Category Archives: Classifieds

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Classifieds Scott Birdseye

Classified Ads: Clauduary 2008

FOR SALE
Electric chin clefter with harness. Wear it while you sleep and after ninety days you’ll have a cleft chin. My own invention. £60.00 plus £4.50 shipping and handling. Pete Townsend, London, UK. Ring top bell.

FOR SALE
One potent bout of dysentery. Highly unpleasant and potentially life-threatening. $4.00 per vial. Great for getting out of social obligations or for practical jokes. Alfonse Chicuba, Box 2417.

FOR SALE
Pudding. Slightly used, with skin over top. Bowl not included. $1,250.oo plus insurance fee. Hydrich Himmler, Jr. 011-39-43-6901-777. 100% Confidential.

FOR SALE
Wax replica of scuba regulator. 90” x 54” x 60”. Includes faux marble pedestal (also made of wax). $150.00. Send inquiries to scubareplicas@lizphair.com.

FOR SALE
Eight thousand four hundred and three sets of M*A*S*H playing cards with Klinger as the Joker. Free red sofa cushion included. Gordon Brown, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1.

FOR SALE
Leaky tarp. Blue in color (hexadecimal #0000FF). Perfect for covering old boat. Fifty cents or best offer. Serious inquiries only. Mutton Chop Inn, 573 NE Ruffle St., Plame, WV.

FOR SALE
One human soul. Immortal and made in the image of the Christian God. Slightly tarnished by decades of sin. €50,000, includes carrying case. Rene Chupacabra, Paris, France, Boite #208.

FOR RENT
Dinner at my brother’s house. Arrive by 2:00 PM, leave by 9:00 PM. Includes antipasto with various meats, cheeses, and other “yum yums;” lasagne second course, and main course includes roasted goose with cranberry sauce and trimmings. Dessert of apple crumb pie. Only $400. Find Angela on Facebook.

FOR RENT
Rabbit. One ear missing. 35 extra hairs. No insurance. $2 per day or best offer. Charles Incharge, Lakota Nation, North America.

FOR RENT
Over one hundred cult members. Possibly as many as 103 or 104. Robes and brainwashing included. Must provide own shoes. Grand High Empress Kiwi, 45 Mercer Lane, Chicago, IL 60609.

FOR RENT
Erotic dance moves performed by female human and set to music. Pole extra. Czech regular price. $40 per hour. Liberal Libby: lapmuffin123@yahoo.com

FOR RENT
Small percentage of company. Will exchange sliver of ownership for cash based on value established by “the market.” Steve Wolfbuddy, United States Securities and Exchange Commission, 3 World Financial Center, Suite 400 New York, NY 10281

FORE RENT
You read that right. I will gladly be hired on retainer to yell out “Fore!” when your golf ball is about to hit someone on the course. I’m cheap, too, as I’m out of work. Just $35 a month and I’ll show up anywhere you like. Must include meals. Call Steve Gutenberg, 415-626-9337.

FOR RENT
Grim Reaper bathrobe. Tie-off has a scythe pattern on it. Hood extra. $5 per year. Ask for Jenny at any local restaurant chain.

FOR RENT
Space within my genome. I will gladly remove several thousand base pairs for your own coding. Genes coding for new organelle extremely welcome. Albert Fortran c/o Bert’s Liquor, South Minnetta Strip Mall, Peekhoe, WD.

Classifieds Scott Birdseye

Classified Ads: Maine 2008

FOR SALE
Left-handed widget for use in 3” metric thing-a-ma-bobber. Doodad attachment not included. Mr. Joe Blow, 21 Showdown Plaza, Ingrid, WV 24751.

FOR SALE
Pickled glue guns (4) in vat of brine. $73.00 or best offer. Chad McDiormott, Box 10943.

FOR SALE
Nickleback. Not the band, but actually the reverse side of a nickel which I delicately bisected with a jeweler’s saw. Two and a half cents. If you don’t have half-cent coins, it’s not a problem. I’ll make you some with my jeweler’s saw. Leonor Soot, 107 Puppet Street, Bicycle Canyon, NY 10087.

FOR SALE
Collection of ten plastic novelty flying discs, each with the name of one of the mythical Sumerian kings. Written in Helvetica font. No substitutions. Eliot G. Godfrey, 9 Sutcher St., #4 (ring top bell), New York, NY 10013.

