Hangovers
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Monthly Archives: August 2006
The ABCs of NATO
For many years the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, and its various military forces, have utilized a system whereby they substitute a common word for a letter of the alphabet in radio-graphic communication. This is meant to ease communication. But, I find that their word choices are a bit random and I don’t at all approve. Therefore, I would like NATO to adopt a new NATO, or phonetic alphabet. After all, we can’t have NATO forces supporting the drinking of whiskey, a known intoxicant.
Menagerie of Mini-Biographies
Louis Tolwind Meyerson (1898 – 1967) – Louie Legs to his friends, Meyerson was only the second man to become a naturalized citizen of Canolia and the first man to weatherproof the interior of a home. This was a necessity as a result of Louie Legs’ inveterate pursuit of indoor cloud-seeding experiments. Also as a result he created his only useful contribution to society: 100% fire proofing, which protected his house from numerous lightning strikes.
Q. Eric Johnson (1948 – 2006) – Tall and ruddy, with dark sandy hair and all limbs intact, Q. Eric started his life as a middle class child growing up in suburban Mitchell, Elizabethia. Upon graduation from Muni-Tech College in 1968, he took on what would be the first of many managerial positions with Bangers ‘n’ Mash, the multinational English-themed fast food chain. A lifelong bachelor, Q. Eric died in his sleep on January 12, 2006.
Anna Peterson (1843) – Anna enjoyed breastfeeding and drooling, yet only occasionally laughed. Her most favored possession was a blue quilted blanket stitched together by her grandmother. She never learned to walk.
Maximus Felix Quintus Lotho (67 – 20 BC) – Quintus became famous for running around the entire circumference of Rome, as well as several cities in Gaul, Armenia and Pontus. He was granted the right to wear shoes within them temple of Jupiter and to ogle the ankles of the Vestal Virgins. His honor was taken away from him later in life, when he continued his practice of running; this time away from a force of outnumbering Parthians. His last words were reportedly “does anyone else smell eggs?”
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The March of Progress: Maine 2006
With the introduction of Filaxal®, pharmaceutical giant NuLife hopes to cure boredom once and for all. Studies have shown that an estimated 98% of Americans suffer from Intermittent Deficient Excitement Syndrome (IDES). It is estimated that IDES greatly lowers quality of life and can be induced by such activities as work, school or Sunday afternoons. During IDES attacks people simply lose interest in life and their surroundings. Traditional, old-fashioned homeopathic treatments like board or video games, puzzles, television, eating, reading, sodomy or television can have little to no positive effect on IDES patients’ overall wellness outcomes. Filaxal® is able to utilize the unique chemical molecule tetrahydrocannabinol (C21H30O2 ) to “trick” the brain’s chemical receptors, allowing a sense of therapeutic entertainment to be experineced during even the most horridly mundane of activities. Cleaning out the garage or even visiting the grandparents can be made enjoyable with a single dose of Filaxal®. The NuLife Company spokesperson Albert stated in a faxed communiqué that “…Filaxal® is entertainment, Filaxal® is fun, Filaxal® will cure boredom forever.” Hopefully that will be the case. With the drug trials completed, Filaxal® is due to hit the U.S. consumer market just in time for summer break.
Pluto
