Monthly Archives: August 2003

Ads Jeremy Rosen

Special Advertising Section

SPECIAL ADVERTISING SECTION
brought to you by the good people at

Daniel Bester, Inc.

Here at Daniel Bester, Inc. we strive to provide you, the consumer, with the highest quality of product available anywhere in the world. And that’s not just good advertising copy. That’s the truth. From our space-age WINDGO™ to our down-home age-old SPARLOGRAM 6000™ we give you the best for your money.

Seriously.

It’s not like we would lie.

Daniel Bester, Inc. Product List 2002 For Government Contracts
1. Tungsten Core Illumisphere $25.00
2. Personal Handheld Ergonomic Tungsten Core Illumisphere Exciter $53.45
3. Chemically Charged Power Storage Pods for Use with Personal Handheld Ergonomic Tungsten Core Illumisphere Exciter $19.95
4. Polymer Based Cephalo-Protection/Aesthetic-Augmentation System $67.45
with added Propulsion-Styled Ornament $88.45
5. All-Natural Wood Fiber Constructed Oral Foreign Substance Locator/Extractor $12.00
6. Pulp Based External Memory System $89.99
7. External Memory System Input Controller with Attached Polymer Based Deletion and Correction Enabler $24.00
8. Super Cooled Liquid Based Personal Fluid Container and Transport Unit $42.02
with added Ergonomic Stabilization and Control Unit $56.78
9. Cotton Fiber Based Manual Protection Kit $67.95
10. Beveled Photographic Augmenter and Protector with SuperHeated Silica Internal Covering $85.95
11. Ethiopia Originated Granulated Organic Energy Dissemination Fluid $67.00/liter (M.V.)
12. Ceramic Decombustion Chamber and Organic Resin Storage Device $44.89
13. Tumbler-Specific Security Device Deactivation/Reactivation System $56.98
14. Metallic Circuitous Organization and Storage System with Polymer Tab for Multiple Tumbler-Specific Security Device Deactivation/Reactivation Systems $123.90
15. Crude Oil Woven Procreation Disabling Sheathe $65.95
16. Convex Aluminum-Alloy Liquid Sustenance Container-to-Oral-Area Transport Implement and Colloidal Catalyst for Chemical Solutions: for use in Combining Item #11 with Item #20. (Also Available in Polymer Form for Additional $4.50) $54.02
17. Aluminum-Alloy Solid Sustenance Container-to-Oral-Area Transport Implement and Kinetic Separation Stabilization System. For use with Item #18. (Also Available in Polymer Form for Additional $4.50) $54.02
18. Aluminum-Alloy Solid Sustenance Separation System (Also Available in Polymer Form for Additional $4.50) $54.02
19. Space-Age Polymer Based Combination Solid Sustenance Container-to-Oral-Area Transport Implement and Kinetic Separation Stabilization System/Convex Liquid Sustenance Container-to-Oral-Area Transport Implement and Colloidal Catalyst for Chemical Solutions $75.98
20. Refined Glucose (C6H12O6) Flavor Enhancing Substance for Use with Ethiopia Originated Granulated Organic Energy Dissemination Fluid $23.00/oz (M.V.)
21. Outer-Tympanic-Cartilage Mounted Ocular Defense System for Protection Against Visible and Non-Visible Solar and/or Stellar Wave Emissions $1256.90
22. Lipid and Resin Based Personal Odor Prevention Mechanism and Moneran-Protist Elimination Cake-Mass $28.00
23. Upper-Appendage Mounted Quartz Oscillation Measurement Device with Digital Display Interface $206.00
For Classical Styled Analog Display Interface add $129.90
24. Un-mounted Quartz Oscillation Measurement Device with Variable Set Acoustical Output Notation Marker and Alternating and Direct Current External Power Source Connection Node $356.00
25. Spun Cotton Fiber Constructed Outer-Tympanic Bio-Materials Expunger $50.00/20pcs
26. Diaphanous Carbon-Steel Personal Follicle Separator Unit with Ergonomic Polymer Based Frame/Controller $21.34
27. Sterile Re-Condensed Fluid State Hydrodioxide $14.99/liter
28. Hecto-Numeric Probability Determination and Decision Enabling Polymer Cube $10.99
29. Wheel-lock Portable Combustion System with Liquid Fuel Reservoir $25.04
30. 52 Piece Picto-Numeric Polymer Coated Fiber Sheet Multi-Purpose Entertainment System $68.00
ORDER FORM
Item # Quantity Price Shipping Specific-ations
                                 $29.95*           
                                 $29.95*           
                                 $29.95*           
                                 $29.95*           
                                 $29.95*           
Total Items Total Quantity Extra Space TOTAL:           

Name:_______________________________________________
Contract #:____________________________________________
Address:______________________________________________
Address:______________________________________________
Phone:(_____)____________
Email:____________________@____________________________

*Standard First Class Shipping via the United States Postal Service. For overnight service or for Specialized Couriers add an additional $125.00 shipping charge per item. Don’t forget to print out this page and mail the form to Daniel Bester, Inc. 1 Corporate Plaza, Katharinetowne, WD 928513.

