Category Archives: Jeremy Rosen

Home Improvement Tips

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For the Weekend Handyman

By Dave Glasseye

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Dave Glasseye is a bio-carpenter whose specialty is building parrot enclosures for the Saudi Royal Family.

  • When installing a helipad in your backyard be sure to check with your local magistrate to ensure that your pad has the proper support buttresses for your helicopter’s weight class.
  • Building a deck can be a fun project for the weekend. Why not use wood as a deck material?
  • Hammers serve many functions; they can be used to force in nails, pry out nails, or as a weapon in your series of gruesome and senseless murders.
  • You can make a simple hot tub out of a fifty gallon drum and a propane grill.
  • It can be easy to get distracted in the middle of a project. If you do get distracted or bored with your home improvement project try watching the Michael York movie Logan’s Run. It presents a chilling vision of things to come.
  • Always be sure that you have a ratchet screwdriver on hand. We’re not sure what they do exactly, but they’re probably important.

shack

  • Cyprus is an island in the Mediterranean divided between Greek and Turkish factions. Put this important information on a laminated card and carry it in your wallet whenever you do any work on your radiators.
  • Propane is highly flammable. Be certain to wear one of those cool silver suits if you plan to set stuff on fire.
  • According to federal regulations, all missile silos located in residential areas can only house projectiles armed with conventional explosives. Even low yield tactical nuclear weapons must be located no less than 5000 meters from a school, hospital or public library.
  • Foreign diplomats like fancy drinks like Gin and Tonics or Margaritas. Remember that when you go down to embassy row to pick up a truckload of the diplomats who hang out in front of the hardware store looking for work.
  • Although it may sound like a good idea, experts state that four is probably more refrigerators than even a morbidly obese Catholic family needs.
  • Check with the Federal Transportation Commission before trying to build a mini railroad in your living room. Wasn’t that little railroad they had on Silver Spoons cool? Didn’t you totally want one?
  • Though they may seem cool, experts agree that rubber nails are a really bad idea. The same with glass hammers and wooden anvils.

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  • Building a dog house can be an excellent way to spend the weekend. The great thing about doghouses is that they don’t have to be good because dogs are stupid and don’t even know that their house is a load of crap.
  • Grout and mildew can be big problems for bathroom fixtures. Cleaners and gunpowder often fail to work so this time why not try reasoning with the mildew? Sometimes all it needs is a good talking to.
  • Installing a tropical fish tank in your bathroom will give your W.C. a regal, nouveau riche feel. If you can’t afford a fish tank, you can get the same effect by just letting an ornery octopus live in your toilet.
  • Riding lawn mowers make yard care a snap! If you don’t have a riding lawn mower you can have the same fun just by driving cars over the lawn. Be sure to tape some kitchen knives underneath to keep that grass short and clean.
  • Be sure to consult your owner’s manual for a list of user-serviceable parts. Fixing something that’s not on that list may void your house’s warranty.
  • If you’re looking for some cheap extra help with your next project check with your local zoo. You’d be surprised how quickly the average chimp can learn to use a band saw.
  • Learn at least seven new swear words, that way when you nail your hand to a board you won’t endlessly repeat the
  • same expletives.

Television Listings

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Marsday, Aphros 12th Nine O’ Clock

(Post Meridian)

BBA: Bless This Mess (Comedy): Troy (Marc Trainstation) fears that he has lost his pumpkin. Belinda (Mary Sweetly) hires a group of Puerto Ricans to track it down with hilarious results.

NWA: Richmond County (Drama): Wendy (Tricia Trapdoor) and Valium (McGeorge Duphraine) decide that they are going to lose their virginity after the town’s Bacon Festival. Michael (Don Head) tells Lorrie (Erin Bee) that he was the one who had exchanged Millard Fillmore’s head for a truckload of fruit bats.

TWA: Vanity (Reality): A group of selfish, self-obsessed, vain morons battle for the right to see who can climb K2 using only three fish and an artificial heart valve replacement.

BED: Law, Order and a Retarded Chicken (Drama): Detectives stumble across a burnt, dead corpse and must find the killer before he strikes again. Meanwhile the retarded chicken pecks at a Coke can for twenty minutes.

LOGIC: Logically Determined Unsolvable Problems (Reality): Drs. Tom Baker Smith and Peter Davies Ronaldson discuss formal symbology in a raucous tea-time debate (viewer discretion advised, mild violence).

