Monthly Archives: March 2006

Classifieds: Gregor 2006

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FOR SALE
Iron tomato. Looks like a tomato but is made of iron. Also available: regular tomatoes in thick iron casing. Bob, box 206.

FOR RENT
Grand Army of the Potomac. Includes cavalry, scouts, fully limbered artillery, many infantry regiments. Available with choice of leaders including Meade, Grant and McClellan. Owner assumes no liability if army is outmaneuvered by Lee. $400 per day, plus mules.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Balloon pilot needed for race around the world. We’ll meet at Leicester Square on the morrow. The Queen, herself, will drop the flag.

WANTED
I need granola for sexual purposes. Please do not make me elaborate here. Just get me the granola. M.N. Glue, Bonanza, KY.

FOR SALE
Edible hovercraft. Made entirely of beets and beet paste. Will trade for borscht B-17. Call 74-091-11 for details and price list.

WANTED
Proof of the existence of a race of aliens who live in helicopters and communicate via various sauces. Will pay $5.95 per day.

FOR SALE
Haunted Boeing 707. Ghost of Himmler haunts the aircraft’s lavatory. Will appear to swarthy looking passengers and offer half-hearted apologies for the Holocaust. Looks at shoes, mumbles a quick ‘sorry about that thing.’ Don’t think he really means it. $123,456.78 or best offer. Lufthansa, Berlin EU.
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Best Mart

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THE MARCHING FORWARD OF THE PROGRESS
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER SOLUTION
TO HIGH PRICES

best mart

Trebuchet, Long Island– No one likes going to the store and having to stand in long lines just to pay high prices for cheap junk. For years, scientists have attempted to solve the plague of High Prices and low value merchandise at retail stores throughout the nation.

Well, now a group of scientists have released a new study. Sounds kind of boring right? Think again. The study shows that consumers, just like you, can now benefit greatly thanks to new discoveries in the field of Bargainology.

The study shows that Best-Mart offers the most high quality, brand name, state of the art merchandise at the lowest prices. Also, it says, Best-Mart, with its more than 11,000 locations nationwide, provides the most convenient shopping experience for consumers just like you.

As science shows, Best-Mart is, quite simply, the best. If you’re looking for a great shopping experience that won’t put a dent in your pocket book, scientists say head down to your local Best-Mart. It’s been scientifically proven: Best-Mart gives you superior value, great service and the best prices you’ll find anywhere.

Just like science says “Best-Mart has the best value, the best prices and is, quite simply, the best.”

BEST-MART
The scientifically-proven retail wonder.

Katharine Towne

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Katharine Towne

Though you may not know it, Katharine Towne is an exciting actress who has appeared in many films and television programs. With her amazing spunkiness and near super human ability to deliver sarcasm, she has won the hearts and minds of the nation. We’ve compiled over two thousand interesting facts about Katharine Towne, but have whittled it down to ten, because ours is a decimal culture. So, enjoy these Katharine Towne facts and enjoy the work of Katharine Towne.

  1. Unfortunately, Katharine Towne has never had a staring role, except in the shortly lived series MYOB. Luckily Katharine Towne has managed to bring her particular brand of pugnacious attitude to all of her minor roles.
  2. Katharine Towne does appear naked in the movie Go, one of her few brunette roles.
  3. Katharine Towne appeared in the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, in the episode “Freshman.” While her portrayal of the vampire Sunday was amazing, she really should have been cast as the Fifth Season Big Bad, Glory. Katharine Towne would have been perfect for the part of Glory.
  4. Several lackluster movies, such as Anarchist’s Cookbook, Evolution, The Bachelor, She’s All That, and What Lies Beneath feature nothing of interest apart from Katharine Towne’s brief onscreen appearances.
  5. Several good movies, such as Go, and But I’m a Cheerleader, benefited greatly from having Katharine Towne in the cast.
  6. In the Lindsay Lohan movie Mean Girls, the part of the artistic fag-hag friend should have been played by Katharine Towne. In fact, Katharine Towne should get royalties any time this type character appears in a movie. As Carly Simon said, nobody does it better than Katharine Towne.
  7. When the foolish magazine Maxim did a pictorial of Katharine Towne, they made her look like every other girl in their pages; a stupid, blonde, tanned ditz. They failed to capture everything that makes Katharine Towne so wonderful.
  8. Katharine Towne has a cleft chin, which is highly erotic.
  9. Katharine Towne’s husband, Charlie Hunnam is the luckiest man on earth for being allowed to marry a woman as amazing as Katharine Towne.
  10. Katharine Towne served as Honorary Grand Marshall of the Katharinetowne Day Parade in Katharinetowne, West Dakota. Katharinetowne, West Dakota was not named for Katharine Towne, rather it was named for Lady Katharine Sandwich.

21 Ways to Bore Yourself

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Chimp with Paddle
by Rani Stupunagerkee

Mr. Stupunagerkee was an early supporter of forced reverse-vasectomies. His untimely death this past January saddened and surprised the Axes & Alleys staff. Not a one of us believed that Nostradamus’ Century X, Quatrain 99 “La fin le loup, le lyon, boeuf & l’asne, Timide dama seront auec mastins, Plus ne cherra à eux la douce manne, Plus vigilance & custode aux mastins,” referred at all to our dear Ran Ran.
  1. Get an empty soup, vegetable or beer can. Place it on a table. Turn it over.
  2. Engage a mongoloid in conversation. (do not attempt if not equipped with gas viewing hole)
  3. Do not use a screwdriver or any sharp tools.
  4. Remove battleship filler valve cover (if applicable).
  5. Learn about Buddhism.
  6. Remove all air from a sock. (Fig. 2).

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