21 Ways to Bore Yourself

Chimp with Paddle
by Rani Stupunagerkee

Mr. Stupunagerkee was an early supporter of forced reverse-vasectomies. His untimely death this past January saddened and surprised the Axes & Alleys staff. Not a one of us believed that Nostradamus’ Century X, Quatrain 99 “La fin le loup, le lyon, boeuf & l’asne, Timide dama seront auec mastins, Plus ne cherra à eux la douce manne, Plus vigilance & custode aux mastins,” referred at all to our dear Ran Ran.
  1. Get an empty soup, vegetable or beer can. Place it on a table. Turn it over.
  2. Engage a mongoloid in conversation. (do not attempt if not equipped with gas viewing hole)
  3. Do not use a screwdriver or any sharp tools.
  4. Remove battleship filler valve cover (if applicable).
  5. Learn about Buddhism.
  6. Remove all air from a sock. (Fig. 2).

  7. sock

  8. Organize checkers by shape.
  9. Repeat items 6 and 7 if necessary.
  10. Warm the Earth in your hand for 10 seconds. Then, wait at least two minutes. (Must be God, or similar.)
  11. Adjust e to desired value.
  12. Replace cap on a butane refill canister.
  13. Apply Biblical verse to home plumbing repair.
  14. Purchase a roll of duct tape (or duck tape) and a cardboard tube. Transfer tape to cardboard tube. You now have a homemade roll of duct tape (or duck tape).
  15. See how many times you can count The Moon.
  16. Place steak in pan. Do not turn on stove.
  17. Rename your area of expertise “Mountain Climbing.” Claim you are an expert mountain climber.
  18. Throw tomatoes at wall. (repeat as necessary)
  19. Write letter to pushpin manufacturer*, requesting some more information.
  20. Practice forgetting how to tie shoes.
  21. Inspect gravity with a magnifying glass.
  22. Watch paint wet.

Chimp with Gameboy

*Moore Pushpin Co.
1300 East Mermaid Lane
Wyndmoor PA 19038-7664

Impex Systems Group, Inc.
2801 NW 3rd. Avenue
Miami, FL 33127

4 Comments

  • March 28, 2006 - 12:06 am | Permalink

    Good stuff… if you’re bored.

  • Lionel Buxton Humbridge
    March 28, 2006 - 2:57 pm | Permalink

    I’ve heard tell that if doing these things in front of others, they become 21 Ways to Entertain Yourself.

  • March 28, 2006 - 4:34 pm | Permalink

    #1 way to bore yourself:
    read this damned article

  • Lionel Buxton Humbridge
    March 28, 2006 - 4:46 pm | Permalink

    Now, now, Zomgz, that would be entirely too much like Mad Magazine to be that type of self-referential. What do you believe we are here, quality?

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