OUT: Endocrine X5 (Mini-Series): Angela Dowd (Prissy Sanders) discovers a pre-historic parasite on Alex Wall (Andrew Winston). President Armstrong (himself) is called in to solve the crisis facing humanity.

ATF: Herstorectomy (Comedy): Dal Blankenship (Warren Ellis) decides to forego oranges this week. Cassie (Marge Obush) tries to seduce him. Orange (voiced by Pete Taverdi), performs a heartwarming musical number (cc).

KPB2: Evening Business Report (News): The McNeil twins, Tricia and Heidi, report the day’s business news. This week Tricia reports from the North Pole while Heidi reports from the South Pole (in Spanish).

fireplanet

DDTV: Fireplanet! (SciFi): The crew of the Shenzhou XIX discover a new planet. When they land, Captain Jian Zhou Lo (Albert Ryder) discovers the surface to be made entirely of fire. In his death he radios this fact to the rest of the crew. Dr. Shin Bla Seng surmises the planet may actually be a star.

PBR: JuJuBe(Drama): Alien invaders hold Allen (Dean Johnson) hostage while Sally (J.P. Morgan) and JuJuBe (Stephen Porter) attempt to find the source of the town’s mysterious smell. Meanwhile, Chintzy (Honor Cumming), manager of Allen’s Chowder House, faces a pile of unpaid pornography bills.

V3.96: Idiot Zoo (Comedy): Crack oval inspector Annette Tombaugh (Kirsten Dunst) finds another woman’s panties in her sock drawer. Clyde (William H. Macy), her father, drinks himself into a stupor in the Sears audio-visual department while Annette’s mother, Patsy (Jane Fonda), creates the first doily capable of destroying Venice. Brother Alden (Michael Ian Black) takes a road trip across Bolivia with Sir Isaac Newton.

BACH: Bach (Music): Continued broadcast of the entire Sex Pistols catalog.

PanAm: Double Jeopardy (Game Show): Amy Wakowski is retried for the crime of larceny, despite her 1991 acquittal for the same charge.

The Ulster Channel: Nosh(Comedy): The Troop find a treasure map and rediscover Uncle Finster’s old dentures which had been stolen by a frightening squid. Sal (Dustin Diamond) forgets to wear pants on Silly Pants Day down at the methadone clinic.

U238: Crime and Punishment: (Drama): Detective Spoon (Maurice Yap) finds a hat that once belonged to Czar Nicholas I. Officer Gravel (Lauren Skala) steals a helicopter in an attempt to discover the secret of what makes Manwhiches so tasty.

The Herstory Channel: Secrets of the Nazi Bread (Documentary): New information is revealed about Hitler’s private stash of pumpernickel, rye, whole wheat toast and possibly even challah. Special musical guest: Linkin Park.

MUD:In Search of Crossword Puzzles (Documentary): Leonard Nimoy looks through the daily papers and examines the crossword puzzles only to get stuck on #26 Across: 8 letters, journey through space, TV show.

hospital

REM: A Hospital (Drama): While Dr. Domicile (Lou Whorey) insults various injured persons, the other doctors attempt to diagnose a case of Legionnaire’s Disease that has overcome a high school drama class. Dr. Abby Lockheart (Maura Tierny) remains strangely alluring.

XYZ: Battlezone Omega(Science Fiction): Commander Zim (Tim Conway) must go into the heart of the enemy fortress in order to find a cure for a deadly plague that has been wiping out the penguin colonists of Wonton III. Evil Princess Yizkiz (Audrey Hepburn) attempts to stop him with her army of yodeling mice.

WP: Buffy the Zeppelin Pilot: (Drama): Buffy (Sarah-Mitchel-Gregor-Prince Jr.) realizes Spike (James McMasters) is under a spell which causes him to turn into a Sopwith Camel. Xander (Czar Nicholas II) and Willow (Allyson Hamburg) fight to the death to see who will get the larger portion of a tasty key lime pie.

UPS: Death Before Dollars (Game Show): Three Japanese samurai choose honor and glory in death over wonderful cash prizes and an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii.

AMPM: The Life of Riley (Drama): Riley (Superman) is framed for the murder of Mr. Caruthers (Aquaman). Kylie (Batman) must decide which disinfectant works better while Old Man Johnson (Wonder Woman) continues growing chickens on the battery farm.

