Marsday, Aphros 12th Nine O’ Clock
(Post Meridian)
BBA: Bless This Mess (Comedy): Troy (Marc Trainstation) fears that he has lost his pumpkin. Belinda (Mary Sweetly) hires a group of Puerto Ricans to track it down with hilarious results.
NWA: Richmond County (Drama): Wendy (Tricia Trapdoor) and Valium (McGeorge Duphraine) decide that they are going to lose their virginity after the town’s Bacon Festival. Michael (Don Head) tells Lorrie (Erin Bee) that he was the one who had exchanged Millard Fillmore’s head for a truckload of fruit bats.
TWA: Vanity (Reality): A group of selfish, self-obsessed, vain morons battle for the right to see who can climb K2 using only three fish and an artificial heart valve replacement.
BED: Law, Order and a Retarded Chicken (Drama): Detectives stumble across a burnt, dead corpse and must find the killer before he strikes again. Meanwhile the retarded chicken pecks at a Coke can for twenty minutes.
LOGIC: Logically Determined Unsolvable Problems (Reality): Drs. Tom Baker Smith and Peter Davies Ronaldson discuss formal symbology in a raucous tea-time debate (viewer discretion advised, mild violence).
OUT: Endocrine X5 (Mini-Series): Angela Dowd (Prissy Sanders) discovers a pre-historic parasite on Alex Wall (Andrew Winston). President Armstrong (himself) is called in to solve the crisis facing humanity.
ATF: Herstorectomy (Comedy): Dal Blankenship (Warren Ellis) decides to forego oranges this week. Cassie (Marge Obush) tries to seduce him. Orange (voiced by Pete Taverdi), performs a heartwarming musical number (cc).
KPB2: Evening Business Report (News): The McNeil twins, Tricia and Heidi, report the day’s business news. This week Tricia reports from the North Pole while Heidi reports from the South Pole (in Spanish).
DDTV: Fireplanet! (SciFi): The crew of the Shenzhou XIX discover a new planet. When they land, Captain Jian Zhou Lo (Albert Ryder) discovers the surface to be made entirely of fire. In his death he radios this fact to the rest of the crew. Dr. Shin Bla Seng surmises the planet may actually be a star.
PBR: JuJuBe(Drama): Alien invaders hold Allen (Dean Johnson) hostage while Sally (J.P. Morgan) and JuJuBe (Stephen Porter) attempt to find the source of the town’s mysterious smell. Meanwhile, Chintzy (Honor Cumming), manager of Allen’s Chowder House, faces a pile of unpaid pornography bills.
V3.96: Idiot Zoo (Comedy): Crack oval inspector Annette Tombaugh (Kirsten Dunst) finds another woman’s panties in her sock drawer. Clyde (William H. Macy), her father, drinks himself into a stupor in the Sears audio-visual department while Annette’s mother, Patsy (Jane Fonda), creates the first doily capable of destroying Venice. Brother Alden (Michael Ian Black) takes a road trip across Bolivia with Sir Isaac Newton.
BACH: Bach (Music): Continued broadcast of the entire Sex Pistols catalog.
PanAm: Double Jeopardy (Game Show): Amy Wakowski is retried for the crime of larceny, despite her 1991 acquittal for the same charge.
The Ulster Channel: Nosh(Comedy): The Troop find a treasure map and rediscover Uncle Finster’s old dentures which had been stolen by a frightening squid. Sal (Dustin Diamond) forgets to wear pants on Silly Pants Day down at the methadone clinic.
U238: Crime and Punishment: (Drama): Detective Spoon (Maurice Yap) finds a hat that once belonged to Czar Nicholas I. Officer Gravel (Lauren Skala) steals a helicopter in an attempt to discover the secret of what makes Manwhiches so tasty.
The Herstory Channel: Secrets of the Nazi Bread (Documentary): New information is revealed about Hitler’s private stash of pumpernickel, rye, whole wheat toast and possibly even challah. Special musical guest: Linkin Park.
MUD:In Search of Crossword Puzzles (Documentary): Leonard Nimoy looks through the daily papers and examines the crossword puzzles only to get stuck on #26 Across: 8 letters, journey through space, TV show.
REM: A Hospital (Drama): While Dr. Domicile (Lou Whorey) insults various injured persons, the other doctors attempt to diagnose a case of Legionnaire’s Disease that has overcome a high school drama class. Dr. Abby Lockheart (Maura Tierny) remains strangely alluring.
XYZ: Battlezone Omega(Science Fiction): Commander Zim (Tim Conway) must go into the heart of the enemy fortress in order to find a cure for a deadly plague that has been wiping out the penguin colonists of Wonton III. Evil Princess Yizkiz (Audrey Hepburn) attempts to stop him with her army of yodeling mice.
WP: Buffy the Zeppelin Pilot: (Drama): Buffy (Sarah-Mitchel-Gregor-Prince Jr.) realizes Spike (James McMasters) is under a spell which causes him to turn into a Sopwith Camel. Xander (Czar Nicholas II) and Willow (Allyson Hamburg) fight to the death to see who will get the larger portion of a tasty key lime pie.
UPS: Death Before Dollars (Game Show): Three Japanese samurai choose honor and glory in death over wonderful cash prizes and an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii.
AMPM: The Life of Riley (Drama): Riley (Superman) is framed for the murder of Mr. Caruthers (Aquaman). Kylie (Batman) must decide which disinfectant works better while Old Man Johnson (Wonder Woman) continues growing chickens on the battery farm.
MATM: Porkpie (Drama): Jennifer (Sassy Rubin) discovers she’s pregnant by feed store proprietor Jim Lemmings (Henry Alister). She gets an abortion at Dr. William’s clinic. Everyone cries about it.
VIB: Furbles (Comedy): The Furbles discover a new continent populated by primitive hunter-gatherer peoples. They soon bring death and destruction to the populace, incinerating thousands with the Cotton Candy Ray and Happy Fun Gun. Guest-starring Janet Reno as Count Zreebus and that kid from E.T.: The Extraterrestrial as Elbert.
RJR: The Smoke Files (Documentary): The R.J. Reynolds Corporation brings this smashing account of lobbying intrigue to television exposing the lies of anti-smoking campaigns across the globe (while introducing it’s new cigarette brand, Sharky). Mario Van Peebles hosts.
WPC: Go to Jail (Comedy): Jimmy Two Legs (Simon Wheeler) takes a less-than-friendly bodily intrusion from Mix Master Murder (MC Cuban). Child molester and home repair guru Peter Emanuel (John Redfern) discovers a way out of the prison. Warden Warden (Don Rickles) can’t seem to find his paper clips today.
IPC: The Bible (Documentary): Using archival footage, Dr. Samuel Brodenstein shows the glory of God’s creation of the Universe.
The Thank You Channel: Thank You (Reality): This week, thank yous from Kentucky.
KPB: The World of Rocks (Documentary). An exciting exploration of the several types of rocks found in Kalisotta Dairy Queen parking lots. Michael Palin (Terry Jones) touches a few of the rocks with a wet stick.
LNRW: Dakota is Bester (Reality): This week, billionaire heiress Dakota Bester invents a magnesium cupric-sulfide compound deemed by so-called experts to be impossible. Pal Lucy Borden rewires New York City, creating a more electrically efficient metropolis and saving the government billions of dollars annually.