FOR SALE
Maniac. House-trained. Comes with own knives, mask and trouble back story. $86.52. World-wide delivery. No refunds. Keeble Barista, 4019-601-23-213, ext. 4058.

FOR SALE
Mint condition, in the package, Robotron™ action figures from the second run (1984-1986). Complete set includes Major Courageous®, Contractor®, Destrukto-smahser®, Indicticator®, Captain Underlord®, Cosmo-Ninja®, Count Dragonator®, Eviltron®, Zoomlord®, Robopanther®, Xylon®, Electrofist®, General Death®, and the Celestial Sphere® playset. $1.00 each. Chafer Hardelmere, Box 312.

FOR SALE
Explanation of transit systems in major metropoli. Paris, Tokyo, New York & others. For $30.00 I will come to your house and explain transit systems using three different visual aids. Scott Baio, Box 273.

FOR SALE
Lithograph of John Stamos. Stamos depicted watering spider plant. $340.00. G.L. Gompers, Box 21.

FOR SALE
One thousand, two hundred and eight Polaroid™ photographs of the Shroud of Turin. Free Urdu translation copy of Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird included. Gordon Brown, 10 Downing St., London, SW1A 2AA.

FOR SALE
Tacos. There are three tacos that I have, each with seasoned meat, lettuce and cheese in a tortilla shell. $.75 per taco, free wrapping included. R. Starr, 7 Champion St., Verdun, EL.

WANTED
Popping device for errant balloons. Mine keep escaping and I feel bad that they might be stolen by other helium balloon enthusiasts. Will pay at least $5, but would also be willing to trade unpasteurized milk. Jim Jensen, c/o Jensen’s Balloon Enthusiasms, 45 Main St. Brooklyn, NY 11201

FOR SALE
Fifth primary color. Doesn’t quite work with other four primary colors. Only visible in ultra-violet light. B. Queen, El Hivo Apartments #3, West Petunio, Nova Scotia

Classifieds Scott Birdseye

Classifieds: Tiberium 2007

FOR SALE
Hummus, tabouli and babaganush. Nose Ring Girl no longer interested. Contact Perry, LA, CA. Rice cakes also available for minimum fee.

FOR RENT
Vertically halved carrot. $4.00 per day. Vichnan, Pan. Oostle, NH.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Groucher needed to be grouchy. Must stand, arms crossed, face scowled for seven dollars per hour. Bonus for angry grumbling. Cleveland Municipal Government, Box 3, Cleveland, OH.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Aimee Echo handler needed to handle Aimee Echoes. Must walk Aimee Echoes, feed them and clean them of parasites. Must have license and full insurance. Bill Thompings, 7248-54-5955-547-548-1. ext. B.

WANTED
Striped pants. Size 11. Will pay up to $43.00 for lycra or cotton. Must be horizontal stripes. Chinflap O’Connor, Box 809.

FOR SALE
Victor Hugo’s remains in a burlap sack. $300.00, sack $5.00 extra. L’remains Disposoir, Paris France, EU.

FOR RENT
Storage bin for holding the remains of 19th Century French authors. Solid oak, with separate drawers for all major limb bones including the tibia. $5.00 per month. Skeeky, Box 204.

WANTED
Bronze bust of William “Wild Bill” Donovan, must be at least twelve feet tall and made of bronze and be only a bust, not the whole body. $5,000 for bronze bust. Must be of William Donovan. Rector Michaelis, Route 4, Biloxi, MI.

FOR SALE
One Apnea for use in photo shoots featuring scantily clad kind of a weird looking girl who certain people find rather attractive. Tattoo of boxes on arm. $3000 or best offer. Phillip Picnic, Houston, TX.

WANTED
Umlaut to go over a “U” in my band’s official name. Will pay up to $30.00 per dot. Hemlutt the band, Box 809.

FOR SALE
Eight hundred and seven candid photographs of Betty White playing billiards. Free Manchester United commemorative tumbler included. £500.00. Gordon Brown, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1.

FOR SALE
Audio recording of a pickle (Kosher dill). Pickle sits on counter making no audible noise for one hour. Available on 8-track, tape, CD, LP, minidisk or MP3. Hippo Records, Box 811o5.

FOR RENT
Spacious shoe box, perfect for storing excess pair of shoes. $1.00 per year. Stu Violet, Stu’s Boxes, Hemper’s Flapping, RI. 85488-98-54756.