MATM: Porkpie (Drama): Jennifer (Sassy Rubin) discovers she’s pregnant by feed store proprietor Jim Lemmings (Henry Alister). She gets an abortion at Dr. William’s clinic. Everyone cries about it.

VIB: Furbles (Comedy): The Furbles discover a new continent populated by primitive hunter-gatherer peoples. They soon bring death and destruction to the populace, incinerating thousands with the Cotton Candy Ray and Happy Fun Gun. Guest-starring Janet Reno as Count Zreebus and that kid from E.T.: The Extraterrestrial as Elbert.

RJR: The Smoke Files (Documentary): The R.J. Reynolds Corporation brings this smashing account of lobbying intrigue to television exposing the lies of anti-smoking campaigns across the globe (while introducing it’s new cigarette brand, Sharky). Mario Van Peebles hosts.

WPC: Go to Jail (Comedy): Jimmy Two Legs (Simon Wheeler) takes a less-than-friendly bodily intrusion from Mix Master Murder (MC Cuban). Child molester and home repair guru Peter Emanuel (John Redfern) discovers a way out of the prison. Warden Warden (Don Rickles) can’t seem to find his paper clips today.

IPC: The Bible (Documentary): Using archival footage, Dr. Samuel Brodenstein shows the glory of God’s creation of the Universe.

The Thank You Channel: Thank You (Reality): This week, thank yous from Kentucky.

KPB: The World of Rocks (Documentary). An exciting exploration of the several types of rocks found in Kalisotta Dairy Queen parking lots. Michael Palin (Terry Jones) touches a few of the rocks with a wet stick.

dakota

LNRW: Dakota is Bester (Reality): This week, billionaire heiress Dakota Bester invents a magnesium cupric-sulfide compound deemed by so-called experts to be impossible. Pal Lucy Borden rewires New York City, creating a more electrically efficient metropolis and saving the government billions of dollars annually.

College: My Essay About College

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By Garnet “Collegebound” Bruell

brad

Hello. My name is Garnet Bruell and I am lots of fun! I like hugs and colors and things that make peeping noises! I am going to go to college with you! Yay! We will be best friends!

I think college is an amazing place where good things happen to people. Going to college is like winning a delicious prize, and you can eat the prize, and after you’re done eating the prize you have a degree in biochemistry and a job at the Dow Chemical Corporation! I like to eat.

College is also a place for thinking. It is also not the only place for thinking. Other places for thinking include my room, my high school, an airplane, a bus, and a boat! But I am not applying to those places. I am applying to you! Thinking is sometimes a very nice thing.

Other people go to college too, so I won’t be the only one there! I would be very sad if I was the only one at college. I might even cry a little. And pee. All over. Because no one would be there to tell me it was bad. Now I kind of hope I am the only one there! But oh well, I am hoping to meet all sorts of people!

I had a lot of fun in high school butthere were also some bad times, like the time I never did any essays for any classes, or the time my lunchbox burned down, or all the math that I ate, or when three of us were locked in an elevator shaft and we had to decide who we were going to eat to survive (It was Jenny!). I hope to continue this “trend of excellence” at college! Also there will be new experiences! I like experiences.

Once, I overcame a great hurdle and achieved my goals! That is something colleges like to hear about. Colleges are very hurdle-oriented. The hurdle I had to overcome was sixteen feet tall and entirely made of fire! My goal was three feet after it though. I didn’t even cheat! I did it. It was all me. I am not lying.

In conclusion, I will have a lot of fun at college. College will be great! I will not defecate in all of the refrigerators. I will also not defecate in the specified toilets. It will be a college surprise! Thank you!

Love,
Garnet Bruell

college graph

10 Ways to Get Free Ham

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Free Ham Abounds! Follow these ten tried and true methods and you’ll be munching down mounds of the pink meat in no time.

