Monthly Archives: August 2006

Classifieds Jeremy Rosen

Classifieds: Maine 2006

FOR SALE
First season of “The Wonder Years” on 16mm film strip. Dubbed into Swedish by actors with heavy Urdu accents. A must have for any “Paul” fan. €5.00 each.

POSITION AVAILABLE
President needed to execute laws enacted by legislators. Must be 35 or older, natural born citizen. Knowledge of Microsoft Word, Excel and Power Point a must. Car provided. Contac US Govmt. Wash. DC.

WANTED
Ice skates for elephant. Must be Pachyderm Size 11. Wally at Feeble 02-1, ext. 3.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Single marine needed to infiltrate German occupied castle in order to destroy the entire Nazi regime. Rifle with limited ammo provided. Contact Pentagon. US.

FOR SALE
Archipelago. Contains four larger islands, 19 smaller islands. One inlet and a volcano. Tiberius, Box 7483.

FOR LEASE
Novel about a woman on a quest to discover how peanut butter is made. Will the government conspiracy and its assassins kill her before she finds the truth? Lease my novel to find out. Mr. Lance Bot. 748-3833-283 No calls after 3pm, baby is sleeping.

FOR RENT
One Bank of Lemuria debit card. Personal PIN not included. Standardize Corvés 2001 Shecky Williams Dr. Mulhanset, AC, 282830.

WANTED
Left marmot testicle. I have an experiment I’d like to try out. Please do not include whole marmot. Billy Lumpkin bbill@msn.com

SEEKING
Prom date. Must know South American and Caribbean dances such as the tango, lambada, salsa, cha cha, merengue, bachata, beguine, rumba and mambo; expert in country line dancing a plus. Irish need not apply. Becky near the Fountain

FOR SALE
1800 combination tea cozies/razor wire. Free description of marsupials included.Tony Blair 10 Downing Street London SW1 UK

FOR SALE
The original cross used to crucify that thief from the Bible. You know, the bad one who mocks Jesus? Yeah, it’s his cross. Not the Jesus cross, but pretty close. St. Croix of Infinite Mercy Church, Talladega, Alabama.

FOR SALE
Left-pawed mouse with excellent pinball skills. Won many tournements in Colombia and surrounding areas. Avery Bob, Trenchant, NH

WANTED
Will someone please stop the rain. I don’t care what you do – dance, call upon your respected god, pray to Satan…just make it stop for a few hours. The triumphant miracle maker will receive a batch of rice crispy treats, and a three year old Cingular™ phone charger with a bent plug. Launa, Box 23.

FOR SALE
I have developed a machine capable of producing as much energy as it consumes. I will sell it to a venture capitalist for some money. Contact Yalto Ban Botta, Box 432.

FOR SALE
One arrogant asteroid always talking about its carbonaceous chondrites. Prim Freeborn. Box 3.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Gorillas needed to help develop gorilla nagvigated air ship across the Black Sea. All applicants must pass drug test and have working knowledge of Black Sea and surrounding areas. Gorillas only, gibbons need not apply. Fax resume to Simian Aeronautics Corps. P.O. Box 121, Clover City, MV.

WANTED
Bullet proof radishes for use in war-time salads. Shrapnel resistant lettuce also, or if you have any armor-peircing tongs, I’ll take those too. Elizabeth. Box 211.

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Pearls of Wisdom

From the Reverend Wolfpatty

Reverend Wolfpatty

“toH qo’ muSHa’pu’qu’mo’ JoH’a’, wa’ puqloDDaj nobpu’ ghaH ‘ej ghaHbaq Harchugh vay’, vaj not Hegh ghaH, ‘ach yIn jub ghajbeH ghaH.” John 3:16, from the Klingon Language Institute’s translation of The Bible.

Now, we’ve all come to accept that the Holy Scripture is the Word of God, that is to say that the authors of The Bible were divinely inspired by God and given the power of the Holy Spirit which enabled them to transcend human fallibility in order to create a Good Book that was, and remains today, the perfect, infallible, testament of God to humanity.

It’s reasonable to assume that God didn’t only intend his Holy Word to be infallible and correct in the ancient Hebrew, Greek and Aramaic. In order to protect the one true Gospel, God would have worked to inspire the translators; those people like Wycliffe and Tyndale who worked to create the vernacular translations that would bring God’s power to people that backwards Alcuin’s Vulgate could never get within a mile of.

