21 Ways to Bore Yourself

Chimp with Paddle
by Rani Stupunagerkee

Mr. Stupunagerkee was an early supporter of forced reverse-vasectomies. His untimely death this past January saddened and surprised the Axes & Alleys staff. Not a one of us believed that Nostradamus’ Century X, Quatrain 99 “La fin le loup, le lyon, boeuf & l’asne, Timide dama seront auec mastins, Plus ne cherra à eux la douce manne, Plus vigilance & custode aux mastins,” referred at all to our dear Ran Ran.
  1. Get an empty soup, vegetable or beer can. Place it on a table. Turn it over.
  2. Engage a mongoloid in conversation. (do not attempt if not equipped with gas viewing hole)
  3. Do not use a screwdriver or any sharp tools.
  4. Remove battleship filler valve cover (if applicable).
  5. Learn about Buddhism.
  6. Remove all air from a sock. (Fig. 2).
  7. Continue reading