Monthly Archives: November 2006
Click on the image below then print it out on sticker paper, or if you feel like it, magnetic paper and then decorate your world or your world’s refridgerator.
Classifieds: Springtober 2006
Real people named Professor Plum and Colonel Mustard to appear in our live reenactment of the game Monopoly. We sure like Monopoly, but often get it confused with other board games. Milwaukee Scrabbleship Club.
Plot of land, 1 sq. mm. 99 year lease, only ½ penny. Exact change only. Tracy Form, Chapping Realty. Blamer’s Crossing, EL.
Archivist to file and track of Icelandic singer Bjork’s dental records. She’s compulsive and has to go to the dentist twice a day or more. Good pay, plus car and dental benefits. Sal Gudmunsdottir, Gudmunsdottir Ltd.
Two bedroom apartment with bath in the heart of blue whale. Whale no longer living but still spacious. Yap R. Freep. 77.333.8383
Pancake. Slightly flatter than usual. $.02 or five for a nickel. Tom, Box 6.
Soundproof, unlighted room. Contains two girls kissing. $53 per time unit.
Statue of the Paesistratids. Found in attic. Both figures missing genitals, but otherwise intact.
$3000 or best offer.
Beer coolzy! I’ve recently patented the beer coolzy and I want to sell it to you. Gimme a shout at 995-382-4825.
Three mouse fur coats, perfectly sized for mice. Free gelatin lathe included.
10 Downing Street
London SW1 UK
Organism. My supply just ran out and I can’t find anymore. Willing to offer increasingly higher amounts of money if you refuse previous offers. Will also cry on occasion.
Mary Bagel 823-2617
Belt loop! You can string a belt through it. You can string two thin belts through it. You can use it to hitch a watch or wallet. It’s belt loop. And it’s absolutely free!
45 Arterial Street
San Francisco, CA
Candle once used by Albert Einstien during a power outage in 1937. Original wax, but wick has been restored. Call Bobbles at 888.888.801
Nothing. Stop calling.
Better reputation. Some of those ignorant people gave me a bad name.
Look for niggardly in the dictionary.
80 lb. iron toilet seat. Structurally-sound toilet recommended before purchase. $2.35 or best offer.
P.O. Box 44 Monrovia, WV
500 sheets of green-lined, loose leaf paper. Please find the carrier pigeon on the corner of Lefgot and Main Street. Attach message indicating you have the paper. Then release. Will send payment by Sandy’s Burro Express. If any questions about payment, send message by smoke signals from Saturnine Hill.
Love, devotion, wild, wild after-dinner poetry parties. Come by Jameson’s Pub on Thursdays for yours.
The Kremlin. Nice décor, colourful spires, one Duma.
Grad Belgolovich at The Kremlin, Russia
Rigging for three-masted galleon, one twelve year old boy to crawl in it, and three pegs for securing.
Pilot needed for human kite project. Probably fatal. Bob at Box 34.
Fifty Things Thomas Edison Never Even Tried to Invent
- chickens that lay ready-made Southwest Omelettes
- apologetic electric chairs
- powdered bridges
- the sideways train
- hover horses
- self-eating reuben sandwiches
- steam-powered windmills
- a board game based on the American Civil War
- the electric alphabet
- waterproof milkshakes
- double-helmets for epileptic Siamese twins
- odometers for hamster wheels
- raspberry flavoured dental dams
- robot crows
- mechanical owls for scaring away the robot crows
- pneumatic olive de-pimentoers
- Bruce Vilanch detector
- A space station for mice. If a cat got on board it’d be just like that movie Alien, but for mice.
- sweaters that taste like whatever moths don’t like
- a meta-knob that allows you to adjust all knobs at once
- realistic, cheese-shaped covers for light bulbs so it looks like your cheese is glowing
- wind-resistant chinstraps
- The Moron Slapper
- 120 proof corn liquor
- salmon-flavoured canals
- pedal-powered mechanical sacrificers for Voodoo rites
- electric orgasm monitors
- a 20 million lumen visual defence grid for Romania
- the combination lemon juice extractor/jungle machete
- bicycle windshields
- creature detectors
- the testicle-shaving cup
- chicken caesar salad lasagne
- static electric false moustache
- a well-designed light switch with iconography
- coati suppressing foam
- the mechanical spider buddy
- The ACME Handy Dandy Micro Helper
- Automatic Rutherford B. Hayes
- an ash tray exhaust fan
- the low-loam diet for worms
- a practical theoretical basis for providing power to homes
- the communications satellite
- spring-loaded novelty cans of peas
- creepily-grinning mechanical statues whose heads follow passers-by
- a Chinese finger trap remover
- magnetic teeth implants
- the electric mop
A Cure at Last