Free Ham Abounds! Follow these ten tried and true methods and you’ll be munching down mounds of the pink meat in no time.
- Go to a restaurant of your choice and order a big, juicy ham steak. Have them fry it because fried ham steaks are the best. Then, when the bill comes just run like hell. Make sure you take time to digest first, otherwise you’ll get cramps.
- You know your friends? You can ask your friends to buy you some ham. Chances are that at least one of them will say yes eventually.
- Check the dumpsters and trash cans in your neighborhood. Maybe someone threw away some ham.
- Next time you’re at the Kroger, Bi-Lo or the C-Town, just go to the meat section and stuff some ham down your pants.
- If you’re a girl, you can accept a date from a guy and then order ham when he takes you out to dinner. He’ll pay for dinner and all you have to do is put out to get some free ham.
- Somehow have yourself named judge of the ham tasting competition at the county fair. You can taste all the best hams from farmers about the place and give the blue ribbon to the best one. Unlike wine tasting, you actually get to swallow the ham. Not too shabby.
- Using off-the-shelf Adobe© PhotoshopTM you can create a fake coupon for free ham. Redeem this at your local butcher shop, super market or other ham purveyor.
- Pray to God. Ask him, in His infinite mercy, to give you free ham. Warning: Do not pray to the Jewish or Muslim Gods, they hate ham. Only Jesus brings free ham to your dinner table. Go, Christ, go!
- Find someone who already has ham. Maybe they’re blind, crippled, elderly, or otherwise weak and incapacitated. You can easily beat them up and take their ham. Don’t be afraid to kick them while they’re down, especially if they’re in a wheel chair or have crutches.
- Visit a relative. When they ask what you’d like for dinner, tell them that you want ham. Then they’ll cook ham and you can eat it for free because relatives won’t charge you for dinner.
Hey, save some of that free ham for me, okay!
Love that Ham: HAM radio is a different sort of ham than we are talking about.