The Alpha and / or Omega

  • He can make a triangle with four sides.
  • The Grand Canyon.
  • Is omnipotent.
  • God does not suffer from hemorrhoids.
  • Can make a boulder so big that even he can’t lift it.
  • Is that then which no greater can be conceived.
  • Created the eye, which is far more complex than that camera you found on that desolate plain.
  • Wrote the best selling book of all time.
  • Totally got with Mary Magdalene and thus started the Merovingian Dynasty. What dynasty have you ever started?
  • Was friends with John Paul II. Yeah, the good pope, not that loser German jackaninny.

Terrorists Hold Axes & Alleys Hostage

Nutria Terrorist

For the last six weeks the Axes & Alleys offices have been under the control of the Nutria Independence Brigade. Unable to communicate with the outside world without interference, the entire staff has attempted to get word of our predicament out several times, but to no avail. Each time, a watchful, beret-wearing nutria was able to intercept and garble those messages.

I am pleased to announce that WE ARE FREE! The creative department’s DJ Trickyfingers lived up to his name and managed to get ahold of the office staple gun from the storage closet yesterday. Risking his spinning arm, Trickyfingers took out each one of our captors. From the head nutria, who will make an excellent paper weight, to the nutria who mistook our copy machine for a human being, Trickyfingers introduced each to an ignoble end.

We’re still attempting to find production editors Scott Birdseye and Jeremy Rosen, who both seem to have disappeared in the first minutes of the hostage crisis. If you have any information at all on their whereabouts, please let us know. There is a $25 reward.


Delores R. Grunion, Editor-In-Chief