Category Archives: March of Progress

Jeremy Rosen March of Progress Special Feature

FusionDynamo eXtreeem

Kiev, Ukraine – Fusion at last hits the mainstream! Man’s most powerful technology is no longer the province of war, nor the devilment of research laboratories the world over. The major problem in developing usable fusion power was one of control, but now with advances in power storage and transmission, fusion will become the power source of the future.

The first hint that practical fusion power was coming arrived last year when scientists at the Platha Battery Research centre announced a new theoretical technological framework for energy storage. Platha, well-known for its reliance on direct current to store and transmit power, has seen its only burgeoning technological sector evolve from the need for well-functioning direct current.

For decades the PBR centre has advanced the course of power storage. The AA battery was invented at the PBR as was the cumbersome DD battery which powered Platha’s only successful consumer electronics export: the People’s Ghetto Blaster, an overpowered combination tape deck and radio which sold moderately well between 1986 and 1988 across the U.S.

Able to last for up to 36 hours on a single charge, the DD batteries which powered the People’s Ghetto Blaster still outperform most modern portable electronics. People’s Ghetto Blasters in good condition continue to sell for hundreds of dollars at online auction sites, even while the unit’s 53 lb. weight adds substantially to the cost of shipping.

The PBR centre previously reached national prominence when its former director Nikolai Arkady was a 3-day champion on Jeopardy (later dramatized in “Jeopardy: The Movie” (see our ad on March 1, 2007)).

This publication had long been a proponent of direct power, with editorials from the period of Edison’s push for direct current extolling it as the only truly American form of power distribution. Calls for its adoption were still coming from these pages as late as 1987 with the introduction of the late-model People’s Ghetto Blaster. However, with little fanfare the subject was dropped by then Editor-in-Chief Samuel Smelt. In 2004 the subject was again raised with the introduction of direct current to Katharinetowne, WD (Volume 456-BR6, Issue 6 “March of Progress”).

With the PBR centre’s new FusionDynamo eXtreeem, the issue is now at the forefront again. The FusionDynamo eXtreeem is actually an array of 48 giant batteries. Each stands over 60 feet high, except for the first two in the chain, which reach nearly 100 feet into the sky and measure a diameter of over 700 Lincolns. Inside every battery exist billions of molecule-thin layers of voltaic cells sandwiched together with barely any space between. The entire system is able to store the entire power output of a single high-yield thermonuclear weapon and can power a small city for nearly six months.

To get the power into the FusionDynamo eXtreeem is another matter. Once the potential of the new battery system was perceived by scientists at Fermilab, and the schematics extricated from Platha by a crack team of Willinois Grenadiers, two problems with the plan were discovered. First, how to siphon off the enormous power of a thermonuclear explosion. Second, how to transmit that power effectively to the FusionDynamo eXtreeem.

The latter had the easiest solution as Fermilab called on colleagues in Velociraptor, Elizabethia, known as the nation’s Superconducting Capital. Researchers at Meissnercorp were able to provide miles of superconducting conduits for low, low prices. Often no more than 10% over wholesale.

Capturing the explosive power of a thermonuclear weapon was more problematic. The final design consists of a flattened spherical chamber located underground and over 3 miles across. The entire chamber is lined with turbines for direct conversion of the explosive power to electric current. The chamber sits underneath a second chamber of approximately the same size filled with water, which receives energy input in the form of the heat of the explosion which creates steam which turns another set of turbines. The surface of the lower chamber is coated entirely in a heat-resistant, semiconducting alloy.

The energy thus generated passes through the superconducting conduits to the FusionDynamo eXtreeem. The large initial pair of batteries accept the first set of charges from the explosion, then pass off the overflow to the remaining 46 batteries. Power distribution from this point on is quite simple and can be transferred over to an alternating current system at will.

This is of course not true fusion power as thermonuclear weapons are actually hybrid fission/fusion devices, but hopefully lasers in the future will make it happen.

Jeremy Rosen March of Progress

The March of Progress: Organic Food

scientists discover new york women are idiots

New York, NY- The Institute for Freaking Out New York Women has released its 2008 report, forcing over 3 million vaguely informed and neurotically worrisome female New Yorkers to adjust their purchasing habits. Coupled with recent studies proving once and for all that astrology is utter nonsense, dames of the Big Apple sure are in a tizzy.

In a shocking revelation, the report reveals that shimmery lipstick contains fish scales, chewing gum is made with milk protein and that lotion is filled with ground up titanium dioxide.

“There are chemicals in everything. It’s all chemicals,” stated thirty year old Bethany Page of Park Slope, Brooklyn.

New York Women were recently left wondering what to do when confronted with the explosive fact that organic foods contained carbon. Ms. Page was particularly violent when told this while consuming an organic, gluten-free, smoothie, after which she shoved the container away, yelling “Evil!”

Even clothing didn’t pass safely through the IPNYW’s report this year. So-called fair trade items, New York women were told, are still made by poor people who would love to drink Pepsi and worry about whether they’re too fat. Some of those workers use their fair trade earnings to buy meat.

The problem was compounded further when the IPNYW’s semi-annual bar study found that over 90% of mixed drinks at bars, including the vaunted cosmopolitan, mojito, and Alabama slammer, were not made with “eco-friendly” ingredients. A statistically insignificant fraction less than 100% of bar limes were grown using pesticides in order to provide a nice shine and juicy interior.

