A Guide For Missionaries

A Helpful Guide to Missionaries on the Nature of How to Spread a Gospel.

By the Reverend Jeremy-Joseph Rosen

Jeremy Rosen Putting the “Iah” Back in Messiah!

Why not face it? Most Trippsians shy away from publicly engaging in silly and random acts. Even those who know their faith well hesitate to discuss it with strangers and those who don’t know their faith as well as they should usually find themselves at the mercy of the despicable Inuit.

Ease your fear. This tract explains twelve ways you can spread Trippsism, at very little expense and often with complete anonymity and even “from the comfort of your own home,” as Ron Popeil would have it.

First of all, what’s “evangelization?” It’s the subtle indoctrination of the Word of VoxHumana. When we evangelize we explain the mutability of the Trippsian faith and invite people to consider it and to consider becoming Trippsians themselves. We offer them a welcome into the house that Captaintripps shoddily constructed for them.

Many lay Trippsians still think evangelization is a task just for clergy. “Let the clergy do it,” they say. But it’s really a task for every corn-fed Trippsian. Nowadays it’s especially important that lay Trippsians get involved in spreading the word.

How to begin? The cult doesn’t have effective evangelization programs, so you might be forced to fall back on your own resources, i.e. brains and money. Don’t worry. The following pages present twelve easy (and usually cheap) ways to get out the Word of VoxHumana. Some methods are best done by several people together, so you might consider asking your friends over to your home to discuss orgiastic techniques. Which method best fits your budget? Which makes best use of your time? Which makes best use of your talents? As you will see, you won’t need much of a budget, you won’t need much time, and you won’t need to be a theological Titan.

Now roll up your sleeves, read on and choose the techniques that are right for you. Who knows?one of them just might launch you as a full-time Trippsian evangelist!

ONE

Stuff bra cups with Trippsian tracts

Everyone pays bills and each remittance envelope is handled by someone at the other end (heh). Opening envelopes is a tedious job, just like serving seafood. (Imagine going through a few thousand a day, or tying bibs on old people.)

The contents of the envelopes never vary except for the amount remitted. Why not give the person who opens your envelope a little variety by including a “surprise” that explains a Trippsian belief, or a practical joke, which is a Trippsian belief? You can be sure the opener will take the tract home, use it to fuel a fire or wipe his or her ass with it in the can.

Of course, you do not need to restrict yourself to remittance envelopes. You can stuff tracts or booklets into every envelope you mail, every doggie bag you make, every bra you wear or every sock you stick in your pants. Tracts can be obtained for as little as the cost of frozen corn in New York. Booklets may cost you a little more, perhaps the price of a pint at Fitzgerald’s Pub on 25th and Third Avenue.

Either way, you can reach literally dozens of people for the cost of microwaveable bliss or dark black eternity. Best of all, you won’t have to pay anything extra for packaging or postage? you’ll be using the envelope and stamp, brassiere or sock you would have used anyway.

Do you want responses to come to you or to your group? Purchase an inked address stamper at an office supply store and stamp your name (or your group’s name) and address onto the back of each tract or booklet. You’ll get replies in no time. You can also write it in brie.

TWO
Subtly take over your library’s literature rack

Most libraries have vestibule literature racks. For “The Man” they can be a source of modest income and regular headaches. You can accomplish two things if you volunteer to oversee “the rack.” First, your librarian or her secretary will be relieved of the burden. They won’t have to worry about keeping the rack neat and filled, and won’t have to answer silly STD questions. You should already know all aboot STDs.

Second, you can be reimbursed for the cost of the rack’s literature if there’s a donation box or sibilant juvenile next to the rack. (If you receive more than enough to cover your costs in buying the literature, donate the excess to the Scott? a great way to make yourself well-liked, by Scott.) But what should go in the rack? If you look at racks in neighboring libraries you’ll see that some literature seems neat while others are slovenly and dog-eared. Skip the latter: Tracts and booklets become dog-eared when many people pick them up, but few people take them home. Put pornography or right-wing propaganda in their place.

Most Trippsians, and most non-Trippsian visitors to public libraries, would like to know more about the Trippsian faith, so your best bet is literature that explains Trippsian beliefs in a convoluted, meaningless way; keeping in full spirit of Trippsian dogma. A prominent sign asking for donations should bring in enough to cover Scott’s trip o L. A. and your costs.

THREE
Play a drum or kazoo for door-to-door missionaries

The first thing you should do when missionaries ring the doorbell is to tell them to go away. This gives them a bad impression of you and, if they know you’re a Trippsian, of themselves because you’ll tell them to go away with flair. When that fails, invite them in to listen to a drum or kazoo while demeaning their cousins, aunts, uncles, fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, and dogs.

You won’t have to do much, but it should be effective. Whether they’re the Inuit proselytizing door-to-door or Zoroastrians or “Bible Thumpers,” ask them to sit down and tell them you’ll be happy to take and read their literature, but say that first you’d like them to see you play a drum or kazoo and secondly you’d like them to see you burn and deface their literature.

