Ask Montezuma: A King of Kings


Montezuma is a reformed amateur goatherd and current proponent of soy-based space exploration. His spare time is spent donating heating oil to over three Americans.

Dear Montezuma,
My previous landlord told a prospective landlord that I was a great tenant, but left over $30,000 worth of damage to the apartment. However, he never inspected the place, he gave us back our deposit, and he never took us to court for $30,000 in damages; a sane person would. Right? Now it’s hard to find a place. Can you confirm or deny the rumors that the Aztecs had a use for parallel and perpendicular roads?
Geez Tainush
Sebastopol, CA

My darling Tainush, you silly man, don’t you know that there is no use for such things? At least not if you’re any civilization who can tie its own shoes. If you’re just a 12-hutter, don’t bother.

Dearest Montezuma,
I have a rotary saw, a lemon-scented Armor All™, and a law against nude games of Candyland. What good is a sense of taste anyway?
Maron Quinerie
Paris, France

My good friend Boris: Your letter of the 19th gave me great pause (so many letters do). First, your inclusion of a votive milk shake machine in the third part is ridiculous. That you then went on to state TWELVE times that hamster-powered factories are a regional solution suitable in the Southwest, almost, almost made me put down my pen and lunge vainly in your direction with crass, screeching bloodlust. I only knew of authors 17-53 in your 13,000 entry appendix of notes relevant to the fourth paragraph on page 372. No cart was included with the missive for ease of transport. In all the effort generated a poor grade in my book.

Dear Monty,
My father continues to send me semi-weekly shipments of vests. While I do enjoy owning so many woolen, cotton, leather, vinyl, fur, hemp, and cured catgut vests, it seems they are always two sizes too small. Is there a good way to communicate to my father the size disparity in a way which will let my father know the breadth of the situation?
Bards Blosdail
Fanumactory, WI

Bards, I did some preliminary research on you. I noticed in your online profiles that you’re quite fond of and very proud of your begonia-growing hobby. I despise begonias. Firstly because they’re a rather dull flower, more appropriate for a middle-aged and lonely matron unable to find a companion to validate her existence. Secondly, begonias contribute to global poverty. You see, it has been statistically proven that the more begonias are grown, the fewer irises are grown. Irises, as everyone knows, are the source of the world’s caper supply. So, concomitantly, the more begonias there are, the more scarce become capers. You might think that’s okay, but we know that the entire putanesca pasta-sauce industry is based upon the production of capers. Lower the amount of available capers, and you lower the per-capita consumption of spaghetti putanesca worldwide. With that comes an increase in the anchovie population. We all know where that leads…

Hey Montezuma,
I have an interesting question for you. 35 years ago I was a Jane Fonda impersonator. It was only a part-time gig, but I had the body for it and it was good money. Working a party one night I met a man named Barry Wurtzemborg. I believe he was Swedish. We hit it off and he gave me his card hoping for a night on the town at a later date. Do you think I should have called him?
Rikki Lee
Alhambra, CT

Rikki, it does not pay to play footsie with communists. But apart from that I doubt your story is truthful. Swedes do not carry cards. They communicate their intentions through deceit and intrigue. At the very least you may have been deceived, indicating that perhaps Barry Wurtzemborg was Danish. The Danes enjoy pretending to be Swedish at parties.

Dear Montezuma,
I need a theme song. Looking for something about genetics, heuristics, and a love of volleyball. Was thinking something in a flamenco/black metal vein. Any suggestions?
George Scarborough
Moehash Gennessennehaha, WD

Are you the same George Scarborough who once asked me to sign 70 copies of my book A Life More Ordinary: Questions On Cleaning? I can’t believe it only took me six hours to personalize all of those books. Sorry about ripping the back cover off of a few. Sometimes I get angry when I look at myself. I’m sure you understand how painful self-examination can be.