WANTED
Sexually promiscuous and trusting hot blonde girl with big tits and nice ass needed to give me directions to Cork. I’m trying to visit the birthplace of author Virgil Buckfuller, but I don’t know how to get there. Will say thank you in a nice voice and nod politely. Nigel Fraps, 32 rue Flace, 75001 Paris.

WANTED
Classic brand of beer revived by modern brewery as watered-down spittoon swill. Please send twelve first-class stamps to Amy Galveston, 385 Leyte Ave. Romaniaville, EL 00347
MSW

WANTED
Blue-haired hottie to help me find my dentures, crack walnuts for me (I have arthritis), and gratify me every 6-12 weeks sexually. Herbert Denster, Plenipotentiary Convalescent Residence, W. 14th St., Brazzaville, NY 11117

FOR SALE
Reproduction cargo cult fetish necklace made from beer can tabs, wing nuts, and bicycle inner tube patches. Only $37!!! Call Barry P. at 703-966-0402.

WANTED
The corpses of Abbot & Costello for an after-dinner engagement. Free dessert. Tony Brummel 346 N. Justine St., Suite 504, Chicago, IL 60607

FREE VIEWING
One plate of cold, roast mutton. Come on by the kitchen window at 233 Mulver St. You won’t be disapointed.

Classifieds Jeremy Rosen

Classified Advertisements

CELEBRATE!
The first annual Gay Humble Month Bingo Spectacular is coming to Omaha! To participate, please write Bishop David McClurkle at Omaha 1st Episcopal Church, Omaha, NB.

WANTED
Rectangular puzzle with more than 100 pieces, more than 650 edge pieces, 300 inside pieces, and 16 corners. Will pay top pfennig! Nancy Bramble
101 Airborne Division Rd. Apt. E. Currahee, AC

FOR SALE
Magazines. You pick the number (up to 19), I pick the publications and issues. Only $72, up to 12% off news stand prices (not adjusted for inflation)! Call Sanders Nickzon at 776-426-8997

WANTED
Footage of Fiona Apple’s last boyfriend talking to her on the phone. He mentions a farmers’ market somewhere and I can’t remember where nor how to find the video again. May be located somewhere on the internet. Please call Lemmy Ramone a godbag.

FOR SALE
The bones of Dr. Lyman Hall of Georgia, signer of the Delcaration. Recently disinterred illegally from his burial place in Augusta, GA. Original pulverized lime coating included. Will trade for the femur of Aaron Burr, or sell for $6750. James K. Chesterton, 825 Johns Rd., Augusta, GA, 30904.

FOR SALE
Nazi-themed hamburger stand. Includes griddle, cheese machine, and bun toaster. Deep fryer also included, but no lard. $45 dollars. Transport not included. Call Nazi Hamburgers, Inc., Bestoria, MV.

FOR RENT
Man in Viking costume. Will pose for images needed for magazine articles or pin up calendars. Call Marshall at 91-853-7741.

WANTED
A heroin candy bar. I prefer something with nougat and chocolate, but no nuts please. Unless they’re pistachios. There’s not really very many pistachio candies. Just that ice cream. But I don’t want heroin in my ice cream. Charles Krauthammer, Box 75.

FOR SALE
Delicious lime flavored spackling paste. Highly toxic. G.P. Henning, 67 Bignal St. Harper’s Lap, AC.

FOR SALE
Crayfish salad. Five tonnes available in fifty gallon drums. Some expired but most good. Don’t eat the brownish parts. No, sir. Halbone Salad Drum Warehouse. Hippen, PA.

WANTED
Disassembled helicopter where the parts are stored in pillowcases and labeled alphabetically. Will pay up to $1000 or trade for Bolivian postage stamps. Petey, Box 203.

WANTED
Family in Spain wishes to lease one boat for use on Tuesday crabbing expaditions to the Azores. Azore crabs are more delicious than the other crabs of the world. Hacienda Lopez, 83-292-19-1-10293-183. Ext. 282.

FOR LEASE
Crab. One claw slightly larger than the other. Moves sideways. Red in color. $20.00 per year, minimum of four years. Please present Crab Leasing License and proof of residency. Serious inquiries only. Hab’s Crabs. Pleasing, PD.

