Crushing Your Enemies

by Stemdrin Moltopney
Exarch of the Moltopney Groceries chain and famous candy striper.

The key to crushing your enemies is to strike them swiftly where it hurts most, where it will cause the most agony, the most confusion and the most sweet, sweet revenge. Follow these steps and YOU WILL WIN!

Saint Michael and the Devil

Thirty Steps to Victory!

  1. place an ice cube on a pillow next to the ear of a sleeping enemy
  2. sign up your nemesis for home-improvement junk mail
  3. disable the 3 button on your arch-fiend’s calculator
  4. purchase Girl Scout® cookies in their name
  5. change the timer on their automated lawn sprinkling system
  6. take page 5 out of their daily-delivered newspaper
  7. release aphid swarms in their pumpkin patch
  8. dull the bastard’s steak knives
  9. send them flowers with a note containing coarse language
  10. turn up the furnace boiler by two degrees
  11. replace a favourite record with an exact duplicate missing one song
  12. inject hot sauce into their milk containers with a syringe
  13. remove vanadium from all periodic table references they use
  14. organize a party and don’t invite them
  15. exchange their ice cubes for Hammond’s H2Woah!
  16. leave a stack of restaurant flyers under their door
  17. cut all of their rubber bands in half
  18. hire a clown to follow them honking a horn
  19. put campaign stickers on their car in a non-election year
  20. disable all cable reception
  21. hold a bake sale opposing them
  22. follow them in a taxi
  23. send them a letter inviting them to the United Nations
  24. set fire to the logs in their fireplace
  25. put holes in their car tarpaulin
  26. report them to the Better Business Bureau
  27. The Last Judgement

Greens: The Newest Trend

The March of Progress December 2005

Emily Lancing

It’s Not Easy Being Green: Lovely young trendnik Emily Lancing shows off her brand new photosynthesizing skin.

From Maine to California there’s a new trend that’s growing more popular with the kids. More and more teenagers and twenty-somethings are getting chloroplasts implanted in their epidermal cells.

Chloroplasts, the organelle which enable photosynthesis in autotrophic organisms, allow humans to go months without eating, provided they inhale plenty of carbon dioxide (CO2) and ingest copious quantities of water (H20).

“Oh yeah, it’s great, I don’t even have to eat. My cells just make their own food. It’s deck, dude, totally deck,” said a man to which we spoke. “Everyone’s green. Green’s the way, dude.”

While green may be moving toward increased popularity in urban centers, some scientists are skeptical of the long term benefits of chloroplast implantation.

“We don’t yet know the long term effects of chloroplast implantation,” stated Dr. Julia Killian of the hospital.

Either way, more and more people are enjoying engaging in photosynthesis. “It’s cool,” said Chance, one young trendnik. “I can totally form glucose. I’m not shackled by the cellular respiration chains anymore. Adenosine triphosphate is for losers. Glucose is the new future, man.”

On Sporks

Sporks: Behold the Glorious Future
by Dave Hinge
Dave Hinge

Dave Hinge is the Director of the International Sandwich Institute. His latest offering is the tome Revising Basic Sandwich Theory: Projected Global Impact of the Reuben Paradigm.

Sporks are a very serious thing. While many in the public feel content to mock sporks, they are fools. The spork is perhaps the most amazing human achievement of the past two hundred and thirty-two years. Eclipsed perhaps only by the aeroplane, the spork is a matter of pure genius. It is at once a fork and a spoon, and yet it is neither.

In an age of dwindling natural resources, it is important that our consumer-driven economy conserve every bit of material. Why spend twice as much energy producing a fork and a spoon when you can produce a single spork for half the cost?

The same can be said about the popularity of the new camera-phone. For years, going back to the nineteenth century, people have been craving a contraption which is both a camera and a phone. Now they have it and now we need not waste our precious metals and plastics on producing just phones or just cameras. We have camera-phones and we have sporks.

How glorious.


Hopefully new conservation-minded products will be on the horizon. Perhaps today some plucky young scientist is working on a rake-frying pan. Fry eggs and rake your leaves with only one instrument. No more searching through the kitchen or garage when you need to proper tool. Or the bottle opener-iron lung; another wonderful idea which will save countless dollars. Maybe the bicycle-sombrero won’t be too far off; I can foresee a wondrous future where you can ride your hat to work. Just after that scientists will invent the photo album-gargoyle. It’s a gargoyle, perfect for any gothic decoration on your castle, but it also holds and displays photographs of your loved ones. What about a combination between a coffin and chewing gum? That would be perfect for any occasion. And let’s not forget the ironing board-rowboat or the cigarette lighter-Persian rug or the all important dueling pistol-wheelbarrow.

For each combination we cut our society’s waste and pollution in half. So the next time you see a neat two-in-one product make sure you purchase it. Not for yourself, but for your children, and your children’s children and for those people’s planet’s future.

News of the World: November 2005

The War At Sea!


As our hovercraft slid through the night, I could make out shadows grouped on the horizon. I took another bite of my tomato and let the juice dribble down my chin. It was a little over ripe, making loud squishing noises.

“The blockade fleet,” Seaman Mylar pointed out as he, too, munched unenthusiastically on a tomato. “They’re on constant patrol all through here.” One of the hovercraft crew, Mylar was a fit young man with the bronzed skin and muscular build characteristic of his Maori heritage. Though he told me he had joined up six months ago, just after his eighteenth birthday, I’d have never guessed it; already he spoke with the calm certainty and bore the tomato-stained battle blouse of a veteran. To a man, despite their ages or ranks, the Hovermen showed an emotionless acceptance; other fruits and vegetables had long been left behind. For an army man it’s the Thousand Yard Stare. For these navy files it’s the Twenty Mile Squint.
Continue reading