Monthly Archives: September 2003

Classifieds Scott Birdseye

Classifieds: September 2003

POSITION
Pilot needed for use with airplane. Experience with aerial croquet good but not necessary. Call Zig at 718-976- 6432

WANTED
Proof of extraterrestrial civilisation. Will pay ?500. Contact SETI, Areceibo Radio Observatory, Puerto Rico.

FOR SALE
Set of three pontoons that can be attached to donkeys for water landings. Will work with medium-sized donkeys only. ?50 or best offer. Douglas, box 120.

FOR SALE
Alternate universe, exactly like this one except that all accounting and bookkeeping is done by twenty-story- high radioactive frogs. ?2,000,000.34. Contact God, bobafett218@hotmail.com

FOR SALE
One hundred dollar bill. Like new. $24 or best offer. Call Alen 718-980- 8721, ask Alan for Larry’s number. Call Larry for further instructions.

WANTED
One death. Quick and painless preferred, but will accept being bludgeoned by hammers or gnawed alive by rats if price is right. Call Depressed Dan.

WANTED
Area company seeks new word to describe a hole in a wall that is there because someone got angry and punched the wall. Daniel Bester, Inc. 718-223-8712, ext. 2.

FOR SALE
I have created a cool brand new word “belamurequence” which could describe any number of things. If you need a word, call Sinbad PO Box 1. Islamabad, Pakistan.

FOR SALE
Sixteen camels, a mordent spaniel and thirty-seven Chinamen. Food and water not included. Please call Stephan II at 323-434-5454-65-368- 4938-32-1-4956

WANTED
Alabaster statuettes of Ghanaian Presidents. Will pay $$$ for full set. Will pay for incomplete sets. Must be of the set created by renowned statuetist Frank Lloins, not the other set by the other statuetist Judy Frohlein. Please leave box of statuettes outside the Morton Public Library, Morton, PA.

FOR FREE
One slightly elongated thing. Somewhat blue, smells of turpentine. Call 113-124-9900.

MWM, 46 seeks SWF 15-17 for romantic walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, dancing, possible restraining order, paternity suit, or statutory rape trial. Contact Lubber, Box 45-67.

FOR RENT Barrel of monkeys. Very fun. Some rabid. ?5.76 per hour. 314-159-2653

FOR SALE
One PR-6, models 113B-116G, drive chain shaft control inductor node circuit with alternating diode CV4 monitor. Buyer must be ELT-009 certified with a level of 6.3 or higher. ?600 for both units. For more information call Lilly Rose, 212-456- 0987 (after 6pm).

TO LET
Spacious twelve room villa overlooking French Riviera. $30.21 per month rent. Villa is in new condition, but haunted by ghost of murdered gangster. Ghost says very disturbing things, makes objects fly about, other general haunting things. Contact Horatio at Last Chance Reality. 1800-NUHOMES

VACANCY
Lower Grunding needs clean-up crews to help rebuild after disaster and mayhem caused by last week’s Bacon Festival. 412-891-4611

WILL PAY BIG MONEY
WANTED:
THE ANSWER TO MY EXISTENCE.
PLEASE BRING REVELATION TO ME.
REVELATION MUST BE GIVEN TO MARTHA JOHNSON OF CANADA.
IF REVELATION IS NOT GIVEN TO MARTHA JOHNSON OF CANADA,
NO PAYMENT WILL BE MADE.

FOR SALE
Two non-functional models of hunter gatherer hovels. Fifty dollars or best offer. Call Ed at 646-542-9938

COMMUNITY CALENDAR
The Annual Church of St. Mary Fund-Raiser has come upon us once again. Bring plenty of towels, because this year’s orgy is bound to be more orgasmic than last. From Friday to Monday at St. Mary’s Sports Center.

VACANCY
Necromancers, Wisemen, Prophets, Wizards and Oracles needed to ascertain the meaning of dream full of portents and omens. Contact Nebuchadnezzar, Babylon.

FOR SALE
Seven truckloads of meat, some attached to original carcasses. Free hubcap included. Contact Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London, SW1.

WANTED
A dog. Call Lou.

Jeremy Rosen Stuff & Things

An Editorial

From a Teddy-Styled Bear.

Scott Birdseye

The “Why Hitler Was Bad” Checklist

Yes, we all know that Hitler was an evil person. Even skinheads and neo-Nazis know that deep down, they’re just not willing to admit it. The real question is, do you know why Hitler was a bad person? Well, we’ll tell you right now.

Put an “X” in each box after you fully understand that par-ticular reason, then move on to the next.

(You have to draw in your own boxes)

1. He killed 11 million people, not counting the other 40 million people whose deaths he caused

2. Started the worst war in human history

3. Ruined the Chaplain mustache

4. Made life difficult for anyone named Hitler

5. Was not actually a good artist

6. Gave vegetarians everywhere even more to apologize for

7. Made Volkswagen drivers just a little guilty

8. Denied poor Eva Braun a proper honeymoon

9. Created a reason to cast aspersions on the Swastika, a perfectly decent Hindu symbol of light, learning and peace

10. Makes us all a little weary of a 5’5″ guy with one testicle and a chip on his shoulder

March of Progress Scott Birdseye

A Special Scientism Section

The Astounding and Contrafibulating Advances of Science and Learning to be Witnessed by Gentle-Men of the God Fearing Nations in Years Which Shall Follow This One.

Doctor Ulf Goltschleer (age 12) is an inventor, scientist and tinker. He was also the winner of the 1932 Nobel Prize for Applied Radio-Zoology.

His inventions include the Electric Pram, the Carbuncle Inductor, the Silent Gropple Choke, the Wireless Hammer, the Four-Way Radio, the Alternating Sigmoido-Scope and Asia.

He is also notable for the fact that he once murdered Thomas Alva Edison.

* Buildings one hundred feet high!
* Specialized contraptions which are able to navigate through the atmospheres!
* Devices which shall enable men to determine the direction of the wind’s blowing!
* Specialized plates formed from translucent materials which shall be constructed into structures so as to allow men to see though walls.
* Contraptions which will allow for the motorization of all manner of farming implements!
* Carriages which may perambulate without the aid of a pack animal!
* Ocean-going vessels capable of traversing the Atlantic Ocean in only one month!
* Electrical China-Men for construction and labor needs, which work without the need for extravagantly costing food stuffs and liquid nourishment!
* Specialized devices which aid in the removal of solid excrement from the anal region!
* Electrical machines which shall be able to create luminescence without the aid of solid or gaseous fuel stuffs.
* Mechanical devices to aid or even replace semaphore as the chief means of communicating over vast distances.
* Scientifical helmets which shall act as shields against the sun’s powerful light, protecting the eyes and face from unneeded exposure.
* And zeppelins, let me tell you, the skies will be full of zeppelins. A zeppelin in every driveway and monkeys in diving helmets roving through the canyons of Jupiter, deathrays in hand, caught in a life-or-death struggle with an army of silver, shining automatons, and flying cars, and monkeys.

A Glorious Future Awaits!

Ads Scott Birdseye

Advertisements: September 2003