So then a question arises; when does God reach out and divinely inspire translators and when does God not really give a good gosh-darn? The translation of the Holy Scripture into the fictional Star Trek Klingon language poses an interesting question; would God divinely inspire the translators of a non-spoken language so that their version of The Bible could be infallible?

Klingon Jesus

Is it worth God’s time to worry about Klingon Bibles when everyone who speaks Klingon already has an available Bible printed in their native language? Surely God has better things to do; saving children from drowning, curing cancer, helping winning Super Bowl teams, stopping war for starters. But, I suppose the question could be phrased as; if it brings one Trekkie to Salvation is the Klingon Bible worth it?

I would have to answer yes. Star Trek presents a future devoid of religion and God. Unlike Babylon 5, with its many Christian, Jewish and Foundationist characters, all the characters in Star Trek are atheists. We never see Data go to Church, nor do we see Kirk or Spock partake of the Sacraments. Perhaps Trekkies think this atheism is normal. Maybe the Klingon Bible will help them come to Christ. For their sake, I hope it saves them from eternal hellfire.

To them I would quote Mark 2:17:
“QoyDI’ yeSuS, chaHvaD jatlh: pIvwI’vaD ‘utbe’ Qel. ‘ach ropwI’vaD ‘ut. mutlha’meH quvwI’pu’ vIra’meH jIghoSta’be’. ‘ach yemwI’pu’ vIra’meH jIghoSta’.”

Fifty Things Jeremy Rosen

50 Ideas for Making Insects Better

1. Tiny hats.
2. Instead of yellow and black on bees, why not stylish mocha and taupe?
3. Ants get the ability to read Sanskrit.
4. Goliath beetles are replaced by new nine-inch Super Goliath Beetles.
5. Install an on/off switch for katydids.
6. Constant molting now mandatory.
7. Instead of pain, bee stings bring on hallucinations of drinking grape soda.
8. Walking sticks are allowed to stroll on Tuesdays.
9. Advertising space is sold on the wings of butterflies.
10. Dragonflies really breathe fire.
11. Lightning bugs glow in different colors for Christmas.
12. Dung beetles are made tastier.
13. Mosquitoes are required to ask permission before sucking your blood.
14. Allow ticks and daddies-long-leg into Class Insecta.
15. Praying mantises may actually petition God to cure the sick.
16. Instead of plain, old mounds, fire ants must make nests that meet the high aesthetic standards of Frank Ghery or I.M. Pei.
17. An expansion of the termite diet to include plastic, newspaper and other litter, thus cleaning up the streets of our fair city.
18. Let ‘em all breathe out of their noses like normal people.
19. Locusts can only destroy bad tasting crops like squash or Brussels sprouts.
20. Crickets must know how to play more than one tune on their legs.
21. Given piezoelectric properties for use in computers.
22. Peppered moths get royalties every time their pictures are used in the evolution chapter of biology text books.
23. Butterflies are allowed to stick just a few entomologists on spikes.
24. Chitin exoskeletons replaced with candy coating.
25. Just normal fruit flies from now on. No more mutants.
26. Issue a court order demanding the closing of all circulatory systems.
27. The ability to link up and run on model railroad tracks.
28. Cicada killers are only cicada rougher-uppers.
29. Imperviousness to hard vacuum and radiation.
30. House flies fly in designated patterns.
31. Earwigs make themselves useful by becoming clothing fasteners.
32. Silverfish only dine on outgrown or no-longer-needed clothing and must always finish their meals.
33. Cockroaches stop being lazy and help pick up around the house.
34. Army ants will form a well-regulated militia.
35. A single carpenter ant will be crucified to redeem all of insect kind.
36. Cicadas exit the ground in an orderly fashion and follow the designated swarming routes.
37. Lady bugs grant reasonable requests for realistic things, like chocolate.
38. Damsel flies continuously enact chivalrous stories with the help of new hero bugs for small children and the elderly.
39. Uncatchable, catnip flavored cockroaches are standard.
40. Fleas able to actually jump to the top of the Empire State Building from the ground.
41. Water bugs bring life-saving moisture to drought-ravaged African nations.
42. Caterpillars have to figure out something interesting to do other than pupate.
43 Less mindless moving.
44. Nearby insects form up on any chess board to act as playing pieces and respond to verbal commands.
45. A benevolent insectoid hive mind tasked to look after and protect humanity from danger.
46. Jet engines.
47. Their own island.
48. Defecate gold.
49. Less creepy, more huggable.
50. A return to the monstrous size of yesteryear.