A Discourse on the Subtlety of Attraction

It is a widely known fact that most heterosexual, and even some homosexual, men love attractive women. What is less widely understood is why certain women are particularly attractive; especially since many attractive women look nothing alike. You can take a big curvy Amazon, a little petite ballerina or even a scruffy tomboy and find them all to be highly pleasing to the eye, and to other parts as well. Some psychologists try to boil it down to facial symmetry, some anthropologists might point to the sphericality of breast shape, some biologists might talk of pheromones or child-bearing hips, but for some reason attractive women come in all sorts of different styles.

One way to look at the situation is to realize that there are cute women, pretty women and beautiful women; all of which are different yet still equally desirable. Cute, pretty and beautiful are closely related, often it can be difficult to distinguish one from the other. Usually this is because the person trying to distinguish one from the other is not thinking with his brain. All three types of women have a remarkable ability to shut down any male’s higher brain functions.

It’s most important to note that cute, pretty and beautiful are entirely separate from the other triptych; girl-next-door, virtuous virgin and wildly fun slut. It’s easy to pair each of these three terms with a counterpart; the cute girl-next-door, the pretty virtuous virgin and the beautiful wildly fun slut. This doesn’t work at all though. Any researcher should always keep in mind that there are plenty of cute sluts, pretty girls-next-door and beautiful virtuous virgins. The key question then is, what makes a woman cute, pretty or beautiful?

First, we will explore cute. Often, cuteness corresponds directly to stature. One will find more short cute girls than pretty or beautiful girls of small stature. Cuteness can also be dictated by the facial features; large, pronounced eyes, a small nose and mouth and generally rounded facial types are often the hallmark of the cute woman. One could, if one were so inclined, describe such features as mousey or child-like, although this is not the best comparison, as only the insanely strange enjoy sexual relations with mice or children while almost all men enjoy such activities with cute women.

The pretty woman, on the other hand, is perhaps a bit more classical in appearance. Her features are well arranged, and sometimes even angular in their appearance. Many pretty women are of a taller, but more graceful stature, and their looks could even be called refined. While one might easily call a beautiful or cute female of any age a girl, the pretty female seems to fit the word woman quite well. She is grown up, maybe even tall and elegant and perhaps more serious in her countenance then her beautiful or cute compatriots. There is a sly, cat-like grace about the pretty woman, and even if she is a girl-next-door, her classic exquisiteness always shines through.

Lastly, the beautiful woman seems to embody some of the traits of both the cute and the pretty. In many ways she combines the strengths of both styles into one package that is instantly appealing. She’s more grown up than the cute, but still more unbounded than the pretty. Drifting through all the styles, the beautiful woman is at once elegant and playful. Unlike the cute, who can hide behind bashfulness or the pretty who can hide behind her stoicism, there is no sticking a beautiful woman under a bushel; no matter where she goes she will be noticed by everyone. For it is the beautiful woman, who combines the allure of the cute and pretty, who always gets the attention, whether she wants it or not.

Each of us has known and has fallen in love with women who are cute, who are pretty and who are beautiful. Though each group has its own strengths and particularities that single it out, when it all comes down to the right moment, they are all the same; no matter if a woman is cute, pretty or beautiful, the only important thing is that at least she isn’t fugly.


A Point-Counterpoint Discussion

Arguin Sluts

Pro Sluts:
Jules Strickland is a professor of Geo-Politics who has recently authored the award winning book Loose Women and Battery Farms: The Impact of Human Sexuality on American Agribusiness.

From billionaire heiress Dakota Bester to that girl at the bar last night, everyone loves a good slut. Sluts are a vital natural resource in this age of growing plight. From a psychological perspective, sluts are incredibly useful. For instance, even though a man knows a girl is a slut he will still enjoy having sexual relations with her. Though she is a loose woman who will sleep with anyone with a pulse, the slut provides a useful psychological tool for helping men, and even women, deal with their own problems and the problems of society. A man can read the paper and hear about war and terror and death, he can look at his own life and worry about his social status, his bills, his job or even his personal appearance and grooming, but all that fear and doubt about life and the world is washed away in the brief act of sex with a slut. Sluts make us feel good. Even though they only make us feel good for one day or so, sluts allow us to take a vacation from the problems of life; a sex vacation. Take a look at the recent popularity of Dakota Bester. This girl has no talent, no useful skills. She is a leech on her father and on society as a whole. She has only rudimentary intelligence and she’s only slightly attractive. And yet people love to watch her, love to vicariously take part in her adventures. Why is this? The answer is simple: Dakota Bester’s presence in the media reminds us that there are sluts in this world and reminds us that no-strings-attached sex is just a few tequila shots away. Sluts keep us happy and they keep society well balanced. In a word, sluts make the world a better place using only their well-lubricated genitals. Everyone loves sluts.

Samuel Radget, bataillian economist, founded and is a weekly editorial contributor to Accursed Share Weekly and originated the Reflective Left Foot model of surplus arts and crafts production.