I grew a beard because my ex-girlfriend wanted to see what I looked like with one. Well, it grew on me (ha ha!). But now that we’re through, I’m a bit anxious to shave it down and let it grow back in again. I don’t want her to think I got rid of it because of her. Actually, I like it a lot! Do you think men wearing ankle bracelets is gay?
Tim Poppins
West Roanoka, Dry Michigan

Mr. Poppins, performing fellatio on another male in a back alley is gay. Not wearing an anklet, as they are sometimes termed. The terminology arises from the anklet’s invention in Ankele, Turkey, not from the fact that it is worn about the ankle. Some anthropologists believe it was worn as a sign that the bearer owned cotton. One imagines wearing cotton clothing would be a better signal.

Dear Montezuma,
I’m often compelled to punch people when I’m in an elevator. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s their boldly-exposed craniums, or maybe it’s the confined space. At any rate I have a lot of pent-up rage which manifests in quite violent thoughts. I’ve rarely physically assaulted anyone, but would like to increase my numbers as I think I could kick some ass. Any advice?
Jeremy Rosen
Astoria, NY

Dear Jeremy, have you considered engaging in what the kids call “rough sex.” It can be a good outlet for violent thoughts and the libidinous urge.

montys hints
It is imperative that you keep your keys as disorganized as possible. I suggest keeping your front door key three keys away from the next key you use (say the key to your apartment). All of your car keys should come before your mail key except for one, which will go on the other side of the mail key. Make sure you keep the key to the second lock on your apartment door in a back pocket. This will increase the likelihood that you forget it, get locked out of your apartment, and meet the cute girl from upstairs. This is, of course, if you desire to lead an interesting life. If you’re a creature of habit and efficiency you probably should not have read this.

10 Simple Steps to “Greening-Up” Your Life


1. You can reduce your carbon foot print by bicycling to work. Then again, bicycles are made of aluminum that has to be stripmined. Instead construct your own bicycle out of recycled cardboard and old compost.

2. Leaving the water running while shaving or brushing your teeth can waste over 2,800 gallons of water every year. So save water by avoiding grooming like other dirty eco-nut hippies.

3. Produce has to be trucked across country just to get to your local grocery store. Why not cut down on all that fossil fuel pollution by growing your own vegetables? If you don’t have the time, just enslave some migrant workers. Don’t worry, they’re here illegally and are afraid to go to the police. So really you’ll have carte blanche in how treat them.

4. Always make sure you buy recycled products. If you can’t find recycled products, you can make your own just by rereading yesterday’s newspaper or rewiping with previously used toilet paper.

5. Solar panels can reduce your electricity and heating costs by over 83.3%. For the average American household that’s $200.00 extra dollars a month you can spend on cocaine.

6. Speaking of Colombia, you can save some land from agricultural degradation by using dirt instead of coffee grounds to make your coffee. Most Americans make coffee that tastes like dirt anyway, so it cuts out the pretense, saves on transport costs, and you don’t have to worry about that “fair trade” baloney.

7. You know how putting a brick in your toilet tank will help you save water? Give it a shot with your car by putting a brick in your gas tank.

8. You can save electricity by only listening to music recorded prior to 1965. After that producers started making everything really loud, thus not only getting rid of some wonderful dynamic contrast, but also using up more energy when played in a stereo.

9. Install a small turbine generator above your shower’s drain and you could generate enough power through draining water to keep that MP3 player of yours going for minutes.

10. Commit suicide and make sure that your will stipulates that you’d like to be composted. Nothing says love like eating vegetables nourished by someone for whom you cared. Nothing could be greener, either.

So You Want to Eat an Airplane

airplane eater

Consuming an entire aircraft is a difficult task that requires patience, hard-work and perseverance. The old saying still holds true: Preparation is the difference between eating a whole airplane and eating only half an airplane. To help prepare you for your feat of wonder, we’ve created this handy guide.

