Pilot needed for use with airplane. Experience with aerial croquet good but not necessary. Call Zig at 718-976- 6432
Proof of extraterrestrial civilisation. Will pay ?500. Contact SETI, Areceibo Radio Observatory, Puerto Rico.
Set of three pontoons that can be attached to donkeys for water landings. Will work with medium-sized donkeys only. ?50 or best offer. Douglas, box 120.
Alternate universe, exactly like this one except that all accounting and bookkeeping is done by twenty-story- high radioactive frogs. ?2,000,000.34. Contact God, email@example.com
One hundred dollar bill. Like new. $24 or best offer. Call Alen 718-980- 8721, ask Alan for Larry’s number. Call Larry for further instructions.
One death. Quick and painless preferred, but will accept being bludgeoned by hammers or gnawed alive by rats if price is right. Call Depressed Dan.
Area company seeks new word to describe a hole in a wall that is there because someone got angry and punched the wall. Daniel Bester, Inc. 718-223-8712, ext. 2.
I have created a cool brand new word “belamurequence” which could describe any number of things. If you need a word, call Sinbad PO Box 1. Islamabad, Pakistan.
Sixteen camels, a mordent spaniel and thirty-seven Chinamen. Food and water not included. Please call Stephan II at 323-434-5454-65-368- 4938-32-1-4956
Alabaster statuettes of Ghanaian Presidents. Will pay $$$ for full set. Will pay for incomplete sets. Must be of the set created by renowned statuetist Frank Lloins, not the other set by the other statuetist Judy Frohlein. Please leave box of statuettes outside the Morton Public Library, Morton, PA.
One slightly elongated thing. Somewhat blue, smells of turpentine. Call 113-124-9900.
MWM, 46 seeks SWF 15-17 for romantic walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, dancing, possible restraining order, paternity suit, or statutory rape trial. Contact Lubber, Box 45-67.
FOR RENT Barrel of monkeys. Very fun. Some rabid. ?5.76 per hour. 314-159-2653
One PR-6, models 113B-116G, drive chain shaft control inductor node circuit with alternating diode CV4 monitor. Buyer must be ELT-009 certified with a level of 6.3 or higher. ?600 for both units. For more information call Lilly Rose, 212-456- 0987 (after 6pm).
Spacious twelve room villa overlooking French Riviera. $30.21 per month rent. Villa is in new condition, but haunted by ghost of murdered gangster. Ghost says very disturbing things, makes objects fly about, other general haunting things. Contact Horatio at Last Chance Reality. 1800-NUHOMES
Lower Grunding needs clean-up crews to help rebuild after disaster and mayhem caused by last week’s Bacon Festival. 412-891-4611
WILL PAY BIG MONEY
THE ANSWER TO MY EXISTENCE.
PLEASE BRING REVELATION TO ME.
REVELATION MUST BE GIVEN TO MARTHA JOHNSON OF CANADA.
IF REVELATION IS NOT GIVEN TO MARTHA JOHNSON OF CANADA,
NO PAYMENT WILL BE MADE.
Two non-functional models of hunter gatherer hovels. Fifty dollars or best offer. Call Ed at 646-542-9938
The Annual Church of St. Mary Fund-Raiser has come upon us once again. Bring plenty of towels, because this year’s orgy is bound to be more orgasmic than last. From Friday to Monday at St. Mary’s Sports Center.
Necromancers, Wisemen, Prophets, Wizards and Oracles needed to ascertain the meaning of dream full of portents and omens. Contact Nebuchadnezzar, Babylon.
Seven truckloads of meat, some attached to original carcasses. Free hubcap included. Contact Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London, SW1.
A dog. Call Lou.