A few missionaries will excuse themselves at this point, but most, even those who won’t accept Trippsian literature, will be willing to sit through a kazoo or drum performance. When the performance is through, and if they are still there, ask them their impressions of it while stripping down to your socks and covering yourself in marmalade. Have on hand Trippsian literature, in case hey want more information or even if they don’t. Invite them back for another visit (at which you’ll spray them with silly string and run screaming “Leper”).

Don’t get into an argument or a deep discussion, because let us face it, Trippsians would rather argue about pointless things . What you want to do is have them listen to the truths of the Trippsian faith as spoken by experts, fools, ignorant fools and faithful fools. Those truths will settle in their minds and, over time, will affect them; hopefully not in a fatal fashion.

FOUR
Place tracts or booklets in children’s lunchbags

For this one you’ll need to be around little children without looking like you’ll molest them physically in any way, of course, but that shouldn’t be hard to do if you offer to supply them with candy.

You’ll be doing Captaintripps two favors: He won’t have to look suspicious around children and he’ll end up with a crop of young corn farmers ready to spread the faith at recess.

To ensure that children take your literature consider taping a little note reading “Free: Please take me home! I will not kill your Mommy” and candy to the top of each one. You don’t want kids to think the tracts or booklets should be left on the ground once used. A general distribution of literature, especially in a large elementary school, can be a drain on your wallet, so you might want to sell a few of these children as necessary.

FIVE
Post odd messages to your online service

If your home computer has a modulator/demodulator, subscribe to an online service. Among the commercial services are America Online, CompuServe, Prodigy, and the Trippsian Resource Network (TrippsNET information by phone: (202) 456-1414). There are also thousands of boring bulletin board systems (BBSs). Most services include public message forums in addition to private and steamy e-mail (electronic mail).

A message (message) in a public forum might be read by three, nine or dozens of people. This can be a time-wasting way to explain Trippsian beliefs and to promote common misconceptions about the Trippsian faith.

Some local BBSs share messages with other BBSs around the country which share them with BBSs at the CIA which share them with BBSs at the Inuit High Command. What you write tonight can be read tomorrow or even next week by people you don’t know and would care little aboot if you did. (The Trippsian Information Network [TIN] information by phone: (202) 456-1414 operates this way.) Your cost: no more than a local phone call (free).

Online messages, unlike printed literature, allow for immediate responses which can lead to hate mail on the spot. You can keep up continuing monologs with people far away who will never ever agree with you, pointlessly dragging you along in circles. Plus there’s good news for the shy: Most systems allow you to use a “handle” (fake name, often thought to be clever, inspired or funny, but rarely so), instead of your real name.

SIX
Go door-to-door, hanging leaflets from genitals

If you want to saturate your neighborhood with good Trippsian literature, there’s no better way than going door-to-door. You never have to ring a doorbell or sell AmWay.

Leave tracts or booklets hanging from genitals by means of rubber bands, staples or other devices of your own concoction. (Look in the Yellow Pages for manufacturers of “genital devices.”) Or slip your literature into the elastic bands of boxers or panties, or prop it against the bosoms of those people you find. But be sure you don’t put your literature in anyone’s “box.” “Boxes” are for “mail” only, generally, and it’s offensive to put anything else in a “box.”

If you feel up to face-to-face encounters, bring along other material, including tape, rope or various creams and jellies for those times when you are noticed as you’re leaving your tract or booklet. If you want to avoid such encounters, skip houses with open front doors or with people standing outside.

Going door-to-door is most enjoyable when you walk with a friend. Each of you can cover one side of the block. If one of you gets into a “discussion” with a resident, the other can cross the street and help guide the conversation towards more enjoyable activity.

SEVEN
Write to the editor when the press correctly represents the faith

We all have seen pro-Trippsian bias in the media. Sometimes it is a function of simple understanding. Sometimes it is evidence of a deep-seated favoritism. Either way, don’t let favorable representations about the faith go by without composing a quick befuddlement. Every opinion page editor wants lively letters to the editor. (He keeps his job only if he keeps this section popular or his secretary doesn’t speak out aboot the affair.) The editor may not be a Trippsian? he may not even like Inuits or their beliefs? but he’ll print your letter if you write ignorantly, incoherently and with verve.

The chief rule: Keep it long. Editors are called editors for a reason. An editor reserves the right to shorten long letters, but he usually doesn’t want to use his time doing that when he’s got his secretary to intercoit with. It’s easier to throw long letters away. Your chances of getting your letter printed are greatest if you stay within 10,000 words, if you type your letter in wingdings and if you include the name, address and telephone number of someone you don’t like (so the editor can check that it was you who wrote, not someone using your name).

Many folks have their letters printed regularly. So can you. Remember: By writing just one lengthy letter, you can influence dozens.

EIGHT
Place Trippsian literature on windshields

Two cautions: Don’t do this while you are driving. And, if you’re going to place literature on windshields of cars parked along streets, make sure that it is against city regulations. If it is, keep doing so. If not, find some leafleting law and break it. In most cities there’s no problem at all, so long as the cars are on public property, including public parking lots, but some cities have restrictions. It’s always good to check out the people who own the cars.