FOR SALE
Two-hundred and seven thousand Paul Newman “Newman’s Own Popcorn” promotional alarm clocks. Free two-inch paint roller included. Gordon Brown, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Two Finnish women needed to sort screwdrivers for $30.00 per hour. Part time only, one hour per week. Bestco Tool Co. Office of Human Resources. Katharinetowne, WD.

WANTED
Life-sized Sopwith Camel replica made out of muenster cheese with cracker propeller. Must be delivered by Tuesday for my WWI aviation themed wine and cheese party. Laura Peacock, no. 71.

FOR SALE
Box of cocker spaniel hair. Mostly brown. $2.00, or best offer. Roman Polanski, Box 2.

Classifieds Jeremy Rosen

Classifieds: Fabuly 2007

FOR SALE
Jungle sounds. I do excellent monkey noises and can gargle in a way that almost sounds like rain coming down through the canopies of foliage. Others sounds available on request,
send $100.00 for my full catalogue of noises.
Beulla, no. 1546.

FOR LEASE
Elector state of Palatine. Four hamlets, two major cities and full voting control so that you can influence who gets to be Holy Roman Emperor.
M. Hohenzollern, Hanover, Germany.

FOR SALE
Spoon. Made of low-grade alumnium. Lightly used and equipped with jury-rigged electrical tape handle. Good for soups or puddings.
L. Uppercat, Vendor, FL, Box 301.

WANTED
Conversion kit. Must be able to convert 120W AC to gold. Will pay you after I’ve made a bunch of gold.
Miriam Hatchet, Picker’s Flats, VA.

WANTED
Marlborough’s plan and full order of battle for the week prior to Blenheim. Also, a working time machine so I can go back to 1704 and give them to Tallard because I’d prefer it if Wittlesbach had been able to secure the Hapsburg throne.
Wilma Thrasher, Brighton Beach, NY or UK, either one. 113-1104-1214.

FOR RENT
Quality buttons. May not be attached to clothing.
Lou’s Buttons 231 38th St. New York, NY 10012

WANTED
Funding. At least fifty million needed for an experimental physics project where we use three brightly lit spinning poles to dematerialize dust and/or sand for some reason. The poles will spin really, really fast.
Contact the Queens Marshland Experimental Physics Laboratory, Queens, NY. Ring top bell.

FOR SALE
New religion I made up where it turns out that we’re all just Pre-Ghosts® and will one day be ghosts and then die again and then we’re Double-Ghosts®. Neat, huh? $50.00. Includes nearly completed holy book manuscript.
Call Tobit at 931-416-4.

FOR RENT
My new algorithm for determining how many cows are present by counting legs. L/4 = C, where L is the number of legs and C is the number of cows. Works for dogs too! $.25 for each calculation. Ask about my handy quantum physics metaphors involving ice skating. Melinda Huggankiss. Fort Roxy, Maryland. Upstairs.

WANTED
New book of the Bible (New Testament) where the Apostle Peter wins a skateboard contest and saves the neighborhood skate park from the greedy developers. Will pay up to $53.00.
Contact Maury Sturgeon, 4, rue Cracy, Paris 70024, EU.

WANTED
Something like a can opener, but for bottles. Call Scroter Numbly at 212-888-2112

FOR SALE
My web site dedicated to everything that isn’t robots, sex, do-it-yourself, internet fads and copyright. Will sell for $33,000 or trade for a lifetime supply of black kernel popcorn.
Johnny Donothing 45 Alabaster Way Concrete, OT

WANTED
Two can beer cooler. Must have a picture of a toucan on it, be made of heavy-duty plastic with a brushed metal casing, have indentations on the top in which to place the cans of beer, and include an AM radio in the handle. Also, must have a handle. Will pay up to $77.
Email me at h.adams@nytimes.com

FOR SALE
Your choice of two of the following: 33 ounce cup from Save ‘n’ Such, China, melted pinking shears passed off as art, any two of the uninhabited Solomon Islands, the 1st edition of the International Telecommunications Manual, half a meerschaum ice cube tray, 31.5 playing cards, a packet of 20 Class B cigarettes, one unframed and unsigned photograph (matte not glossy) of Golda Meir, two desiccated sticky frog toys, Herb the auto mechanic, an entire tub of It’s Butter (light flavour), seventeen broken lathes, Ivan IV’s garbage receptacle, or your choice of hyperlink on bbc.co.uk. Free gallon of spider laxative included. Before June 27th, write to:
Tony Blair
10 Downing St.
London, SW1
United Kingdom