Classified Ads: Maine 2008

Left-handed widget for use in 3” metric thing-a-ma-bobber. Doodad attachment not included. Mr. Joe Blow, 21 Showdown Plaza, Ingrid, WV 24751.

Pickled glue guns (4) in vat of brine. $73.00 or best offer. Chad McDiormott, Box 10943.

Nickleback. Not the band, but actually the reverse side of a nickel which I delicately bisected with a jeweler’s saw. Two and a half cents. If you don’t have half-cent coins, it’s not a problem. I’ll make you some with my jeweler’s saw. Leonor Soot, 107 Puppet Street, Bicycle Canyon, NY 10087.

Collection of ten plastic novelty flying discs, each with the name of one of the mythical Sumerian kings. Written in Helvetica font. No substitutions. Eliot G. Godfrey, 9 Sutcher St., #4 (ring top bell), New York, NY 10013.

Maniac. House-trained. Comes with own knives, mask and trouble back story. $86.52. World-wide delivery. No refunds. Keeble Barista, 4019-601-23-213, ext. 4058.

Mint condition, in the package, Robotron™ action figures from the second run (1984-1986). Complete set includes Major Courageous®, Contractor®, Destrukto-smahser®, Indicticator®, Captain Underlord®, Cosmo-Ninja®, Count Dragonator®, Eviltron®, Zoomlord®, Robopanther®, Xylon®, Electrofist®, General Death®, and the Celestial Sphere® playset. $1.00 each. Chafer Hardelmere, Box 312.

Explanation of transit systems in major metropoli. Paris, Tokyo, New York & others. For $30.00 I will come to your house and explain transit systems using three different visual aids. Scott Baio, Box 273.

Lithograph of John Stamos. Stamos depicted watering spider plant. $340.00. G.L. Gompers, Box 21.

One thousand, two hundred and eight Polaroid™ photographs of the Shroud of Turin. Free Urdu translation copy of Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird included. Gordon Brown, 10 Downing St., London, SW1A 2AA.

Tacos. There are three tacos that I have, each with seasoned meat, lettuce and cheese in a tortilla shell. $.75 per taco, free wrapping included. R. Starr, 7 Champion St., Verdun, EL.

Popping device for errant balloons. Mine keep escaping and I feel bad that they might be stolen by other helium balloon enthusiasts. Will pay at least $5, but would also be willing to trade unpasteurized milk. Jim Jensen, c/o Jensen’s Balloon Enthusiasms, 45 Main St. Brooklyn, NY 11201

Fifth primary color. Doesn’t quite work with other four primary colors. Only visible in ultra-violet light. B. Queen, El Hivo Apartments #3, West Petunio, Nova Scotia

Fifty New Animals that God Should Create

1. Flying crabs.
2. Sheep with non-itchy wool.
3. Talking meercats, since meercats always look like they’re about to say something interesting.
4. Dogs that stay puppies forever.
5. Tigons and Ligers that can actually reproduce.
6. Rubber-toothed sharks for surfer safety.
7. Chihuahuas that don’t shake so damn much.
8. Butterflies with patriotic flag designs on their wings.
9. Moths that can tell the difference between a light bulb and the Moon.
10. Cuddly snakes.
11. Cats that can do like at least one trick or something.
12. Bishop birds, for the cardinals to oversee.
13. A birddog that doesn’t just find dead birds but is actually like a flying dog with a beak.
14. Bioluminescent elephants.
15. Land whales.
16. Turtles with hinges, so you could open up the shell and see how they work.
17. Gigapedes.
18. Abyssal fish that aren’t quite so nightmarish.
19. Dolphins who don’t give a damn about lost mariners.
20. Something that’s full of tasty lobster meat but doesn’t look so much like a giant sci-fi alien bug.
21. Hippos that don’t kill quite so many people.
22. Parrots that can say interesting things rather than just continually demanding crackers.
23. Squirrels that hand out small containers of relish.
24. Something, anything that actually wears underpants.
25. Rabbits than can play Parcheesi well.
26. Spaceborne orangutans with giant foil wings which produce nutritious energy through simian-compatible chlorophyll.
27. A carnivorous chinchilla which is just as cute as a regular chinchilla, but over 700 times as deadly.
28. Small lizards with built-in rocket/jetpacks.
29. Humans with spines fully-adapted to upright walking.
30. Deer whose eyes shine blinding light at over 100,000 lumens.
31. A species of clam which exhibits astounding sexual differences between its 13 different genders.
32. A wolverine shaped like a VHS tape which feeds on human hands.
33. The sinless manatee.
34. Hyperlinked marmosets.
35. Bees that buzz a major third apart.
36. Penguins in primary colours.
37. Bed bugs that form beds.
38. Hook-length worms that don’t produce mucous.
39. Shrimp which eat plastic bags.
40. Moles what build their hills out of bottle caps.
41. Proper human shemales.
42. Scallops exactly one millimeter thick.
43. Manta rays which grow human skin.
44. Lemon-flavoured bison.
45. Stick insects that die and dry out to create brushes.
46. Giraffes divisible by i.
47. Diatoms which die and leave skeletons usable as nuts for bolts.
48. Purple pigs.
49. Multi-cellular amoeba.
50. Pigeons that double as radio transmitters.

Katie Stalin in Kansas



Lawrence, Kansas – I am a huge basketball fan. Okay, it’s more that I’m a fan of huge basketball players, but I’ll sit through a game for them anyway. That’s why I came to Lawrence after all. James Naismith, the old fogey who invented basketball is buried here. He had this totally awesome brain hemorrhage and then died. Apparently the University of Kansas police don’t like it when you sneak into the Pioneer Cemetery and hold a candle-lit picnic with Naismith’s ghost at three in the morning. They also don’t seem to like being doused with Everclear and set on fire, if the screaming I heard while running away is to be believed.

I got lost in the Bowersock Dam a couple of hours later. I’d stopped off for some nachos at Lawrence’s own El Mezcal, but they were closed because it was 4:30. I broke the lock and made my own though. Anyway, I headed over to the dam, and let me tell you: not impressive. Did you know it takes only 53 bags of trash to gum up the whole spill system?

I mean, they make a big deal about having had the first corrugated paper plant west of the Mississippi, but who really gives a crap about corrugated paper and who had a plant for it first? That’s the kind of stuff that bores you to tears on first grade field trips. Sometimes I think those field trips to the county museum and the river walk influenced the way I behave on trips, but most of the time it’s just how stupid people are. They’re also real happy they had the first “sanitary sewer” in Lawrence. Yeah dudes, pipes for poop!

Later that weekend I did get to help the Lawrence Police Department. Well, sort of. See, I was sunbathing topless in the part near my motel and this hunky dude came over to talk to me. I sort of got him to unzip his pants to show me the tattoo of Shoki the Demon Slayer he said he had, but then all these cops showed up and I had to get out of there.

On my way out of town today I stole a few Naismith Street signs, but otherwise Lawrence just wasn’t much fun. Next up: NEW YORK!!!