While not as shocking as last year’s IPNYW report, which announced that gummy bears contain corn syrup and are made out of crushed sheep bones, many New York women have vowed to try and purchase more over-priced “organic” and “natural” products. At least until next year, when the IPNYW helps them learn that “natural” products contain ground up spiders and that “organic” vegetables are grown in cow shit.

March of Progress Scott Birdseye

The March of Progress: Maine 2008

singing mule

Zurich, Switzerland, EU- Centuries of speculation and hope have finally led to trumumph for one dedicated team of bio-physicists at the ECIC. Despite the difficulties involved in the project, the team has proven that sometimes man can achieve the impossible.

Head researcher Lurig Goa said “Mankind’s victory in the war against God and Nature is now complete. We can create anything; truly man, through hubristic meddling in the natural order of the universe, has become the new God. This is Zeke the Yodeling Mule, our apotheosis.”

Unveiled to overwhelming applause, Zeke the Yodeling Mule stood atop a mule-sized platform at the Centre Scientifique and proceeded to yodel in a resounding manner. While no one has yet to perfect an actual yodeling mule, Zeke, the first successfully yodeling mule was described by yodeling expert Uf Tarmiksen as “competent at best.”

Whether Zeke the Yodeling Mule will help to usher in a new, more enlightening period of world-wide peace, understanding and glory has yet to be seen, but Dr. Goa was hopeful and stated “There is no problem we cannot solve, nothing we cannot create, nothing we cannot rule over; truly we are now as gods.”

March of Progress Scott Birdseye

The March of Progress: Vespril 2007

aa prize

Bestoria, Montsylvania – Axes & Alleys today announced the Axes & Alleys Science & Technology $50 Prize. Winners of the A&A S&P in each of four categories will receive a $50 prize, while runners-up will get an Axes & Alleys t-styled shirt. The prize was created by managing editors Scott Birdseye and Jeremy Rosen in an effort to solve the important issues facing them in their daily lives.

Said Mr. Birdseye, “Sometimes you wake up and you can’t face the day because so many minor inconveniences exist. Usually I’ll call in depressed to the office.”

“I saw all of these prizes for useless bull hockey: rockets, math problems, vaccines. There’s even the Grainger Challenge to engineer an economical water treatment system,” said Mr. Rosen. “I challenge you to make me something useful, like a non-dribble spoon.”

The Axes & Alleys editors are offering the $50 prize for each of four inventions desperately needed in their daily lives.

Flopless Flip Flops
Mr. Rosen enjoys the comfort and convenience of flip flops, but is often embarrassed by the flopping flatulent sounds the footwear makes as he walks. To win the $50 prize, the design must look like traditional flip flops, but be completely silent. A bonus $20 will be thrown in for designs using some kind of sound-wave generating electrical device to interfere with the flopping sound.

Alarm Clock Employing the Smell of Frying Bacon
Mr. Birdseye on the other hand has difficulty waking up on purpose in the morning, even with multiple loud alarm clocks set for various times. However, he responds quite well to various smells, including chocolate ice cream, perfume, and ammonia. As the latter is a bit too harsh, the winner of this $50 prize must create an alarm clock which wakes Scott within 10 seconds using the smell (not sound!) of frying bacon.

Deodorant Application Flaps for T-Shirts
This should be a simple innovation. In fact, Mr. Rosen can think of a design himself, he’s just too lazy to produce it and would rather pay you a $50 prize. The winning design will allow the easy application of anti-perspirant, deodorant, or some combination of the two through easy-open panels under the sleeves.

Idiot Repellent
Often surrounded by idiots, Mr. Birdseye is in major need of relief from having to tell them to “bugger off.” He’d rather have a non-verbal way to fend off idiotic conversation about horoscopes, the latest environmental scare, and what to do when Billy says he likes you. Winning repellent schemes may employ sonics, odours, or bright lights, but must not interfere with the normal operations of Mr. Birdseye.

Prospective winners must submit a working prototype of their design to Messrs. Birdseye and Rosen, who will be the sole judges of the Axes & Alleys Science & Technology $50 Prize. Prototypes must be submitted before December 31st, 2008 with the prizes to be awarded at a special ceremony in Bermuda* in March, 2009.

For more information, please contact Mr. Birdseye or Mr. Rosen using the contact information at www.axesandalleys.com.

*location and definition of ceremony subject to change

March of Progress Scott Birdseye

The March of Progress: Tiberium 2007

electric telephone

In a stunning move that has generated a great deal of s0-called buzz, Nanasoft announced that they will be unveiling their new product; the eComm telephone, early next month. The eComm represents a revolution in cellular telephone technology and is expected to generate a high level of sales across the nation.

“What makes the eComm so exciting” said Nanasoft spokesperson Gina Forre, “is that is makes telephone calls. And that’s it. Raqther than doing ten things in a mediocre fashion, it just does one thing well.” While some tech experts were confused by the idea of a product built specifically to perform well in its intended function, many consumers are excited about the eComm’s touted use in sending and receiving clear voice communication.

“Such an amazing new idea” said talker Ben Jacobs “who would have thought that you could have a tool designed to execute a single tasks and do it well.”

If the eComm meets sales expectations, Nanasoft plans to launch its new line of non-obsolensense products by mid-2009. These devices, including cellular phones, music players and cameras are built using quality materials and workmanship, and designed to last for decades.