On the Subject of Armored Trains

train

If the recent troubles over the Transvaal have taught lounge parlor strategists but one thing it is the humble idea that military men must take it upon themselves to examine more appropriate use of the armored locomotive in war time.

When the enemies of the Great Republic take up arms to endanger her, good men must be prepared for the struggle, be it with Spaniards, Irish or the Red Indians. The American race has for its use the vast power of our industry: we must and shall endeavor to trans-form the articles of peaceful industry into mighty machines of war; here the coal fired locomotive, perhaps covered in plating of steel, will show itself as the unstoppable Juggernaut of the Coal Age.

Imagine if you will before you a gleaming Titan of Iron: the super armored locomotive. As it belches out smoke and roars to life like a testy lion even the most hardened cynic would find his belly stirred with emotion. Behind the industrial monster could be towed a train of varied carriages and upon many of these could be mounted large artillery pieces; field guns of tremendous fury.

Without fear I can say that our foes will want for so splendid a monstrosity. Instead they will charge at us much as the Persians did at Thermopylae; on foot or on horse-back. Our armies will meet them from the mouth of a steel leviathan, our cavalry shall rout them by attacking their flanks, not on horseback, but brandishing pistol or saber as they speed through in their gleaming, modern motorized carriages.

In the days of old, such as when our forebears met near the waters of Bull Run, wars took years, campaigns months, battles days. In thanks to the Might of Industry, the Republic’s Army now, with the marvels of the armored locomotives, motorized carriages and with the life saving comestible of tinned meat product to sustain them, may subdue an enemy army in
but an hour. Instead of pricking with bullets our Armies will subdue the foe with a rain of shells;enough to level the countryside, to leave only a scape of mud, craters and devastation.

Such will be the glorious future of mechanized, industrial war. So severe will be the enemy’s destruction that they will surrender their sovereignty without delay, ending all wars in a short period and allowing American domination of all dominions, nations and parcels of land, and of the several oceans.

21 Ways to Bore Yourself

Chimp with Paddle
by Rani Stupunagerkee

Mr. Stupunagerkee was an early supporter of forced reverse-vasectomies. His untimely death this past January saddened and surprised the Axes & Alleys staff. Not a one of us believed that Nostradamus’ Century X, Quatrain 99 “La fin le loup, le lyon, boeuf & l’asne, Timide dama seront auec mastins, Plus ne cherra à eux la douce manne, Plus vigilance & custode aux mastins,” referred at all to our dear Ran Ran.
  1. Get an empty soup, vegetable or beer can. Place it on a table. Turn it over.
  2. Engage a mongoloid in conversation. (do not attempt if not equipped with gas viewing hole)
  3. Do not use a screwdriver or any sharp tools.
  4. Remove battleship filler valve cover (if applicable).
  5. Learn about Buddhism.
  6. Remove all air from a sock. (Fig. 2).
  7. Continue reading

Scooter Memories VI

The Thrilling Conclusion

Jeremy Rosen
by Jeremy-Joseph Rosen

There were four white walls to the room, each roughly ten feet by ten feet. Absentmindedly, Scooter attempted to figure out the room’s volume. Then, he remembered that Javier, like all mysterious characters returned from one’s childhood, had given him an assignment.

On the table were four items: a box of matches, a candle, some thumbtacks and a pencil. Before he left the room, Javier had given him instructions.

“Affix the candle to the wall with what I have given you,” Javier had stated “and then I will tell you why the lemons are purple. I know you want to know.”

Sitting on the rumpled bed, Scooter tried to focus his thoughts on the problem at hand. He had to affix a candle to the wall using only a box of matches, some thumbtacks and a pencil. That problem seemed inconsequential. What did seem important was the Register Girl at the K.K.K.

Something about her intrigued Scooter in a way that purple lemons, buttons and even the secret of life itself could not. With a flip of the switch, he turned on the Dictaphone and began to speak:

“I’ll never understand that which I need to understand. I’ll only ever understand that which I am meant to understand.”

For a moment he scratched a private area and began again.
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