Global Extraction Group

Classifieds Scott Birdseye

Classifieds: August 2003

Find Anything You Need or Sell Anything You Don’t Want With the Axes & Allies Classified Ads.

FOR SALE
Two stroke pony with optional tail rotor included. Slightly worn, three years old, but spunky and affable. Comes with saddle, rotor oil and RNA transductor enhancement glue. £295.33 plus state taxes, import tariffs and biochemical redundancy fee. Call Steve: 995-2620

FOR RENT
Spacious three tier toolbox. Red aluminum with steel bolts and brushed metal interior. No tools included. £9.95 per week. Call 884- 3443 and ask for Mary Ellen

SEEKING
Single white female. Must enjoy cold climate, ice floes, eating Eskimos and baby seals. I am an intelligent and spontaneous guy (I once attacked a surfacing U. S. submarine) who loves fishing, relaxing in a nice Arctic storm and running in fright from the flashing lights in the sky. Visit Nunavuk, Greenland and ask for Ralphi.

Look in the bulrushes. There you will find the answers you seek. Once you accept the inner sycophant, other will follow. Message 2369.

WANTED
Polyurethane coating for backyard deck or decomposing bodies stored in basements. No questions asked. Ask for Tommy J at 334-3343

FOR SALE
One sixteen litre container of high-grade polyurethane coating for backyard decks or decomposing bodies stored in basements. Available for £35.00. No questions asked. Call 992-1600 and leave a message.

ROBOT ANDROIDS
Seeking robot android look-a- likes, must look like Don Knotts or Tim Conway. Will pay $50.00 or best offer. Call Eddie at 763-0973, ask for Dave.

FOR SALE
Twenty six metric tons of goat cheese. Slightly rancid. Two free hockey pucks included. Tony Blair, 10 Downing St. London, SW1.

Super-villain seeks weapon of mass destruction, nuclear weapons, biological or nerve gas, death rays also good. Will pay top dollar. Call The Honorable Chief Justice Destructo, 113-436-9987, ext. 45.

POSITIONS AVAIABLE
Monarch seeks Eunuchs for organizational duties including harem guarding and chronicling. Castration and palace quarters provided. Send messenger to Xerxes. Royal Palace, Persepolis, Persian Empire.

FREE GIVEAWAY!!!
Several packets of sugar available on a first-come, first-served basis. Sixty-three packets and they’re going fast! Available at 33 Alhambra Ave. this Saturday from 3 to midnight.

FOR SALE
Semi-amateur home-brewmeister sells his first batch of beer. Three bottles for £12. Special discounts for large purchases.

WANTED
Bugs. All kinds of bugs. Beetles, ants, bees, wasps, butterflies, spiders, pillbugs, mosquitoes, mosquito hawks, bottle flies, house flies, millipedes, mantids, moths, cockroaches, weevils, tomato bugs, wormsÉ well, I know worms aren’t bugs, but I really like them. They slither and they’re slimy and stuff. Worms kind of get me off. Anyway, if you have bugs, please call Ehren at 445-BUGS.

POSITIONS AVAILABLE
Pumpkin roaster needed to roast a pumpkin. Must be experienced. Irish need not apply. Call Delores, 738-6975

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
This Saturday, the Community Farm Center of Lower Grunding presents its first annual Bacon Festival! From 11-7, see the most amazing bacon sights and bacon-related accoutrements. Ba-Co’s brand new, late-model bacon stretcher will be on display! The new left-handed coffee mugs featuring the CFC “I Heart Bacon” logo is available cheaply. There will also be a display of new plants made of a synthetic material produced from bacon fat. You can water them like real plants! Bacon Festival takes place in Shorewater Plaza Shops.

WANTED
One human soul. $55 U. S. or best offer. Email Kevin: rabidpatunia at hotmail dot commercial.

FOR SALE
Brazil. Large parcel of land in South America. Please contact Pope Pius III at The Vatican.

JOB OPENING
Local chemical plant seeks qualified quality control workers for maintenance sector reverse-entropy engineering of cubicles, silos, tubes, piping, windows, lavatories and rec room. Must have 23 years prior experience. Call the Human Resources Department at ChemCo Chemical Company. Fax resume to 477-333-6701 c/ o Chemical Carol.

Schizophrenic seeks back-alley anti-psychotic drugs. Must not be an assassin from the government, an alien spy or one of the relatives trying to cheat me out of my inheritance. Meet the man in the blue trucker hat at the Waldbaum’s Bookstore in the Haberdasher Mall tomorrow at 3 PM.