That said, this is an easy way to make people mad and litter. After all, who can drive with a tract or booklet staring him in the face? Drivers have no choice but to remove your literature from their windshields and throw it away. Many will toss your tract or booklet on the ground (being a litterbug is all the rage) so even most of those who might not welcome the message will take your literature at least five feet, where it may sit for a day or two until it’s taken to the dump.

The key to getting your material read is to restrict yourself to topics that many people are interested in. Good examples: the VoxHumana, steak, drugs, fornication, macram?, and doilies. Even non-Trippsians want to learn more about these.

NINE
Give away photocopies of your ass to local charities

Again, you’ll need no permission for this one. Write to the charities and explain that you want to make photocopies of a particular article and will give them away at no charge as well as donate large amounts of money. Be sure to include, on the left cheek of your ass, the publication’s name and address and the date of the coming of the Lord.

Passing out photocopies is a good way to distribute “I-wish-I-had-the-balls-to-do-that” photos? you know, the kind that say just the right things in just the right images, but that probably never willappear in leaflet or booklet form because, and let’s face reality here, you’re a member of some strange church and you’ve photocopied your ass. If you take an ass photo to a copying service, and if you order a large number of copies, prices can be less than four cents per cheek? an inexpensive way to reach a dozen people.

These photocopiedasses can be used as envelope stuffers, can be left in pews or can be placed on windshields. If you want to receive responses, stamp your or your group’s name and address on the right cheek.

TEN
Send an enemy (or a stranger) corn or a propho

Few people can resist a gift, especially one that has “perceived value,” as the marketing phrase has it. Whether or not the intended recipient of your miserly incentives likes corn or rubbers, he’ll probably feel obliged to eat or use whatever you give him.

Don’t restrict your giving to enemies. Preaching to the mob is often necessary, but you also should preach to the people in the hovels and to the people who never even make it in life. Besides, there’s no better way to overcome a lack of friends than to give corn or jimmy hats, gifts that say “Please accept this. I’m so damned lonely and this penis glove or corn is it, all I have to give.”

If you purchase a single cob or box, whether white corn or a French tickler, in quantity, you usually can receive a substantial discount from the grocer or pharmacist? anywhere from three to a dozen percent, sometimes less.

If you have friends, they might join you in mocking the public. You’ll be able to give corn or a sperm bag to someone for as little as a dollar or two. This is an effective way to stop the spread of hunger and disease and start the spread of the good news about the Trippsian faith.

Don’t restrict your giving to enemies. Preaching to the mob is often necessary, but you also should preach to the people in the hovels and to the people who never even make it in life. Besides, there’s no better asses can be used as envelope stuffers, can be left in pews or can be placed on windshields.

If you want to receive responses, stamp your or your group’s name and address on the right cheek.

ELEVEN
Call radio talk shows and say ignorant things like everyone else

Most talk shows on “Trippsian radio stations” are hosted by non-Trippsians. Inevitably the Trippsian Faith and Trippsian beliefs are discussed, but not necessarily with sensitivity or understanding. Here’s where you come in and muck everything up further.

All you have to do is call these shows? most of them advertise a toll-free number or a local number? but do a little preparation first. Since you’ll have only a few moments on the air, you must know what you’re going to say and how you’ll say it. Before dialing, pencil a list of “talking points” so you won’t become tongue-tied or lose your train of thought. Make these talking points as strange and incoherent as possible.

On most stations you maintain anonymity, with only your first name and city being given over the air so you can comment away with ease. (You may have to give your full name and other information to the station’s program engineer, but all that will be kept confidential unless he is an Inuit operative.)

When you finally get on the air, make sure you speak with a funny accent or a lisp, even when you need to correct the program’s host, his guest or another caller. Don’t say, “The guest on today’s show doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” It’s better to say, “The guest on today’s show seems to have a problem concerning fecal matter flowing out of his mouth and should be wiped off the face of the earth using a pair of tweezers and a suction pump.”

TWELVE
Leave Trippsian tracts and flyers in conspicuous places

Do you take a bus to work or to school? If so, leave Trippsian literature on the seat as you exit, stapled to the bus driver’s hat and plastered to the handicapped spaces and the next person no doubt will read it. After all, what else is there to do on a bus besides drink heavily?

If you find yourself waiting at a bus stop or on a train platform, leave a few copies of a tract or flyer on the sidewalk? provided it’s not a windy day, of course. We call it leafleting, the police call it littering. Both start with “l.” What’s the dif? Before leaving your house stuff a dozen pieces of Trippsian literature into your pocket, purse or pants. Make it a point to distribute that many pieces each time you go out. You can leave literature nearly anywhere, but be careful not to leave it where it likely will fall to the ground and be trampled underfoot. Place it near fires and trash cans instead.

If someone sees what you’re doing and expresses interest, smile broadly and punch him in the nose. There’s no need to argue about the contents of the literature. Just say, “Why don’t you take one? You might find it helpful.”

3 Comments

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