College: My Essay About College

By Garnet “Collegebound” Bruell

brad

Hello. My name is Garnet Bruell and I am lots of fun! I like hugs and colors and things that make peeping noises! I am going to go to college with you! Yay! We will be best friends!

I think college is an amazing place where good things happen to people. Going to college is like winning a delicious prize, and you can eat the prize, and after you’re done eating the prize you have a degree in biochemistry and a job at the Dow Chemical Corporation! I like to eat.

College is also a place for thinking. It is also not the only place for thinking. Other places for thinking include my room, my high school, an airplane, a bus, and a boat! But I am not applying to those places. I am applying to you! Thinking is sometimes a very nice thing.

Other people go to college too, so I won’t be the only one there! I would be very sad if I was the only one at college. I might even cry a little. And pee. All over. Because no one would be there to tell me it was bad. Now I kind of hope I am the only one there! But oh well, I am hoping to meet all sorts of people!

I had a lot of fun in high school butthere were also some bad times, like the time I never did any essays for any classes, or the time my lunchbox burned down, or all the math that I ate, or when three of us were locked in an elevator shaft and we had to decide who we were going to eat to survive (It was Jenny!). I hope to continue this “trend of excellence” at college! Also there will be new experiences! I like experiences.

Once, I overcame a great hurdle and achieved my goals! That is something colleges like to hear about. Colleges are very hurdle-oriented. The hurdle I had to overcome was sixteen feet tall and entirely made of fire! My goal was three feet after it though. I didn’t even cheat! I did it. It was all me. I am not lying.

In conclusion, I will have a lot of fun at college. College will be great! I will not defecate in all of the refrigerators. I will also not defecate in the specified toilets. It will be a college surprise! Thank you!

Love,
Garnet Bruell

college graph

The Porcelain Coffin

A Cautionary Tale

by Hack “Sawtooth” Fixspear
As transcribed by Llewellyn Absalom

Now, everbody knows that the turlet is the most dangerous room ever invented.

coffin

You got that there suction thang with a handle. Don’t try sittin’ on it. On the floor there’s tile. I know it looks damn tasty, but eatin’ such is a bad idea. Some people are afeared of the plastic hangin’ across the shower, but don’t fret. There ain’t no bogey men or nothin’ behind that thing.

What I wanna speculate upon today is the shower. Saunter into any of them bathroom fixture places and ask a guy with a name tag about showers. You gotta really ask, though, otherwise you just get some hogwash about the flowin’ capacity and chrome fixtures. Buy the guy a beer and he’ll really start chatterin’. Stories, tons of stories, start pourin’ out about fellers who made that shower their final restin’ place. That’s why, in the Industry, it’s called the Porcelain Coffin.
Continue reading

Sluts

A Point-Counterpoint Discussion

Arguin Sluts

Pro Sluts:
Jules Strickland is a professor of Geo-Politics who has recently authored the award winning book Loose Women and Battery Farms: The Impact of Human Sexuality on American Agribusiness.

From billionaire heiress Dakota Bester to that girl at the bar last night, everyone loves a good slut. Sluts are a vital natural resource in this age of growing plight. From a psychological perspective, sluts are incredibly useful. For instance, even though a man knows a girl is a slut he will still enjoy having sexual relations with her. Though she is a loose woman who will sleep with anyone with a pulse, the slut provides a useful psychological tool for helping men, and even women, deal with their own problems and the problems of society. A man can read the paper and hear about war and terror and death, he can look at his own life and worry about his social status, his bills, his job or even his personal appearance and grooming, but all that fear and doubt about life and the world is washed away in the brief act of sex with a slut. Sluts make us feel good. Even though they only make us feel good for one day or so, sluts allow us to take a vacation from the problems of life; a sex vacation. Take a look at the recent popularity of Dakota Bester. This girl has no talent, no useful skills. She is a leech on her father and on society as a whole. She has only rudimentary intelligence and she’s only slightly attractive. And yet people love to watch her, love to vicariously take part in her adventures. Why is this? The answer is simple: Dakota Bester’s presence in the media reminds us that there are sluts in this world and reminds us that no-strings-attached sex is just a few tequila shots away. Sluts keep us happy and they keep society well balanced. In a word, sluts make the world a better place using only their well-lubricated genitals. Everyone loves sluts.

Anti-Sluts:
Samuel Radget, bataillian economist, founded and is a weekly editorial contributor to Accursed Share Weekly and originated the Reflective Left Foot model of surplus arts and crafts production.

The slut is the same socio-economic symptom as the nouveaux riches. Like those inheritors of wealth they did not earn, sluts spend sexual capital inherited from their forebears without reinvestment or further production of sensual wealth. At once sluts are the feminine analog of junk bonds and the physical coëqual of Chinese intellectual property thieves. While the true woman uses her superiority to continuously build the social bridge into the coming times, the slut steals this capacity, creating a situation not unlike some cheaply mass-produced Fiat or Yugo subcompact car. The momentary wealth of sexual congress is wasted in a frenzy. Whereas the true woman adds value to the market, the slut is only an illegally produced DVD awaiting you on the sidewalk, wrapped in poorly-printed coverings and hocked by Latin American immigrants. The slut does not engage in free trade, per se, but rather epitomizes a highly-leveraged tariff and subsidy system which eventually devalues the common vaginal market. The slut is a non-sustainable commodity amongst a spectrum of viable alternative sources. With the slut comes genital stagflation. With the slut comes decreased consumer confidence. Embrace the slut and you embrace at once Trotskyite thought and rigid dictatorship.
Continue reading