  • First determine what type of airplane you want to eat. Champions might be able to handle a Boeing 747 or a C-5 Galaxy, but for your first airplane it’s best to not go for anything larger than a Piper Cub or a Cessna.
  • Once you’ve found a suitable airplane, you’ll need to disassemble it. Remember, it doesn’t count as eating an airplane if you only eat never-assembled aircraft components. They had to have once been assembled and in flying condition or you’re not really eating an airplane, are you?
  • Sort the pieces by material type; rubber, glass, aluminum, wood or fiberglass. Mixed components like gauges go in their own separate pile.
  • There are two schools of thought on how to begin eating an entire airplane; you can start with the easy stuff like tires, seatbelts and cushions, or you can start with the difficult metal and fiberglass. While experts do differ, for a first timer it’s probably best to get the tough stuff over with first so that the rest is an easy down-hill coast to the finish line.
  • Consuming metal isn’t too difficult, once you’ve completed the difficult task of grinding it all down into a fine powder. Simply add four or five tablespoons of ground metal into your favorite sauce, yogurt, or omelet. You should probably no more than a couple of teaspoons in your coffee or soda though. Either way, you’d be surprised how much airplane you can get through in a week .
  • Unshreddable items like seatbelts or cushion stuffing can be puréed in a blender. Add some ice cream, milk and chocolate syrup for a smooth, refreshing treat.
  • Save a tire for last. Invite some friends over and bake the tire with onions, carrots and little potatoes (450 degrees for three hours). As your friends enjoy a fine meal, you can go for the big finish by eating that one last tire with a knife and fork by candlelight. Watch out for those steel belts though, they’re worse than catfish bones.
  • It should take about three to five years to get through a Cessna. Be sure to get checked out regularly for signs of metal poisoning and intestinal lacerations.
  • Once your task is complete, don’t shy away from the limelight. You’ve earned the press attention and the adulation of friends and loved ones. C’mon, you’ve actually eaten an entire airplane and how many people can say that!*
  • Don’t give up. Winners never quit and quitters never eat airplanes.

plane food

*As of this printing only eight people have ever eaten an entire airplane. Mellissa Hodges (A-10 Warthog), Kaitlin Fuller (C-5 Galaxy, Boeing 747, DC-3, B-29 Superfortress), Maureen Ridgely-Smyth (Cessna Skyhawk SP), Ellen Ridgely-Smyth (Learjet 23), Erin Ventuch (MiG 23, F35 Joint Strike Fighter), Catherine Fulcher (Spitfire), Aimee Echo (Sr-71 Blackbird, F117A Nighthawk, X87 Aurora), Molly Pepridge (Piper J3).

Ten Great Tips for Stalking Azura Skye

azura skye

  • Wear comfortable shoes. Often overlooked, but important, comfortable footwear will help you a great deal, because stalking Azura Skye will keep you on your feet for long hours. Why not try sneakers with some gel insoles. We hear she really likes gel insoles.
  • Eat well. Following Azura Skye around is almost a full time job. Often you don’t have the time to grab a real meal so you’ll end up stopping at a fast food place for something to keep you going. That means you keep eating greasy junk food. Why not take some bags of sliced celery or baby carrots with you to munch on? That way you can grab a bite of something good for you and keep an eye on Azura Skye the whole time.
  • Get a good breakfast. Remember, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, don’t neglect it because you’re in a rush to get out of the house to start stalking. A car won’t run without gasoline and you won’t stalk well without breakfast.
  • Warm up before hand. How many times have you been chased by studio security guards only to develop shin splits after a hundred yards or so? Be sure to stretch those calves and leg muscles. Do a few warm up exercises before you try and sneak into Azura Skye’s window.
  • Dress in layers. Since stalking Azura Skye involves spending a lot of time outside, be sure to wear a few layers so you can adapt to temperature changes. It can get chilly, even in Los Angeles, so take your jacket.
  • Carry an umbrella. You never know when it might rain, so why not be prepared? It’s no fun stalking Azura Skye when you’re soaking wet and shivering.
  • Plan your route before hand. No one likes endless driving or sneaking around. Before you leave in the morning, plan the day. Will it be spent hanging out in the bushes by her house, or trying to sneak into the studio where she works? Planning ahead will save you aggravation and gas money.
  • Go the extra mile. Why send your love letters on plain old copy paper when you can get fancy resume paper for as little as 10 cents a sheet at most stationary stores? That extra little effort may pay off in the end.
  • Take a flashlight. How many times have you been in the dark shrubbery near Azura Skye’s home and gotten lost because of the lack of light. Take a flashlight and you’ll find your way every time. Be sure to take extra batteries, just in case.
  • Have fun. In this hectic world, it’s easy to get caught up in things. Remember, stalking Azura Skye is supposed to be fun, so don’t take it so seriously. Have a good time with it and enjoy yourself.

