FOR SALE
Iron tomato. Looks like a tomato but is made of iron. Also available: regular tomatoes in thick iron casing. Bob, box 206.

FOR RENT
Grand Army of the Potomac. Includes cavalry, scouts, fully limbered artillery, many infantry regiments. Available with choice of leaders including Meade, Grant and McClellan. Owner assumes no liability if army is outmaneuvered by Lee. $400 per day, plus mules.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Balloon pilot needed for race around the world. We’ll meet at Leicester Square on the morrow. The Queen, herself, will drop the flag.

WANTED
I need granola for sexual purposes. Please do not make me elaborate here. Just get me the granola. M.N. Glue, Bonanza, KY.

FOR SALE
Edible hovercraft. Made entirely of beets and beet paste. Will trade for borscht B-17. Call 74-091-11 for details and price list.

WANTED
Proof of the existence of a race of aliens who live in helicopters and communicate via various sauces. Will pay $5.95 per day.

FOR SALE
Haunted Boeing 707. Ghost of Himmler haunts the aircraft’s lavatory. Will appear to swarthy looking passengers and offer half-hearted apologies for the Holocaust. Looks at shoes, mumbles a quick ‘sorry about that thing.’ Don’t think he really means it. $123,456.78 or best offer. Lufthansa, Berlin EU.

FOR LEASE
The Sea of Tranquility. Would make perfect filming location, looks like dry, SW American desert. Making a cowboy v. Indians movie? Why not film it on the moon. Transportation provided. $100 per day. NASA, Houston TX.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Morning DJ needed for Latin Language morning show. Must take over as Lupis Jack has passed on. WROM, Pastaguaard, Denmark.

WANTED
Forensic doorknob expert. Duties include examining door knobs, compiling evidence, forming conclusions. Contact NYPD at Box 21.

FOR SALE
Slightly used fort. Used to repel one rather badly organized attack. Hats included. French Foreign Legion, Une Rue de Legion, Algiers.

NOT FOR SALE
Left side of my head. Bo (I dress like Napoleon)State Mental Hospice.

FOR SALE
Do you like coffee? Why not buy my sketches of coffee that I made. Only $1 each. Prices may vary. Ulrich KL283-90-994.

FOR SALE Special home-made tape. Consists of typing paper and school glue. It’s not very good but I like it. $32.00 per roll. Jed@jed.com

WANTED
Talking kite. Computer programmed or possessed by spirit. As long as it talks to me. My only friends are my kites. David at Box 473.

WANTED
Instructions on how to train slugs to perform calculus. I have no idea how this might work but I wanna try. Lisa Bromide, Fellows Field, AL.

FOR SALE
One electron. We know where it is but not how fast it’s going. Maybe you can buy it and find out both. CERN, 1 CERN Plaza, Bern, Switzerland.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Namer needed to assign new names. Too many people confuse Swaziland with Switzerland and Australia with Austria. Must rectify this at once. Int. Cartographers Guild. 718-383-2921. ext. 78.

FOR RENT
Bottom of page, clas. ads.Yours for one dollar. Tom.