The Society Page

A Description of the Happenings
All About the City of Bestoria

Attack Velocity 2: The Last Attack actress Jacinda
Sporkan returns from her wedding yesterday to Bestoria
Peregrine football quarterback Herb “The Wall” Halloran.
The couple will be taking their honeymoon in York, U.K.

Look who showed up at the Grand Opening of the new
Cannery on the Katharinetowne Industrial Parkway.
That’s right, it’s reclusive author Jamison B. Flindershdtadt,
who sources tell us is getting ready to write the
sequel to his bestseller A Hedgerow for Darius.

Local Bestboy Grip Dave Flan smiles for the
camera while partying at Triscoe’s Bodega.

April 23, 2004
Local Poet Search Turns Ugly.

H.G. Peterson, formerly of Esperia, says the process to choose the Bestoria Poet Laureate has been stymied by literati infighting. Peterson is best known for his amazing “Guide to Monkeys” published within this magazine.

And Peterson just might bail out the municipality’s search committee, which extended its deadline from January to April, when it failed to find any poets within the original two weeks specified who were willing and able to write verse about the General Worthington Expressway.

Though he prefers scarf and fedora to the more traditional laurels, Peterson contends, in various pentameters, that no one is suited more than he to Bestoria’s distinct rhyme and odometer.

“My poetry is synonymous with Bestoria and its people,” he told Axes & Alleys’ Romulus Augustulus. “Naturally, I’m be honored to assume the responsibilities of poetifying Bestoria.”

He’s written only one sonnet and few limericks, and is only published in obscure journals of various reputes, but Peterson is a true star. Earlier this century he helped bring poetry to impoverished Montsylvania. Few poets can point to a run of celebrity wives like he can.

Like other poets, Peterson often references the work of masters who came before him – and not just Thomas O’Reilley of Dublin. Keats wrote “Ode to a Grecian Urn.” Peterson wrote “Ode to the Fishing Trawler Which Brought My Fish.”

“I always wanted to be a monger of some sort,” he said. “It’s just now we call it a poet.”

Will the crusty committee consider Peterson’s work on par with that of Shinny Whitfield or Esther Yeardly?

“We’re not going to throw out his application,” said Arnold “Comfy” Silver, the 104-year-old Montsylvania College of Agricultural Technology Design Arts librarian managing the search.

To be eligible for the three-year honorary position, the poet’s work must contain at least 32 references to things Bestorian or be 26% Bestorian in nature, whichever comes last, and have lived in the general area for five years, and have at least one friend originating from Bestoria. They must also take a 500 question quiz on the historiography of the region and its people and show a fondness of carrots. Upon acceptance of the position they will be crowned with the official Poetic Nipple Rings; a much esteemed piercing.

Peterson says Bestoria was the inspiration for much of his poetry. His favorite, “Cleaning Coffins: The Saga of Brenford II with Persimmons,” refers to Bestoria specifically.

Though he recently left this the city for less poetic pastures in Aardvington, that does not disqualify Peterson from assuming the post, Silver said.

The committee, comprised mainly of area swineherds (who were originally the bastion of Bestoria’s poetic virtue), will review the applications in the coming days.

Gossip about Town

Based upon the experiences of the roving photographers and spies under the employ of this esteemed magazine in relation to persons of a well-known nature in the entertainment arts and sciences.

With Adeline Burris Youngling, Woman of the Metropolitan Area. Ms. Youngling is a fashionable member of the Ladies’ Fig Cake Baking Society of North Uxbridge, Montsylvania.

Eating Emperor
Renee Bautista and Zolban the Magnificent, supreme ruler of the Sepia Sector of the Galaxy, were spotted canoodling at Portly’s Bar and Grill by someone in the know. Our spy told us that Renee was sporting a mighty big kumquat on her finger…

Cloned Copy Banana Eater
Star of film, screen and stage, and major proponent of a meat only diet, Alan Guthman was seen eating a banana on East 1762nd Street. When asked for comment, Guthman’s flak Sid Sidney stated that the person eating the banana was actually Guthman’s new clone Tom.

Conquering Nomenclature
Alexander the Great has completed his campaign through south-central Asia, an area known for high crime and barbarian gang violence. Apparently, Mr. Great has named a city for his horse, Bucephalus, skirting his regular tradition of naming cities for himself. An insider has stated that Anturpal III has planned to name a city in Eastern Parthia after his left shoe, in response.

Seen Not Seen
Who was seen eating northine platunes in the park yesterday? Which famous zoning superintendent has a pregnant teenage daughter, artificially inseminated by the reanimated corpse of a long dead king? How many entertainment lawyers yesterday screwed in a light bulb? Which movie actress had absolutely nothing fantastic to say or do over the last year, including insights into yoga or the Kabbalah?

Head for Hair
Arnold Comproy has created a new method for clothing the human person. “I’ve discovered the brilliant idea of cutting the coverings from common animals, such as sheep and goats, and turning them into a covering for humans.” The new method, not yet named, is tapped to be the greatest invention since the creation of coverings for humans from plant materials.