The Porcelain Coffin

A Cautionary Tale

by Hack “Sawtooth” Fixspear
As transcribed by Llewellyn Absalom

Now, everbody knows that the turlet is the most dangerous room ever invented.


You got that there suction thang with a handle. Don’t try sittin’ on it. On the floor there’s tile. I know it looks damn tasty, but eatin’ such is a bad idea. Some people are afeared of the plastic hangin’ across the shower, but don’t fret. There ain’t no bogey men or nothin’ behind that thing.

What I wanna speculate upon today is the shower. Saunter into any of them bathroom fixture places and ask a guy with a name tag about showers. You gotta really ask, though, otherwise you just get some hogwash about the flowin’ capacity and chrome fixtures. Buy the guy a beer and he’ll really start chatterin’. Stories, tons of stories, start pourin’ out about fellers who made that shower their final restin’ place. That’s why, in the Industry, it’s called the Porcelain Coffin.

Accordin’ to some guvmint data I was lookin’ over the other day, nearly 2% of the global population (that means all the folks in the world) dies each year from improper usage of the showerin’ facilities. Now normal folk get in the shower for some cleanin’, but some other folk use it for unnatural purposes.

Some fool I done heard of tried to take a shower. Where was he takin’ it? Last time I took a look, I didn’t see no showers at restaurants. I don’t recall seein’ no showers at the movies, takin’ in the show. One store employee I call Ray, ‘cause that’s his name, told me about a guy who jumped in the shower. Now that’s just crazy. A shower ain’t no trampoline. I’m assured that man died. Once I heard tell of some woman hoppin’ in the shower. Now, we all know that a hop is just a small kind of jump. Didn’t she hear about that man dyin’ from jumpin’ in the shower? That tarnated woman kicked the bucket herself, for sure.

You ever hear your brother Jameson or Aunt Winifred say they was goin’ to hop in the shower? What about jump in the shower? You still got a brother Jameson and your Auntie? You’re one of the lucky ones with smart relations.

I thunk about it a lot and seems to me those idjits just cain’t follow idiomatic language. My Pappy always told that he was goin’ to hop in the shower, but never once did I ever see him bouncin’ around under the shower head. At least, not unless Momma was in there.

Some people, like parsons or Mongols or railroad conductors, don’t know an idiom when it’s surrounded by the bright neon lights o’ Vegas. Most of them who died thought hoppin’ in the shower was how one might could take a shower. And that’s why you know you gotta take your idioms seriously. Those people I talked about didn’t. They’re dead now.

A person, that being you, has got to have a decent sort of respect for a shower, for the porceline coffin, same sort of respect you’ve got to have for a rattler or a grizzly or an jealous lady with a machete. Ain’t no police or Fedral Boro of Investigators gonna save you, only you can save you from the shower.

Dave Hinge
Hack “Sawtooth” Fixspear is a plumbing expert and avid game show viewer.

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