by Rani Stupunagerkee
Mr. Stupunagerkee was an early supporter of forced reverse-vasectomies. His untimely death this past January saddened and surprised the Axes & Alleys staff. Not a one of us believed that Nostradamus’ Century X, Quatrain 99 “La fin le loup, le lyon, boeuf & l’asne, Timide dama seront auec mastins, Plus ne cherra à eux la douce manne, Plus vigilance & custode aux mastins,” referred at all to our dear Ran Ran.
- Get an empty soup, vegetable or beer can. Place it on a table. Turn it over.
- Engage a mongoloid in conversation. (do not attempt if not equipped with gas viewing hole)
- Do not use a screwdriver or any sharp tools.
- Remove battleship filler valve cover (if applicable).
- Learn about Buddhism.
- Remove all air from a sock. (Fig. 2).
- Organize checkers by shape.
- Repeat items 6 and 7 if necessary.
- Warm the Earth in your hand for 10 seconds. Then, wait at least two minutes. (Must be God, or similar.)
- Adjust e to desired value.
- Replace cap on a butane refill canister.
- Apply Biblical verse to home plumbing repair.
- Purchase a roll of duct tape (or duck tape) and a cardboard tube. Transfer tape to cardboard tube. You now have a homemade roll of duct tape (or duck tape).
- See how many times you can count The Moon.
- Place steak in pan. Do not turn on stove.
- Rename your area of expertise “Mountain Climbing.” Claim you are an expert mountain climber.
- Throw tomatoes at wall. (repeat as necessary)
- Write letter to pushpin manufacturer*, requesting some more information.
- Practice forgetting how to tie shoes.
- Inspect gravity with a magnifying glass.
- Watch paint wet.
*Moore Pushpin Co.
1300 East Mermaid Lane
Wyndmoor PA 19038-7664
Impex Systems Group, Inc.
2801 NW 3rd. Avenue
Miami, FL 33127