On the Subject of Armored Trains


If the recent troubles over the Transvaal have taught lounge parlor strategists but one thing it is the humble idea that military men must take it upon themselves to examine more appropriate use of the armored locomotive in war time.

When the enemies of the Great Republic take up arms to endanger her, good men must be prepared for the struggle, be it with Spaniards, Irish or the Red Indians. The American race has for its use the vast power of our industry: we must and shall endeavor to trans-form the articles of peaceful industry into mighty machines of war; here the coal fired locomotive, perhaps covered in plating of steel, will show itself as the unstoppable Juggernaut of the Coal Age.

Imagine if you will before you a gleaming Titan of Iron: the super armored locomotive. As it belches out smoke and roars to life like a testy lion even the most hardened cynic would find his belly stirred with emotion. Behind the industrial monster could be towed a train of varied carriages and upon many of these could be mounted large artillery pieces; field guns of tremendous fury.

Without fear I can say that our foes will want for so splendid a monstrosity. Instead they will charge at us much as the Persians did at Thermopylae; on foot or on horse-back. Our armies will meet them from the mouth of a steel leviathan, our cavalry shall rout them by attacking their flanks, not on horseback, but brandishing pistol or saber as they speed through in their gleaming, modern motorized carriages.

In the days of old, such as when our forebears met near the waters of Bull Run, wars took years, campaigns months, battles days. In thanks to the Might of Industry, the Republic’s Army now, with the marvels of the armored locomotives, motorized carriages and with the life saving comestible of tinned meat product to sustain them, may subdue an enemy army in
but an hour. Instead of pricking with bullets our Armies will subdue the foe with a rain of shells;enough to level the countryside, to leave only a scape of mud, craters and devastation.

Such will be the glorious future of mechanized, industrial war. So severe will be the enemy’s destruction that they will surrender their sovereignty without delay, ending all wars in a short period and allowing American domination of all dominions, nations and parcels of land, and of the several oceans.

An Enlightened Editorial

From the Desk of Mary Tarzan

Dr. Mary Tarzan is Governor of the State of Ponderada, and holds a PhD in Astronomical Physics. See, and you didn’t believe that hot girls could be smart. Man, you’re shallow and naïve.

Recently, there have been reports of war, or war-related happenings throughout the various locations, which, when viewed as a whole, combine to form that which we would describe or categorize by the nomenclature “the World.”

Why must one group, or two or more allied groups, take up arms against a second group, or grouping of alternately allied groups? Do their religions or ethnic makeup differ so significantly that armed conflict becomes the best of the available policy options? Perhaps the antecedent of disagreement is different attitudes held toward the nature of government, vis-à-vis city-states versus a federal system, or perhaps it is something even more fundamental, such as differing economic levels, caste, or colour of sash. One could dare say that perhaps it is as petty as resources; i.e., one group possessing a scare resource while the other group wishes to take and keep it as their own.

It saddens me to a degree which is deep to think on the subject of war and war-related occurrences. Death, wounding, maiming, incapacitation, destruction, endesolation and horrible horrors are hardly a fit subject around which one can wrap his or her well apt mind.

As for me, I shall instead choose a more enwelling mental preoccupation; one which is far more enriching than conflict, war and war-related conflicts. Indeed, I shall focus my mental thoughts on the natural beauty and wonder of the sublime tractor. Oh, shall joy unceasing be liken unto a well guarded possession for me and those like me who choose tractors as their subject for conjecture and discourse.

Behold the glories of Earth and Heavens! Behold! A tractor shines forth. Lo, for tractors may be places in that set of things which can be defined by the shared attribute that is the quality or condition of being cool.