Monthly Archives: August 2006

News of the World: Maine 2006

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Aboard the research vessel Prettyboy no one seems particularly worried. There are abundant sandwiches and coffee, several decks of cards and a Chinese knock-off video game console. There are also abundant hypotheses; many hypotheses have been tossed about since last Tuesday and there will certainly be many more to come. There were already twelve at breakfast and two while the crew was busy playing bocce ball.

“We’re not ruling out a vortex of some sort,” stated perky, young graduate student Lucy Wormwood, “or even a Tectonic Incident.” Ham and cheese wielding Associate Professor of Geography Daniel Gearbox was quick to add “Those hypotheses are only about physical phenomena. It’s possible that the Red Chinese, or even the Japanese or Mexicans have some sort of super-weapon at their disposal. Someone…”

“Or some thing” interrupted Lucy, who then defiantly added two packets of artificial sweetener to her coffee. “Some thing” she repeated, carefully putting extra emphasis on the ‘thing’ element. Then she made a sort of spooky expression before sipping her java.

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Letters: Maine 2006

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Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.

Dear A&A,
Bicycle Monkey is amazing, thanks again. My life hasn’t been this efficient and productive since Vietnam. Way to go and keep on tractoring!
Stephanie McKeon
Brooklyn, NY

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Your magazine sure publishes a lot of material, but would you say that you publish everything? Would you really believe that a single magazine could publish everything there is? Everything from the number of hairs on a yak to pharaoh’s phone number? No, that would be an insult to your intelligence. Of course this magazine has never published everything there is. So you must admit that somewhere in that information that you haven’t published there must be, somewhere, proof that God exists. So if you don’t publish this that means you’ve omitted something. What does that make you? Yes, an omitter.
Ray Comfort
Farnsworth, Australia

To the Editors of Axes & Alleys,
Why is it that you never write about thixotropes? These fluids, which move into a solid state when agitated are really exciting. Why not write a series of articles about various interesting things about thixotropes, like how ketchup is tasty. Ketchup is a thixotrope.
Please Johnson
Birmingham, AL

Dear Axes and Alleys,
I really liked your article about sea bass in last month’s issue. Though it may not have been your magazine, it may have been the specialty magazine Sea Bass Magazine. Either way, good work.
Lucy Primate
Halitosis, NH
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Classifieds: Vespril 2006

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FOR LEASE
Shitty tall tale. It’s really awful and can be yours for only $23 a week. Contact Logan of Logan’s Tall Tales for more info.

TO LET
5000 sq. ft. room in the middle of a garbage scow. Lovely view of refuse, perfect fixer upper. Barge Realty. 718-2121.

WANTED
Sexually inexperienced naked women. 18-24 yrs old. T-Bone Jones, Adams Retirement Home. 462- 0028.

WANTED
Life-size model of cobalt atom. Will pay up to $43. Paul Cook, Box 201.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Squash players needed to provide technical assistance to cast of whacky new Squash-related sitcom. Call Ralph at NBC for more info. 880-2734, ext. 1382-8271.

FOR SALE
Super tanker full of maple syrup. The syrup clogs up the release valves so we can never drain it out. Makes a great conversation piece. $2 million or best offer. Ellison Mineral.

WANTED
I will trade money or favors in exchange for ale. I will do anything for ale. I sure love ale. Barnaby, Box 21.

FOR SALE
Sunflower. Call Tammy at 323-0098.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Volcano detector. We need you to find volcanoes for use in a confidence scheme. Twin Stix Mahoney, Box 6.

WANTED
Box of meal worms. Must be 18 cubic in. E. Bell, Hambone, TX.

FOR SALE
Small cube shaped puzzle which opens dimensional gates and summons baldheaded gothy looking creatures. $50 or best offer. Kirsty, Box 103.

FOR SALE
The beat. Charlotte Caffey info@gogos.com

FOR RENT
Marianas Trench. Includes wrecked submarine filled with jellyfish and common anglerfish. F. Pino 917-843-9222

WANTED
Asymmetrical intelligent alien species for discovery and horrible misunderstanding. Roderick Blaine Blaine Manor, New Scotland 113091

FOR SALE
One box. Tom, No.33

POSITION AVAILABLE
Masochist needed to be struck with bats by Crimean immigrants. Will provide boiled carrots as payment. Call Lucy Sturgeon at 829-292-181.

WANTED
Bootblack. Must supply own tools. Polish provided. Dr. F.X. Enderby South Polar Station Antarctica

FOR SALE
Rust collection. All varieties from brown to light-dark red. Dark-dark red not included. 35p or best offer. Leisha Halley 212-888-2122

FOR RENT
2 staples. $2 per month, $68 for three years in advance. Find metal pipe and strike 13 dots and two dashes. I’ll bring the staples.

FOR LEASE
One human lung, you can use my lung for six months and then I need it back. Laura, Box 021.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Intern needed at petrochemical company. We need to test effects of oil on underpants. Underpants not provided, you must bring your own. Only women, ages 18-22 need apply. Petroil Co. Ramada, MV

WANTED
Petunia that can kill people and consume their flesh, rip organs out and eat them. Will pay top dollar. I have my own pot to keep them in. Belinda, 372-2831

WANTED
A box. Any type. Will pay lots and lots of money. Argus, Route 3. BA