For the Weekend Handyman

By Dave Glasseye

Dave Glasseye is a bio-carpenter whose specialty is building parrot enclosures for the Saudi Royal Family.

• When installing a helipad in your backyard be sure to check with your local magistrate to ensure that your pad has the proper support buttresses for your helicopter’s weight class.
• Building a deck can be a fun project for the weekend. Why not use wood as a deck material?
• Hammers serve many functions; they can be used to force in nails, pry out nails, or as a weapon in your series of gruesome and senseless murders.
• You can make a simple hot tub out of a fifty gallon drum and a propane grill.
• It can be easy to get distracted in the middle of a project. If you do get distracted or bored with your home improvement project try watching the Michael York movie Logan’s Run. It presents a chilling vision of things to come.
• Always be sure that you have a ratchet screwdriver on hand. We’re not sure what they do exactly, but they’re probably important.

• Cyprus is an island in the Mediterranean divided between Greek and Turkish factions. Put this important information on a laminated card and carry it in your wallet whenever you do any work on your radiators.
• Propane is highly flammable. Be certain to wear one of those cool silver suits if you plan to set stuff on fire.
• According to federal regulations, all missile silos located in residential areas can only house projectiles armed with conventional explosives. Even low yield tactical nuclear weapons must be located no less than 5000 meters from a school, hospital or public library.
• Foreign diplomats like fancy drinks like Gin and Tonics or Margaritas. Remember that when you go down to embassy row to pick up a truckload of the diplomats who hang out in front of the hardware store looking for work.
• Although it may sound like a good idea, experts state that four is probably more refrigerators than even a morbidly obese Catholic family needs.
• Check with the Federal Transportation Commission before trying to build a mini railroad in your living room. Wasn’t that little railroad they had on Silver Spoons cool? Didn’t you totally want one?
• Though they may seem cool, experts agree that rubber nails are a really bad idea. The same with glass hammers and wooden anvils.

• Building a dog house can be an excellent way to spend the weekend. The great thing about doghouses is that they don’t have to be good because dogs are stupid and don’t even know that their house is a load of crap.
• Grout and mildew can be big problems for bathroom fixtures. Cleaners and gunpowder often fail to work so this time why not try reasoning with the mildew? Sometimes all it needs is a good talking to.
• Installing a tropical fish tank in your bathroom will give your W.C. a regal, nouveau riche feel. If you can’t afford a fish tank, you can get the same effect by just letting an ornery octopus live in your toilet.
• Riding lawn mowers make yard care a snap! If you don’t have a riding lawn mower you can have the same fun just by driving cars over the lawn. Be sure to tape some kitchen knives underneath to keep that grass short and clean.
• Be sure to consult your owner’s manual for a list of user-serviceable parts. Fixing something that’s not on that list may void your house’s warranty.
• If you’re looking for some cheap extra help with your next project check with your local zoo. You’d be surprised how quickly the average chimp can learn to use a band saw.
• Learn at least seven new swear words, that way when you nail your hand to a board you won’t endlessly repeat the
• same expletives.