Helpful Vacation Tips

Helpful Vacation Tips

1. Be sure to take off work during your vacation. Nothing spoils a trip to Hawaii like having to commute six thousand miles back to work every day.
2. Before traveling abroad, first check with the U.S. State Department to make sure the country you’re traveling to actually exists. Remember, the Byzantine Empire hasn’t existed for 500 years, so you can’t actually go there anymore.
3. Mousetrap is an incredibly popular game the world over. Remember to bring it with you and you’ll be sure to make friends wherever you go, especially Laos.
4. In the Arctic, the sun doesn’t set for months at a time. It’s never night time, so you don’t have to sleep and can save a lot of money since you don’t need a hotel room or a bed. Bartenders are also never sure when it’s happy hour.
5. While airplanes do have an excellent safety record, they still occasionally crash. Keep in mind that there hasn’t been a Zeppelin crash in over eight decades. The record for manned kites and ironclads is even better.
6. To save money traveling overseas, just swim. A healthy adult should be able to make it across the Atlantic in only a month or two. Don’t forget your goggles.
7. Most foreign countries have their own currencies. But sometimes U.S. arcade tokens can be used in foreign skeeball games.
8. When abroad, you may need a knob converter to open foreign doors.
9. A handy phrase to remember is “I’m an American and your laws don’t apply to me.”
10. Never leave home without your spelunking trowel. Ever.
11. Time can drag on a long flight, so have some reading material on hand; like Churchill’s 20 volume history of WWII, or a pamphlet about Rock City. Either will do.
12. You might be tempted to get some local culture while abroad, but don’t be suckered into seeing local music. It usually involves weird instruments and costumes, not guitars.
13. Almost every country on the planet has its own species of magpie. Make sure you pack your magpie detector.
14. If you’re vacationing in the United States, remember that it has a handy interstate highway system for driving. Their names often start with a letter and end in a number.
15. Finland has no month of October on their calendar, so if you travel there during that month, keep in mind that for them it’s actually November.
16. Snakes can be found in many regions, if you’re into that sort of thing.
17. Duty free shops in international airports are where you can pick up stuff without paying taxes. Go for high-priced items like jewels or cars. You can try selling stuff there, too, but make sure you stand near the exit.
18. If you really like a place, consider staying there and never coming back. We don’t want you anyway.
19. Make a game out of your vacation by seeing how much work you can do away from the office.
20. Challenge yourself by using a large plastic bag as your only luggage. See what you can fit inside.
21. The point of going on vacation is to relax, but foreign countries can often befuddle one with their confusing customs. If you’re American, try eating only at popular American fast food chains to calm your nerves.
22. It is often said that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. This is not true of Portugal.
23. Hiking can be fun, but you do risk getting lost. If this happens you might be tempted to walk in the same direction to find your way. The world is round, though, so trying something of a spiral pattern would work better.
24. It has often been said that aboriginal peoples know their surroundings better than people living in the developed world. If you get captured, distract your captors by asking them what the plants and animals are called.