The slut is the same socio-economic symptom as the nouveaux riches. Like those inheritors of wealth they did not earn, sluts spend sexual capital inherited from their forebears without reinvestment or further production of sensual wealth. At once sluts are the feminine analog of junk bonds and the physical coëqual of Chinese intellectual property thieves. While the true woman uses her superiority to continuously build the social bridge into the coming times, the slut steals this capacity, creating a situation not unlike some cheaply mass-produced Fiat or Yugo subcompact car. The momentary wealth of sexual congress is wasted in a frenzy. Whereas the true woman adds value to the market, the slut is only an illegally produced DVD awaiting you on the sidewalk, wrapped in poorly-printed coverings and hocked by Latin American immigrants. The slut does not engage in free trade, per se, but rather epitomizes a highly-leveraged tariff and subsidy system which eventually devalues the common vaginal market. The slut is a non-sustainable commodity amongst a spectrum of viable alternative sources. With the slut comes genital stagflation. With the slut comes decreased consumer confidence. Embrace the slut and you embrace at once Trotskyite thought and rigid dictatorship.
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What I Learned in Kindergarten

And What I Didn’t

The Morning After

There’s a somewhat popular poster than heralds “Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.” Like all other mass-produced greeting-card-wisdom, that poster is full of enough bullshit to fertilize eight square miles of alfalfa fields.

You know what I learned in kindergarten? I learned fuck all. It was a complete waste of my time. For instance, in kindergarten I learned that there are twelve months in a year, I learned their names and I learned the seven days of the week. Neat, couldn’t have figured that out on my own, especially not with the free calendar I got at the supermarket. In kindergarten they also told me that grapes were purple, despite the fact that all the grapes I had ever seen were green, and they taught me that apples were red, despite the fact that my favorite apples were all green. I also learned that ‘a robot’ is not the appropriate response to the question “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

We also took the time to learn shapes. Now maybe this is important if you grow up to become an architect, but honestly, I could probably get through my whole life just fine if I had no idea what a circle or a triangle were called. Seriously, how often do triangles come up in your life? Really, even if it did become necessary at some point, you could look it up if you really had to know what to call a three sided figure.

In kindergarten I also learned to color. This is a really mindless activity. Some company has already produced a drawing and all I can do is add some color with my crayons. Not even oil pastels, crayons, just plain crayons. And what’s with this coloring nonsense anyway? It takes two or more people to be creative and make a picture? That’s not just bullshit, that’s called Communist indoctrination. “You’re not good enough!” these pictures screamed back at me “only collectively can we succeed.” Thank you Skyland Elementary of Tuscaloosa, Alabama, or should I just go ahead and call you Comrade Stalin?

Filipino Monkey Jetpack

Of course there are many things that I’ve wished I could’ve learned in kindergarten, but apparently there wasn’t time, what with all that important information to get across in just one year, such as “B” is for ball. Here’s what I should have been taught in kindergarten.

You know when you wake up in a strange woman’s bed after a night of drunken debauchery and all you want to do is leave, but you can’t because she’s still asleep, and if you leave while she’s still asleep you’ll feel kind of weird?

You know that situation; where you’re in a stranger’s house, sober now, and naked, in front of someone you don’t actually know, because you can’t find your underwear. Couldn’t I have been taught the best way to deal with this situation? Couldn’t this have been included in the kindergarten curriculum?

It’s similar, but different. When your co-worker is cheating on her boyfriend with you, but then you issue an ultimatum telling her that she has to choose between her boyfriend and you and she chooses her boyfriend but then he dumps her a couple days later and she blames you for wrecking her relationship and work gets really weird and uncomfortable? What are you supposed to do in that situation? Couldn’t that have been brought up somewhere between naptime and the Hokey Pokey?

Or like the time when you see a guy get gunned down in the street and you have to sit and watch him die in the street while you wait for the police to get your statement and then you go to the police station and they have you take a seat while they wait to record your testimony and then they sit the murderer right across the table from you while they’re processing his booking. Isn’t that awkward? I still have no idea of how to behave in that situation, but I do know how to stack blocks. Isn’t that useful?

See, kindergarten has failed me, and it’s probably failed you too. It didn’t prepare us for life, hell it barely prepared us for first grade. We should all find our kindergarten teachers and collectively smack them around for half an hour. After all, they wasted a year of our lives. Sure, I can paste construction paper, but what am I supposed to do when I see my dad crying? Humph. Kindergarten, what a gyp.

A Eugenic Plea

by Scott Birdseye and Jeremy Rosen

Not many people in the public are familiar with Francis Galton, cousin of renowned cabin boy Charles Darwin, but Galton’s groundbreaking psychological work established the basis for later quantitative psychological research. More importantly, however, Galton’s hereditary research, coupled with his cousin’s popular theory of evolution, led Galton to the conclusion that artificial breeding selection could be used to better the human species, an idea which is today known as “Eugenics.”

The concept is simple. By choosing humans with desirable traits and having them reproduce, we increase the number of good genes in the human population, thus making the species better. The more intelligent, creative and capable people, the better the world becomes.

And that’s why we’re here, to make the world a better place. Let’s face it, both of us are incredibly intelligent, creative and capable. In a way we represent the best the species has to offer. So, we’ve done a great deal of research and found women who match our own levels of genetic purity. In order to make the world a better place and to preserve human kind’s domination of the Earth, we feel it is our duty to copulate with these women. For the betterment of human kind, we mentioned that didn’t we?

We shall now reveal the list of candidates. If these women truly care about the world and aren’t selfish and evil, they will do their duty and help us create a new race of supermen.

By sleeping with us, as often as they can…for the betterment of human kind, we mentioned that, right? So here they are, if you see your name, just drop us a line, or come over to our house and help us create a new and better world.




And if you’d like to know more about our candidates, please do visit our covers section.