his pointy hat
I think “I’ve got to get me some of that”

If only he would talk to me
I’d tell him how I’d want him to be
I want to be with him forever
Spending our days and nights together

We would go out in the morning sun
Through the streets of Rome searching for fun
And long after the sun sets in late afternoon
Together we’ll gaze up at the moon

Under the bullet proof plastic dome
I would whisper in his ear my love poem
And as he got turned on by my rhymes
We’d get in the backseat and have a good time

Then back in the walls of Vatican city
Where the sunlight makes him look so pretty
We’d dance until the sun rise came
And I would say his name…

John Paul, I love you, I want you to know
That I think our love should grow
And we should always be together too
Just hanging out, me and you

Pontiff, my pope, with your big pointy chapeau
I really want to jump your bones
Get me some of that wild and rough papal action
Ram you so hard you break a hip, and end up in traction

But I would come to hospital to visit you
Then you would know that my love is true
And you would look down at me with your big glassy eyes
Saying “I love you, and that is no lie”

Then you cough a little, because you’re so old
But then you speak again, you’re voice noble and bold
Holding my hand you say “You know, laddy
Why don’t you tell me, who’s yer daddy?”

Then we’d make love in that hospital bed
So eager and free that you’d end up dead
Because like I said, you’re really old and frail
But still you’re my idea of a hot sexy male

Then I’d take your withered member and put in my mouth
Till in total ecstasy my name you’d scream out
Your heart would ache, you’d beg me for more
I’d ram your ass till you moaned like a whore

With these thoughts on my mind, I watch you on the balcony
And for a moment I think, you look right at me
Then you go right back to conducting your mass
And I just melt, thinking about your hot papal ass.

I love you, John Paul…call me.

Pope John Paul II