  1. Go to a restaurant of your choice and order a big, juicy ham steak. Have them fry it because fried ham steaks are the best. Then, when the bill comes just run like hell. Make sure you take time to digest first, otherwise you’ll get cramps.
  2. You know your friends? You can ask your friends to buy you some ham. Chances are that at least one of them will say yes eventually.
  3. Check the dumpsters and trash cans in your neighborhood. Maybe someone threw away some ham.
  4. Next time you’re at the Kroger, Bi-Lo or the C-Town, just go to the meat section and stuff some ham down your pants.
  5. If you’re a girl, you can accept a date from a guy and then order ham when he takes you out to dinner. He’ll pay for dinner and all you have to do is put out to get some free ham.
  6. Somehow have yourself named judge of the ham tasting competition at the county fair. You can taste all the best hams from farmers about the place and give the blue ribbon to the best one. Unlike wine tasting, you actually get to swallow the ham. Not too shabby.
  7. Using off-the-shelf Adobe© PhotoshopTM you can create a fake coupon for free ham. Redeem this at your local butcher shop, super market or other ham purveyor.
  8. Pray to God. Ask him, in His infinite mercy, to give you free ham. Warning: Do not pray to the Jewish or Muslim Gods, they hate ham. Only Jesus brings free ham to your dinner table. Go, Christ, go!
  9. Find someone who already has ham. Maybe they’re blind, crippled, elderly, or otherwise weak and incapacitated. You can easily beat them up and take their ham. Don’t be afraid to kick them while they’re down, especially if they’re in a wheel chair or have crutches.
  10. Visit a relative. When they ask what you’d like for dinner, tell them that you want ham. Then they’ll cook ham and you can eat it for free because relatives won’t charge you for dinner.

    11. Hey, save some of that free ham for me, okay!

    ham radio
    Love that Ham: HAM radio is a different sort of ham than we are talking about.

News of the World: February 2005

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How America Can Win the War

Victory

In the wake of the disastrous defeats at Patagonia and Surinam, America and its Allies have been on the defensive, unable to amass forces for a major counter-attack. They have been forced into a pin-prick strategy of minor raids against the Bad Guys’ ever-expanding front.

Though Armstrong stated in his weekly speech at the Capital Pie Tasting Competition that he remains optimistic, members of the voting public are beginning to grow war weary. “Surrender is not an option, defeat is not an option, withdrawal is not an option and retreat is not an option,” stated Armstrong between over-generous portions of key lime and banana cream pies. Wiping his robust whiskers of debris, Armstrong continued his list of non-options well into the night until aides finally led him into a waiting pickup truck which featured a hemi.

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Though it is now clear what our options are not, we must still endeavor to determine what our options are. For this purpose we gathered a group of leading think-tank members, think-tank enthusiasts and several fish-tank salesman who misread the flyers and showed up anyway. They have outlined five options America has; five options to lead us back onto the road toward victory.

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Streamlining the Fighting Force
It may be best for America to focus its resources on its effective fighting machines and forces, rather than relying on what Sun Tzu would refer to as a “Smorgasbord Defense.” While Balloon Brigades and Puppet Patrols may score morale points on the home front, they are not as effective as our stealth fighters, mobile infantry divisions, missile ships or armored helicopters. There simply is no place in modern warfare for synchronized biplanes, tactical violin squads, bear-mounted cavalry or vibrantly painted ironclads.

Gain New Allies
While the Canadian Confederation and the Neoaustrohungarians are behind us all the way, it would be prudent for America to expand its Ally Base so as to bring more guns to bear against the Bad Guys. Sinonipponesia’s offer to enter the war in exchange for two million dollars and the State of Vermont may be worth considering at this point. Especially since Vermont’s overwhelming Asian population (93.6 %) has been rather vocal in its support of this deal.

Better Commanders
General Alexander “Lucky T-Bone” Halstead is a popular war hero, but his tactic of wild suicidal frontal attack is not the best plan in every situation. While it did gain us victory at the Battle of Cyprus, in every other situation the suicidal frontal assault has resulted in high casualties and ignoble defeat. Halstead’s only other tactic, the so-called Naked Spin Assault, is not really an assault per se. Simply having the troops strip naked and spin around until they collapse from dizziness or laughter has not been shown to be an effective infantry tactic.

War Time Rationing
Peace is our goal, but peas are the means. Regular green peas and so called “fancy peas,” including those loose or in pods, may grow increasingly scarce as the war continues. By limiting pea consumption and hoarding by civilians, we can keep our peas at the front where they’re needed.

Making Sure the Tank is Clean
Keeping algae and bacteria populations down requires vigilant cleaning. A proper filter can also help, both with cleanliness and with oxygenation of the water in the tank. A well cared for tank will not only look better, but will help your fish be happier, healthier and more vibrant.