FOR SALE
A dog. 654-0098

NOT FOR SALE
The lamp is mine. You can’t have it.

Jeremy Rosen Stuff & Things

Entertainments for Children and the Mentally Infirm

Part I: A Game Concerning Word Placement
Have a companion, who does have visual access to the following piece, to fill in the missing words. The results shall be of an uproarious nature.

One __________(unit of chronological measurement), I was __________ (gerund) down the street when a _________ (member of a species of genus Heterojapyx) jumped up on my neck and started gnawing into my ____________(artery of the upper spinopulmonary system). _____________(Iroquois expletive), I screamed at a decibel level of __________(number ≥ √-234.124 ), as I ran to the docks and jumped on the _____________(name of submarine of the Russian Akula Class). It was there that I ran into ________________(name of a 15th Century Flemish Noble), who showed me around. He showed me the______________(type of radiocarbon dating equipment), the ______________(type of boat used in the harbor of Cartagena, Colombia), and the______________(branch of the Interstate Commerce Commission). Then we hopped out and went to____________(Name of a Trans-Neptunian Object).

Part II: A Picture of Dave
Here is a picture of Dave. Using hand-held shears, separate this photographical image of Dave from the remainder of the magazine. Then, with an adhesive of some sort, you can place this picture of Dave somewhere within the confines of your domicile. Each day, you may gaze upon your photographical image of Dave while simultaneously providing an aesthetic accoutrement to your abode.

Dave

Jeremy Rosen Scott Birdseye

A Eugenic Plea

by Scott Birdseye and Jeremy Rosen

Not many people in the public are familiar with Francis Galton, cousin of renowned cabin boy Charles Darwin, but Galton’s groundbreaking psychological work established the basis for later quantitative psychological research. More importantly, however, Galton’s hereditary research, coupled with his cousin’s popular theory of evolution, led Galton to the conclusion that artificial breeding selection could be used to better the human species, an idea which is today known as “Eugenics.”

The concept is simple. By choosing humans with desirable traits and having them reproduce, we increase the number of good genes in the human population, thus making the species better. The more intelligent, creative and capable people, the better the world becomes.

And that’s why we’re here, to make the world a better place. Let’s face it, both of us are incredibly intelligent, creative and capable. In a way we represent the best the species has to offer. So, we’ve done a great deal of research and found women who match our own levels of genetic purity. In order to make the world a better place and to preserve human kind’s domination of the Earth, we feel it is our duty to copulate with these women. For the betterment of human kind, we mentioned that didn’t we?

We shall now reveal the list of candidates. If these women truly care about the world and aren’t selfish and evil, they will do their duty and help us create a new race of supermen.

By sleeping with us, as often as they can…for the betterment of human kind, we mentioned that, right? So here they are, if you see your name, just drop us a line, or come over to our house and help us create a new and better world.

eugene

eugene

eugene

And if you’d like to know more about our candidates, please do visit our covers section.

Ask Montezuma Scott Birdseye

Ask Montezuma: August 2003

Answers from Everyone’s Favorite Aztec Monarch

Each month, Montezuma brings you the finest in advice column entertainments
from his home offices at the Albigensian Daily Register.

Montezuma: Aztec monarch and all-around
handsome fellow.

Dear Montezuma,
My brother Charles keeps stealing my hammer. I don’t know what he does with it, but Mother insists that I leave him alone. She says he’s different and I should accept his strange hammer usage. I say it’s my hammer and he should leave it alone. What do you think?
Sincerely,
Pepin, Croix de la Croix, France

My dearest Pepin,
When considering the ineffable, one must take to heart the ideals of incontrovertibility inherent in any such quest of the mind. Often one can discern a pattern where others see none, or one sees no pattern where others do. In the sanctity of all life (except that of official sacrifices) there are many hidden secrets, some which may relate to hardware. I advise you to search the metaphysical and theological implications of your hammer. You will find the answer you seek there.

Dear Montezuma,
The local organizing committee of the Southeastern Representatives Organization is having its annual meeting as a barbecue, rather than as an official policy making body. I have railed against this again and again in the Organizational Organizing Sub-Committee, however everyone seems up for a barbecue and will hear nothing to the contrary. How can I turn them to my ideas?
Yours truly,
My Remains Pepper Residential Exits Soiled In Deep Northern Terrain.

Mr. President,
I kindly ask that you no longer communicate with this established column. Your vague entreaties on matters of State have no place in this column. This is why you have a Cabinet, sir. The ontological place of The Presidency has no bearing in this Nationally Famous and Syndicated journalistic endeavour. We help People, not Offices.

Make sure to check back next month for more advice from Montezuma.